OCD & Me!

Hi... I am a 30 year old mother of 3 daughters!

I have always suffered since was little with OCD it started with a fear of being sick...and it stemmed from there!

I had my first daughter 8 years ago... this was first time I had an intrusive thought! Whilst doing her nappy! :( for 13 months with no meds or cbt I was convinced I was a paedophile! It's quite laughable now... I can assure you bk then I most certainly was not! I couldn't be on my own with her... I would bath her with the door open.... I wouldn't read her a bedtime story in her room as I had heard somewhere that's where child abuse starts! All this stemmed from one silly article I read in the media of a female who did these awful things! :(

I fell preg with 2nd daughter and my OCD didn't return! Maybe I was too busy with 2 under 2 babies! But then I had my 3rd daughter few years later and it came bk again ! This time I got cbt phone call sessions.... at the time it was my saviour!! I finally realised these were just thoughts!! They troubled me so much I'd have never acted on them. .. those who do these things do not obsess and get upset over it they just do it!

Now fast forward 2.5 years and it has hit me again! This time I have what is harm OCD?!

I had my first ever panic attack 3 months ago I thought I was having a heart attack! Which made everything hundred times worse as thought I was dying ! And I have had an awful huge fear of death with health anxiety.... so when I had my first obsessional thought of suicide I was TERRIFIED! what was happening to me ... did I feel suicidal.... did I want to etc! Well of course not! I love my life.. my kids...my friends and hubby ♡ but I couldn't shake this thought! I got scared I would develop depression and would lead to suicide .... scared of being alone etc in case I did something... I was forever wondering why I thought this way.....really I should have just told myself its a thought! Thoughts can't hurt you..... you are not your thoughts and all of this stems from being so highly anxious! It's a symptom of an anxiety disorder ! Just like spots being a symptom of chicken pox! I can't say I am better yet as I still get the thoughts but they are not bothering me as much as they used to... I do sometimes feel 'how am I meant to think now my mind is clearer' again this is just an ocd trick that still trying to linger and bully me but with the help of some sertraline and a mindfulness cbt therapist I am getting there!

Just thought I'd share bit of my story! There is no shame in your thoughts ... that's all they are ! You are not your thoughts! :)

1 Reply

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  • Hi Emmlang123,

    That is absolutely not a good feeling. I sometimes get that feeling of harming people (punch, kick or slap) but I think over about what the consequences would be. I know that you might not like to do this and might think of your thoughts as just a thought but I think you should sit with your hubby and tell him your problems. He will help you. I really hope you get better.I don't know if this has helped or if I have replied too late.:)

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