Help OCD is taking over my life : The past six months... - OCD-UK


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Help OCD is taking over my life

Tesstesss profile image

The past six months have been horrendous for me, I am in my final year at uni and I hav started with intrusive thoughts. The thoughts are about children. I have now stopped visiting my nephew, stopped wanting a child of my own. The thoughts have got so bad they are constantly in my mind, i try to think they are not me they are just a thought and then an awful image pops in my mind. I feel I'm losing my mind and scared of what is happening to me. I would never hurt anyone but these thoughts re children are making me avoid everything. I check the oven and gas hobs numerous times before I leave the house or go to bed and check the doors and windows, so the cat would not escape and die . this used to be the worst it got until the past few months. I did have similar intrusive thoughts a few years ago but they went but at the moment I feel lonely and that something bad is happening to me. What are other people's intrusive thoughts re children? I feel I need reassurance to move forward and disregard these nasty horrible thoughts.

31 Replies

Hi so sorry you are having these awful intrusive thoughts.

Just remeber people with ocd never act on our thoughts we are so obssesed with preventing these outcomes we would never act on them.

I have suffered about 15 months now with these first when I was nearly at the end of my pregnancy. I still hate writing it out now as I cringe that I even have these. I was so scared and worried that I would harm my beautiful baby with a knife, pictures were brutal words popping in head were brutal and still are. Lately it's turned to any one who Iam alone with.

All I can recommend is go see your family be round kids so you learn you can have the thoughts but does not make u that person and they certainly cant make you act up on them.

Sending lots of love I know how hard this is stay strong and people on here always willing to help xx

Tesstesss profile image
Tesstesss in reply to --Amy--

Thank you so much for your reply. I thought I was becoming ill and felt so lonely and that no one would understand and think I was weird. Since reading up on OCD it has helped me, it is just so hard when it sucks you in and won't go away at all. I avoid everything at the point of turning over a channel if an advert comes on with a child or baby as it triggers it. I have awful thoughts and then words also it's just so scary and can make you feel so alone.

It is an illness but everyone on here suffers with ocd lots that suffer with harm ocd or cleaning and germ ocd etc you will get lots of support on here and Iam here for you anytime.I done all this avoiding to. I chucked all the knives in the garden then the scissors rtf to do everything I could to avoid these awful events happening. Please take my advice and don't turn channel over and don't avoid kids as this will make your ocd stronger and stronger as it thinks it's winning.For example do something what triggers thoughts then when the thought pops in, just say oh there's that silly thought and carry on it is really hard. you can sometime be dis heartened but stick to it. Dont argue with your mind I got really ill by doing this try to just let them be there but carry on. It's like waves OCD if u sit at the rocks the waves will crash at you again and again but if you swim in to them you just bop along with them. Also please read happiness trap by Dr Russ Harris it's an amazing book and helped me so much x

Tesstesss profile image
Tesstesss in reply to --Amy--

Thank you, that really does make sense re the waves.

Mine started when I was about 12 I was laid in bed and I had intrusive thoughts saying if I did not go turn on the taps something bad was going to happen to my mum. Then it went and came back and went and then come back since I'd say the past two years and it's got worse.

I got in a rut arguing with the thoughts, constantly battling and saying to myself that's not me ignore them it's just an intrusive thought. But they just got worse and I find I'm battling then at least every other hour a day and it's exhausting.

I would never ever hurt anyone but since these thoughts I have stopped trying for a baby and avoid anything related as it's a massive trigger for awful horrible thoughts.

Talking about it on here really helps, I have no one to talk to about it other than my therapist, but even then I find it difficult.

I get anxious thinking people will judge me and think that I'm a bad person.

It is really the most horrible way to feel

How old are you Tess? Xx it has stopped me trying for another baby but I think u should try if a baby is what you truly want as ocd only goes for things what mean so much to you dinner it win.

My babie is nearly one i know Iam an amazing mam but just ocd tries to frighten me but I just face them fears for sake of my baby xx

Tesstesss profile image
Tesstesss in reply to --Amy--

I am 27 how old are you?

I feel my husband does not understand sometimes aswell but talking on here is helping me. He is very supportive but I feel embarrassed and a little bit of a failure that I have these intrusive thoughts and he thinks I'm weird but again I think that's my anxiety as he had never said that. I am seeing a counsellor who is specialised in cbt and emdr light exposure therapy for trauma which I am starting next week to see if that helps, I have had a lot of trauma through my upbringing and the emdr is to address that however the OCD I feel is totally different. Do you know why it happens to people ? Are you an anxious person?

I have got a lot more anxious than I used to be I'm wary going to cities now, I think something bad will happen and also going on long journeys

Bird-67 profile image
Bird-67 in reply to Tesstesss

So sorry to hear you are having these awful thoughts but you have come to the right place for support as most of us on here can relate to you.

I have suffered with these thoughts for many years off and on but have had 2 children and babysat 3 grandchildren on numerous occasions and have never hurt any of them.

Amy is spot on with her advice as she can relate to you completely ( she is a lovely young lady)

I never had the support and this forum in my younger years and suffered in silence as thought I would be locked up if I told anyone.

