My story💔

Hi my name is danielle griffin I would like to share my OCD story for other sufferers thanks

Ever ask yourself these questions?

•Do you know what it's like to be tortured by your own mind?

•Do you Feel like your brain has two many tabs open like a computer from constantly thinking leaving you mentally tired and wanting to close your eyes and never open them again?

•Feeling the world is against you?

•Do you feel everyone is contaminated even doe they are clean?

•Feel ashamed of your ocd that the phobias cause?

•Love sleeping because been awake it's like your life is falling apart?

'No, this is what you call OCD obsessive compulsive disorder it is a mental illness'

•The difference between you and me Is that when you wake up your nightmare ends.

MY OCD involves bad thoughts, constant hand washing, checking an second guessing everything I do, worrying over the stupidest things that other people wouldn't even think about. Having anxiety over talking to someone or doing something 'in case I say or do it wrong' constant in need of reassurance 'after doing things so many times to feel it's right' feeling everyone is contaminated to not want to touch them 'even family' to distancing yourself away from friends family to been on my own in my room as OCD sufferers feel a safe place is we're we are in control of everything that no one can mess or touch. Then to distance yourself to not socialise nor have a childhood an avoiding going outside. Been on your own so no one can see how bad we are suffering as we try to hide it. As a child i had it quite young the doctor said I could grow out of my obsessive hand washing. As time went by I got worse an worse I hide all my phobias so no one would notice I watched tele after school all day everyday so my family wouldn't think anything of it. I was then suffering with very bad anxiety thinking something bad would happen if I didn't move or clean things 'like I could catch a disease' I then only went outside for school to return home to scrub the areas that were exposed to the air 'yes the air' I scrubbed my face, neck, hands an sprayed perfume in my hair every time I returned home. At one stage the skin on my face was peeling like sunburn I peeled bits off as it entered my hair/scalp. Pain to me was feeling clean I then started wearing a scarf to cover my neck so it was less scrubbing my hands would crack an bleed I'd carry E45 in my bag. I would not go on a bus it felt like I'd get a disease instantly. If I had to go on a bus tomorrow I would be that nervous an anxious I would wake up getting sick during the night I would sit on a scarf an not touch anything on the bus like the poles hold on to the stairs I wouldn't bring my phone as it would be contaminated I had a set of clothes for using the bus my 'bus clothes' even when it was warm I would wear my heavy coat as a shield to the dirtiness I would strip at the door an my man would put my clothes straight in the washing machine. I then wouldn't allow anyone even family into my room I would speak to them at the door of my room I wouldn't open my windows because I thought the air was dirty no shoes were ever wore into my room at one stage my sister placed a paper handle bag with new clothes In it that I had got outside my bedroom door it was an inch on my floor as the gap in the door I scrubbed the floor put soap all over it an ringed a towel of constant water to were my room flooded perfume was sprayed on everything as I thought it would be clean I locked my bedroom door anytime I'd leave my room an use elastic hair bands an circle it to the door beside it to hold it closed I washed the chair in my sitting room with baby wipes before I'd sit down to watch tele. If I walked down stairs an someone bumped or swiped by me nearly touching me I would immediately change clothe an wash the old ones I hid it well until I cracked an told my mam id rather be dead then to live the way I was I was depressed and emotional for such a young age my mam immediately contacted the doctor I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed with OCD. I then got help I attended St. James hospital in the child an adolescent mental health centre twice a week my dad an other sister didn't believe an thought 'I was putting it on an overreacting' in school a teacher noticed as she used my chair to stand on an said she would clean it she used her hand as in to wipe dust away just using her hand I then sprayed deodorant all over the chair an then the councillor was after me as I was already getting help I told them as they were worried. After 3 years in St. James now 'once a week'. I fighted so much delaying washing my hands fighting the urges to move an clean things. Ocd is like an addiction as the councillor said to my mam could you give up smoking easily well fighting ocd is just like that. I started to go out to my friends starting sitting in my mam's car constant but that was a start an a big improvement to my ocd. Then I got on with fighting it and having a normal childhood I felt free I still had my certain ways an wouldn't use a bus an scrub at night I attend St. James until I was 18 I was discharged I was happy I learned to live with my ocd I still had my bad days which felt like weeks to me my life felt worth living for once. At 20 I then had a relapse an thought I had a nervous breakdown I didn't wash myself, didn't leave my room, was depressed, cried a lot an kept it to myself I then went to my doctor with my mam I felt lifeless like when I had it bad the doctor referred me to beacon alight as talking to someone helped me I should have never stopped I went on my medication for the first time ever as it was offered to me when I was diagnosed at 12 my mam refused it. I am currently on sertraline the only medication for ocd is an anti-depressant I am on 150mg a day and 200mg is the highest amount a day for a Ocd sufferer and Xanax for the anxiety. The medication has helped me a lot an I would rather be on medication for the rest of my life to be happy looking at me no one would ever think I had Ocd or have been true all of this I'd like to share this story to help other ocd sufferers out there that there is help but you need to want it for yourself and be ready to fight ocd.

