New to this site but hopeful

I have had this OCD all my life, I am now 49, and for a long time I thought it was just about cleaning or locking doors. I never realised it was about intrusive thoughts and disturbing compulsions. I have never discussed it with a doctor as I felt too ashamed, embarrassed and scared. as a child I would have a 'bad' thought and then would have a compulsion which I always acted on. One example was sticking a metal knife into the bars of an electric fire, I have placed a plastic bag over my head sort of like testing myself to commit suicide, I have stuck pins into photos of people I love, I cannot wipe a work surface without covering the entire area, I CANNOT miss any parts of it. the list can go on and on. I thought I was just such a bad person, what nice person does bad things right ??

My upbringing didn't help I am sure, my father was sexually abusive, my brother had epilepsy and I had to care for him a lot and my mother was addicted to tranquillisers and agoraphobic. Life didn't feel safe and secure, perhaps there is the key ? If your outside world is scary and uncontrolled then it makes sense to be so scared at the prospect of all the bad thoughts coming true. It's a disease of uncertainty so In a perverse kind of way we do the bad thing as we feel no control in our life.

5 Replies

  • I have ocd too and it can be a bitch. I suffer from it every single day of my life and even in my dreams. It's scary and I hate it.

  • My heart goes out to you. My son has OCD and as his main carer I have learnt a lot. He has suffered (yes that is the word) since age 10, now he is 25. This horrible illness kind of 'morphs' into something else. As you conquer, say hand washing, contamination, then it changes to light switches, you cure that it changes again into believing a member of the family will die if you don't perform a certain ritual. At the moment his hands are red raw from frequent hand washing.

    This illness cannot be cured but can be controlled, with drugs and CBT. Please see your Doctor, its not uncommon as 2% of the population have this illness.

    As you say your upbringing wouldn't have helped you as this is an anxiety state, and you certainly had plenty of anxiety. I wish you the very best. OCD Action are a group that really help, you may like to contact them.

    God Bless, Val

  • Thank you val I will look into the group you mention. I do hope the stigma around this horrible illness can be broken and more people feel,brave enough to speak up. I sincerely wish your son a brighter future. I know what you mean about it morphing into something else. No,sooner had I conquered one fear than another one popped up. I did see a poster once, years ago, about how a charity helping youngsters who cut themselves would give them an ice cube to,hold and let melt in her hand to replace the urge to cut. It really resonated with me. sometimes I,have been able to,just absorb the feeling rather like riding through a contraction, just going with it, feeling it and then letting it pass, not easy I know as it's such an uncomfortable feeling.

    Pray all the time Val, you are not alone.

  • Thank you Pominoz. Life isn't a level playing field is it? My son has been unable to join the Army because of this and we were amazed as it ranks with Alcoholism, Drug Use and psychiatric illnesses such as schizophrenia. Its all my son ever wanted. Now he lives daily with that rejection as well.

    I wish you well in your battle. God Bless You for responding to me.

  • You know this is a bloody awful illness/problem I am sitting here on xmas day with a glass of whisky after a few beers, I am male 75 years of age and have had this problem for most of my adult life. I used to think that I was going insane until about twenty years ago then by chance I was watching a programme on Tyne Tees television where a doctor was explaining that OCD had other traits other than washing your hands etc. He then spoke about disturbing thoughts, you have no idea how much this meant to me that I was not a head case as I had previously thought. I then plucked up the courage to see my GP, who sent me to a clinic who diagnosed OCD. They prescribed Fluxotine and I felt such an improvement but that was just due to the fact that a further confirmation that I was OCD. However even now I still have the thoughts that now and then pray on my mind, I will not however seek further treatment as I am quite prepared to live with it.But it would be nice to pop a pill that made you feel normal.

You may also like...