Good luck and please keep in touch xx

--Amy-- profile image
--Amy-- in reply to Tesstesss

I have just turned 25. Aww it's good you can talk to him. Talking on here has helped me so much everyone is so supportive and fighting there own ocd battles.

Oh I hope that goes well, I had Emdr eye movement therapy it did have some affects. Stick at with your therapy.

Iam not sure why it happens, my view on it is that we are passionate very caring very very sensitive people. My partner has lots of intrusive thoughts but finds them funny ! He thinks things like tripping some random person over and laughs it off but if I had this same thought I would be upset with myself and would problies move away from the person I take things to much to heart.

Ive been seeing a new therapist and she thinks my ocd is partly because of and abusive relationship I was in. I had had an abortion I was so devastated as I didn't want to but everyone else said this was best thing to do and for 5 years the person I was with called me a baby killer, murderer , said I could never carry a child because I had a body of a little girl (because I had an eating disorder because he made me slfeel so worthless. I didn't realise this at time) and my therapist thinks I still feel guilt and shame about having an abortion.

But I do also have extreme worries about terrorists I panic so much especially going on a plane.

I worry someone will throw acid in my face.

And I used to have this panic about wetting myself in public :/ I have never lost control of my bladder but I honestly beleived this would happen if I went places, So it's fair to say I do have a worrying personality.

Are you on any medication or do you manage without. Xx sorry if I've babbled on just want to give you some examples as you are not weird in any way shape or form were just very overley sensitive people with a big heart. If we were bad people we wouldn't be asking for advice on hear spending our free time seeing therapists, we would be laughing and enjoying thoughts and acting on them and going about day to day business like it's normal.but we don't because these thoughts are so abnormal to us and soo far from our true values xx

Tesstesss profile image
Tesstesss in reply to --Amy--

Thank you for your reply,

I do think it is connecting in some way , I grew up with a lot of chaos as my mum was a substance misuser. I was in a relationship as I got older where a lot of trust was broken and my mum has relapsed numerous times throughout my childhood. My therapist thinks I have attachment issues due to the trauma and chaos. I'm not sure how the OCD links but I am too a very caring person and like you a thought really hurts me and makes me feel sick even though it's something stupid to someone else and they can disregard it my mind torments me with it

I am the same with anxiety over terrorists, i avoid city like London and stopped going to countries I think would be a risk like Greece or turkey. Even so I went to Mexico in September and I still had an episode there as men were waking up and down the beach selling cigars and I got paranoid and really anxious.

I also think something is going to happen to me re illness, like a pain or any small thing I constantly think the worse

The checking of the locks and windows numerous times before bed and the gas hob is not as bad anymore but my husband really could not understand why I did it and would get annoyed but he kind of understands now that I can't sleep until I've done it but it's only once I do it now and not numerous times.

It sounds so silly to some people dosnt it but it's so hard when your sucked into it and feel you have to do it

--Amy-- profile image
--Amy-- in reply to Tesstesss

Ahhh it problies does have alot to do with attachment like therapist says, also an overwhelming feeling of responsibility for everyone and everything. Eee we have alot of similarities! I avoid metro centre lot as I just have these horrible thoughts of terrorists, my friends laugh at me and I just laugh along even though deep down it frightens the hell out of me.

Yeah once your sucked in it's hard to step back and look at the bigger picture.

I try and ask myself how many of my worries have came true ? None absolutely none no matter how much I've thought them. Just proves that our minds can lie to us and cant predict things xxxx

It's a lonely illness, this OCD, and we hide it the best we can. Listen to what Amy says, that you would never harm a child, in fact experts in OCD therapy often say that they would trust people with OCD with children because they wouldn't harm them!

Try not to debate with the intrusive thoughts, because the intrusive thoughts are not rational and not capable of rational debate. Trying to ignore them is difficult, I know, but it's the only thing that makes them go away. They like attention, and when they don't get it they stomp off in a strop!

I'm sure that nobody is going to think you're a bad person. On the whole, people are sympathetic and supportive and know that you wouldn't harm anyone. I know just how it is to carry out silly rituals and not to feel comfortable until you have. It's not really understood why OCD occurs, and whether childhood trauma has any bearing on it. But it's horrible!

Bird-67 profile image
Bird-67 in reply to Sallyskins

You are spot on about the childhood trauma.

Mine started when I was 7 and a friend who had lost her mum said to me I hope YOUR mother dies.

I then started doing rituals to keep mum safe, then it progressed to fearing I might harm her myself then when I had children i was frightened I would harm them.

And yes it is horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Bird-67

I too can trace back my OCD to childhood, but I didn't know what it was! My father was a good man when he was sober, but a violent bully when drunk and though the physical bruises fade the emotional ones are still there. In addition I was badly bullied at school. It's a pity that you couldn't have had help earlier, but so few people had even heard of OCD then. I thought my daft behaviour was unique and it was such a relief to learn that I was 'normally' abnormal!

Oh I do feel for you as I have lost 2 brothers through alcoholism but they weren’t violent.

And yes I too thought I was the only person in the world to have these thoughts.

