Explaining SO-OCD in my relationship: Hi. This is my... - OCD-UK

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Explaining SO-OCD in my relationship

Gospel_8 profile image
Gospel_8

Hi. This is my first time here..I really need someone’s sincere and helpful advice about a situation I have dealt with regarding Sexual Oriented OCD (SO-OCD) I deal with and how that has been a predominant conflict that has effected my current relationship.

Here is my question: if I suffer from unwanted and sexual intrusive thoughts of any kind which tends triggered me with anxiety and guilt..I go through these exhaustive conversations as I try to explain these issues to my girlfriend. We undergo major conflict which has led to two reasons: first, because I have a challenging time explaining how to be clear about my thoughts (i.e. intrusive thoughts..yes.. in addition to experiencing thought-action fusion components as well which basically means having these thoughts might actually feel the same as carrying out the action of those thoughts ) and second, my girlfriend places a heavy emphasis on requiring she feels I am “loyal” by NOT cheating and if I am pure to her in every facet of our relationship (i.e. both in thought and action)..

Furthermore, how do I explain to her dealing with SO-OCD is NOT my intention nor ever will be to cheat on her; leaving her feeling suspicious about me and insecure, so that I can relay clear advice to her in such a way that will lead to healthier communication between us and clarity so that she understands better about what I mean?

Thank you very much in advance for your help!

8 Replies
Hidden profile image
Hidden

My devotion is respect, I have called her princess for 27 years every single day. I felt my x 's commitment dissapeared . To me the just intrusive idea of " thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife in flesh and thought ". Is unacceptable for the people with OCD almost impossible for others to not have a thought cross their mind. I think that the best thing we can do is gather our morals and try not to step into the flesh. I am in love with wife, she loves me, she is 10 years my younger. My needs are lifelong , my wants. Shortlived !

Hidden profile image
Hidden

Hi, speaking as a partner of someone with OCD/SO-OCD it took me years to come to the realisation that my partners wants and thoughts weren’t about me. They aren’t there because he wants to think of other people or be with other people, his intrusive thoughts are just that and not a reflection of our relationship. It took him about 4 years before he actually spoke to me about any of this as he was just as confused to begin with and he didn’t want to worry me or make me feel bad. Now another 4 years later i have looked into OCD and the intrusive thoughts and every other aspect i possibly can so i can help and support him as much as i am able to without suffering myself which isn’t understanding fully but i deal with it better. He talks to me and opens up about the intrusive thoughts and i let them go over my head now. The best thing you can do in my opinion as the partner is explain it to the best to your ability, ask her to do some research so she can understand that your not going to be unfaithful and thats not what this is about. It will take some time but going to speak to a therapist together may also helps as it will allow her to understand in more depth. Also I’m quite an insecure person in myself but not my relationship and until I understood that the more he thinks the intrusive thought would hurt me the more it sticks. Hope some of this was helpful best of luck.

Gospel_8 profile image
Gospel_8 in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your reply. You brought up a good point. Can you expand on when you said “They aren’t there because he wants to think of other people or be with other people, his intrusive thoughts are just that and not a reflection of our relationship.”?

Hidden profile image
Hidden in reply to Gospel_8

Hi, it took me some time to realise that none of it was about me. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me or didn’t find me attractive or was bored of our relationship or grew unhappy in it. Thoughts are just thoughts and everyone thinks of other people occasionally but obviously if you don’t suffer from an obsessive metal illness that thought floats in and out the more its unwanted the more the OCD latches on, it did take a while before I stopped questioning if there was more to it and if it was me he was unhappy with or if I simply wasn’t attracted enough for him after being together for a long time. But I really found looking into it myself even just through google and youtube and forums helpful as rather than questioning what i’m doing wrong i can help support him through it knowing it’s not because he wants to be with anyone else or cheat on me or any of these thoughts I might have once had, its just intrusive thoughts and his thoughts aren’t him and dont make him unfaithful or a bad person or anything else he feels when the guilt takes over. Hope everything works out for yous but it really is a team effort yous have to work together or it will drive yous apart. Best wishes!

Thank you for everyone that has shared their advice. Are there others that additional thoughts?

Nobody can be completely 'pure' in every facet of a relationship! The thing that counts is that you don't act on any passing thought or attraction.

But in your case it's a matter of unwanted thoughts. It's difficult to explain something like this to someone who has never had OCD, but it could help to give her a book about OCD so she can have it 'officially' and not just your version of it. Not that there's anything wrong with your version; it's just that having it confirmed by others might be useful!

Don't feel guilty about these unwanted thoughts. They pop into your mind without your say so, and you would never act on them. If she can learn about OCD so she can be assured that you would never act on them, perhaps she could be a bit more understanding.

Naturally fidelity and trust are important to most of us in a relationship, but your girlfriend ought to understand a bit more about OCD and have a little consideration for you. If she can read for herself that people with OCD don't act on their thoughts she might be reassured.

Gospel_8 profile image
Gospel_8 in reply to Sallyskins

Thank you so much for that helpful advice. Really. I have had a hard struggle but I feel I don’t deserve the turmoil from having to deal with it in a relationship; hoping and praying I may find someone who is emotionally/mentally supportive, empathetic, kind, and peaceable as my best friend and romantic partner.

She struggles with the feelings of mistrust or her perception of me being disloyal due to her traumatic induced experience within a relationship from the past...yet, the contrary is that has created this war of emotions and arguments between us is a that she may thoroughly understand; we are not “soulfully synced” in that regard. Oh how that is vital for me! I hope that makes sense.

We have been together between 7-9 months, at times off and on.. we even have considered marriage in a few months..but unfortunately dealing with the way we have handled our communication and conflicts it feels quite bleak, exhaustive, and often I talk about separating from her due to our issues colliding so much...this might be a foreshadow of Relationship OCD (R-OCD) in respect to my spiritual nature and perspective, I want to make a sound choice finding my lifelong partner to please God and so that I feel bliss and happiness in myself knowing I have made a wise, healthy and sound choice. On the contrary, even after dealing with the turmoil, I have developed so much feelings and care about her..I just keep returning back? Why is this such

Of course the generalities of a relationship is that both partners will face conflicts, disagreements, etc. I just think ours has not been in our best interest when I certainly feel drained and emotionally spent.

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Gospel_8

It's just about impossible for someone to know if they're suited to a new partner, and it's a matter of sticking it out until you decide one way or another. And there is never a 'perfect match'. There are always going to be a few friction points.

It may be that you're just not suited, or it may be that you need to find a way to communicate with one another and trust one another.

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