'When neat people claim to have OCD an I think to myself, they have no idea what they're talking about'


I hope this will help other people one day.

6 Replies

  • Danielle

    Great of you to share this, I am too a sufferer I am in my 30s and did not rise to it until a real bout of depression knocked me growing up I was very obsessive mainly towards health and well being and some other matters but when this bout of depression hit I was all but ready to end it all and as I have children I am glad I managed to see th doctor before I did any thing silly my form of OCD is pure o so I cannot really discuss it with many people , I have just completed a course of cbt but chose not to go on the medication may be found this more difficult.

    I know that it is here to stay forever but I am waging a war on it and deciding that not to answer back to the thoughts helps.

    Unfortunately others do not understand and they say unhelpful comments like pull yourself together or get a grip if only they knew lol.

    These sites need positive people like you not afraid to share and highlight that suffers are out there can relate and as with waging a war on OCD we need as many solders to help and you are a true champion.

    Sorry it's a long post but take care,


  • I was not expecting that reply it made me feel a lot better in myself thank you so much I am going to cut down on my medication when I feel I can an that's great for fighting the OCD fair play to you with having kids I can't imagine how much harder it was for you hope everything goes well for you and keep fighting💪🏻😊 x

  • Hi Danielle

    Reading this is heartbreaking for me as my 15 year old daughter has OCD and is just about to start CBT next month. Hearing you describe the way you feel has really made me understand what hell she is going through. Everything you describe from the changing clothes to not letting anyone past her bedroom door is the same as my daughter. As a parent I see the pain she is in but am powerless to help, I can't even touch her to give her a hug, she won't even cuddle her baby brother, he walked into her room by accident and she screamed at him and stripped the bed, vacumed and anti bac wiped everything. This xmas she has asked if she can stay in her room for dinner and presents as she can't be with us all as she is frightened of germs. Thank you for giving me some hope that she may be able to improve and have some quality of life eventually with help.

  • Hi lorna sorry for the late reply my mam was there for me all the way it's heartbreaking watching her upset over the littlest things an we feel everyone is out to get us the anger an sadness OCD makes us feel especially the worry To were you feel physically sick is the worst feeling ever the best thing for you to do is do as she asks as it will help her an let her no your not against her that you are on her side these are the things that make us happy in them situations when she starts improving then help her fight it as she is by herself now an the stress of OCD is too hard on her I really hope she gets the help she needs its a long road ahead take each step at a time I'm thankful you read my story I hope this helps you for your daughters sake please god she will be happy an better soon x

  • Hi Danielle, sorry I have only just noticed this msg. The OCD has escalated to the point that a psychiatrist has now had to get involved as well as the psycologist that she is having CBT with and she has just started taking medication today. Her baby brother fell down the stairs and landed at the bottom and although she was upset and concerned for him she couldn't pick him up or comfort him through the fear of contamination. It's interesting you say I should do what she wants me too so I can help her but the psychiatrist has told me not to as this makes the worries more real, what concerns me is when I do refuse the anxiety kicks in and she gets verbally and physically aggressive and it happens in front of her much younger siblings. We all feel like we are living in a nightmare atm but I pray that the meds and CBT start to work. My daughter is a good girl and would love to go to uni one day, she is due to go to college and do A-Levels in Sept, she has worked so hard and I pray this dreadful illness will not steal anymore of her life. Thanks for responding it has been a great help to me in dealing with it. x

  • I hope she comes on with her medication an has a life towards what she is going through its so sad that the illness isolates us from our family the only people we usually trust an that help us please god you see a difference in a couple of months she will be angry sad an aggressive and thinking everyone is against her where you just want her better .x

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