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Bird-67

That's really rotten. Alcoholism is such a lousy thing. And it's so difficult to help someone like that. My mother also became an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver. I keep off it, myself, as I know I can't handle it.

Bird-67 profile image
Bird-67 in reply to Sallyskins

Oh I’m sorry to hear you lost your mum too, it is such a cruel disease.

I am tea total too.

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Bird-67

And it makes you feel so responsible for them. I did my best to help her, and I know it wasn't my fault, but I still can't help blaming myself.

Same I felt so alone and it wasn't until I googled it I found OCD and intrusive thoughts and read about it, I thought I was losing my mind. I still feel that way sometimes recently I've had them pretty bad constant in my head and it's so draining. Thoughts and words just appear on my mind and it makes me feel sick, then when I'm busy I forget about them but then something silly will trigger it all over again

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Tesstesss

Keeping busy does help, but it has to be the right kind of busy! I have had jobs that were very repetitive and that just made the OCD worse. Enough to do with plenty of variety helps. Creative things help too.

Hi iam 50 years old as i type i have had the ocd intrusive thoughts since i was 18 so all in all i have done battle with this horrendous thoughts for 32 years i have never acted on them nor will you it got so bad last year i sort help from the drs and i was given a councillor and had cbt which helped me greatly aso was put on a drug think it was 60mg fluxidine which changed my mood on the morrnings i can not say i will ever beat this ocd but rest assured i will keep up the fight you will never act on your thoughts i no its hard but belive me u will get there x

Tesstesss profile image
Tesstesss in reply to paddywob

Thank you for your inspiration:) since talking on here I feel a lot better it's like the thoughts have no power over me

paddywob profile image
paddywob in reply to Tesstesss

No worries wishing you well


(I saw you got a lot of replies earlier so I don't know if this will help, but just in case :))

First of all, having intrusive thoughts DOES NOT MEAN that you are going to act on them. Many people have intrusive thoughts, however the difference with OCD is that they feel more 'real' and worrying

Being in your last year at uni, I'm sure you're under a lot of stress - this often makes OCD a lot worse, as the anxiety levels are generally much higher. If you're not currently seeing a professional, it might be a good idea to do so, even if it's only for now or during exams. It really does make a big difference, and having someone to talk to about your intrusive thoughts without judgment might be relieving. I don't know if your university offers mental health support, but it might be worth seeing if you can get an appointment. If there's a long waiting list, there are many self-help books that, although they're not the same as a therapist, can help ease some of your worries for the time being.

I know this is quite a general answer, but I hope it helped! :)

Tesstesss profile image
Tesstesss in reply to meow26

Thank you for your reply,

I am seeing a lady who specialises on cbt and counselling so hopefully it will make it better, I have only had two sessions so far

It has got worse since being in final year at uni with looming deadlines.

Can you suggest any self help books?

Thanks x

paddywob profile image
paddywob in reply to Tesstesss

A day in life of my head think author is arron Bennett

meow26 profile image
meow26 in reply to Tesstesss


I'm glad you're seeing someone! I hope it will help.

From self-help books I've seen, 'Break Free From OCD' seems quite good. I've seen copies in libraries, so you might be able to get it from your local branch.

Hi Tess just wanted to see how you've been doing lately xxx

Hello :) I'm good thank you

The intrusive thoughts have settled and gone for the time being but I'm not naive in thinking they won't come back but I feel this forum is really helping how are you? X

--Amy-- profile image
--Amy-- in reply to Tesstesss

Awww that's brill !! Yeah just take each day as it comes xx Iam ok thankyou xxx

Hi I know your post is a bit old but I have been going through this same exact problem to the point where I can't go to my sisters house she has 3 amazing little girls and I adore them but I had this awful thought about one and it keeps haunting me I would never ever hurt them!! The thing is I don't know how to get rid of the awful thought and the guilt of having had it I cry almost everyday I have taken medication but apparently its not helping I just started therapy because this is literally ruining my life. Please I want to know how you are doing and it it has gotten any better what are you doing to help this horrible situation. I need help I feel like no one fully understands how horrible this type of thoughts are even tho everyone tells me its just thoughts and I am not that person, I just keep asking myself why did I have them in the first place.

I know this post is years old but, I just wanted to say, I’ve struggled with OCD/intrusive thoughts for years. Very complicated home life as a child (witnessed DV) one of the ways I’ve been coping with the thoughts is to imagine them as a gang of teenagers being lairy and going ‘booooo’ in my face to try and freak me out, and every time I’m aware of it I imagine this gang and picture myself going to them ‘yeah, and what’ and then they go away (not forever but it breaks the loop). I’ve also had EMDR therapy which helped but I only did it twice and I should have done it more really. One of the parts of EMDR is having a ‘safe place’ that you can visualise, and I find that really helps too, again it’s breaking the cycle of thoughts.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with it if I’m honest, stress has ramped up for me which has made it worse and I’ve been referred to a couple of services so hopefully I can build on these techniques. It’s so knackering isn’t it, I say it’s like having a full time job on top of actually having a job, family, school etc.

Big hugs to anyone who is struggling x

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