This is my first post here. The last two months but especially the last two weeks have been the worst time of my life.
I currently have a weird type of ocd thinking or pure o/ intrusive thoughts. My thoughts are in the form of words not images. It is weird as sometimes it’s intrusive and they just pop up but then other times I get triggered and feel a compulsion to think things. These thoughts feel like my inner voice and I know it’s me producing them as sometimes I suppress it.
It started with repetitive words stuck in my mind where I felt a compulsion to keep repeating it. This evolved into me having a fear of thinking bad things about people and now sometimes when I’m walking past someone or watching tv I’ll think something awful about the person usually like expletives or something based on their flaws. I pride myself on being non judgemental and a good person so it’s odd.
The strangest which upsets me the most is I’ll have an inner thought usually something positive and then it’s like I have a compulsion or will automatically comment on my thought. For example ‘it’s going to be a good day today’ ...’no it’s not’ or ‘she’s pretty’...’not like you’. Often the response is something critical against me or about me. It’s hard to explain but it’s like I’ve developed ocd around my own thoughts. Like there is two sides to my subconscious that’s popping up. This evolved from something else it wasn’t just sudden.
My ultimate fear is that I’m going mad and schizophrenic and my therapist has said many times it’s pure o and anxiety. But sometimes it feels so strange like my inner voice (everyone has one) has turned nasty and turned on me!
I’ve been prescribed sertraline but so scared to start them.
Can anyone relate to this?
It’s awful
Written by
Mummy12
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All OCD is weird! Believe me when I say you're not alone in having these strange thoughts.
Take the sertraline, for a start. It can help enormously. It takes about four weeks to kick in but it can make all the difference. I've been taking it for some years. There's always the option to stop if it doesn't suit you, but it could make you feel better.
It isn't schizophrenia and you're not going mad. Listen to your therapist, who should be offering you cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT.
It can feel like thoughts or words going around your head in a loop, but this is typical of OCD. Intrusive thoughts pop up unbidden and it can feel as though your head has been taken over. Post here whenever you like and let us know how you get on.
What you’re experiencing is normal! There is no “weird” type of OCD. Like Sally said, all OCD is weird. Our intrusive thoughts are random and without meaning. Each one of us suffers from intrusive thoughts that cause us to feel guilt, shame, or panic. However, if you read around you’ll find that there’s a lot of people on here who struggle in the same ways that you do and with the same themes.
Before I was diagnosed, I was convinced I was schizophrenic. It’s still an obsession for me today, but I don’t fear it like I once did. Sometimes I get random words or phrases that pop into my head and I try to find meaning where there isn’t any. Other times a word will linger for too long after I’ve thought it or said it. OCD comes in many forms, or maybe I should say that OCD is OCD but the obsessions vary from person to person.
I totally get the inner voice thing. That was what I found most terrifying about OCD in the beginning - it sounded just like me. But now I’ve learned to not attach fear to that voice. I know it’s OCD and I just let it be. My OCD can also be super critical of others and myself. Some of the thoughts you’ve mentioned have been the same ones I’ve dealt with. Here’s the thing - OCD wants you to believe that you’re the opposite of who you actually are. It is ego-dystonic and does not reflect your actual feelings. Also, it will go after the things and people you value the most. When it smells fear it clings to that obsession and does it’s best to make sure that you’re doubting yourself. Don’t listen to it. It’s a bully and a liar.
Lastly, please do try the Sertraline! It won’t work over night but I have been on for it nearly 8 years now and it has made a massive improvement in my life. I have never experienced any negative side effects and I’m not sure I could be fighting this without it.
Sorry if I’m rambling now but I just want you to know that you’re not alone in this and you are so so so so brave!!! The days and weeks and months will get better if you put in the work and do your ERP. Don’t live for OCD, live for yourself! You can do this, you are so strong. 💖
Oh wow Thankyou so much. What you’ve said was much needed this morning. It’s reassuring to hear from someone who understands.
I’m on day 2 of sertraline and hanging in there it’s not easy at all.
Yesterday I was pretty ready to check into a psych hospital. The whole inner voice commenting on my thoughts is what’s scaring me the most. Deep down I know this inner voice is me as sometimes I can suppress it, I just get bothered by why it’s so critical and opposite to what I actually think.
Also I’m obsessing about it happening every time I think or move and maybe thats why it keeps happening.
It’s crazy. Never thought this would happen to me.
Do you have any advise on how I can do ERP for this as it’s more thoughts based than physical compulsion.
Glad I could help! I’m not a licensed therapist but I’ve been doing ERP for about 3 months and I’d be glad to share what my therapist has me do for intrusive thoughts. In therapy I write down all my intrusive thoughts in the form of what if’s. For example “what if I’m schizophrenic?” At first I could hardly write them down. Then after compiling a list of about 10 of my most intrusive thoughts I had to read each one in my head 10 times. Then it progressed to saying them aloud 10 times each. We also recorded these for me to listen to. The whole point in doing so is to retrain your brain that these thoughts are not scary. After a while you’ll find yourself getting bored with the thoughts and your brain no longer sends off an emergency signal when one pops into your head. I would recommend starting with writing them down, and if you can’t repeat them continuously then read them in your head first. It will be hard at first but I swear it works! I would also recommend going to see a licensed therapist who specializes in OCD if you haven’t already. They know much more than I do and I’m sure can offer you many more exposures that would be beneficial. Keep going! I wanted to check myself into a hospital as well at first but that would let OCD win. The biggest exposure itself is living life! 💖
Oh wow Thankyou so much. What you’ve said was much needed this morning. It’s reassuring to hear from someone who understands.
I’m on day 2 of sertraline and hanging in there it’s not easy at all.
Yesterday I was pretty ready to check into a psych hospital. The whole inner voice commenting on my thoughts is what’s scaring me the most. Deep down I know this inner voice is me as sometimes I can suppress it, I just get bothered by why it’s so critical and opposite to what I actually think.
Also I’m obsessing about it happening every time I think or move and maybe thats why it keeps happening.
It’s crazy. Never thought this would happen to me.
Do you have any advise on how I can do ERP for this as it’s more thoughts based than physical compulsion.
Thanks again
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