New to this site but hopeful

[Pominoz]

I have had this OCD all my life, I am now 49, and for a long time I thought it was just about cleaning or locking doors. I never realised it was about intrusive thoughts and disturbing compulsions. I have never discussed it with a doctor as I felt too ashamed, embarrassed and scared. as a child I would have a 'bad' thought and then would have a compulsion which I always acted on. One example was sticking a metal knife into the bars of an electric fire, I have placed a plastic bag over my head sort of like testing myself to commit suicide, I have stuck pins into photos of people I love, I cannot wipe a work surface without covering the entire area, I CANNOT miss any parts of it. the list can go on and on. I thought I was just such a bad person, what nice person does bad things right ??

My upbringing didn't help I am sure, my father was sexually abusive, my brother had epilepsy and I had to care for him a lot and my mother was addicted to tranquillisers and agoraphobic. Life didn't feel safe and secure, perhaps there is the key ? If your outside world is scary and uncontrolled then it makes sense to be so scared at the prospect of all the bad thoughts coming true. It's a disease of uncertainty so In a perverse kind of way we do the bad thing as we feel no control in our life.