Hi i am a female who as you may know a month ago turned 19
I’ve been having troubles lately
And i havent been feeling good which i do deserve
I havent gone to the Dr since october because i am scared of what he will tell me
I am scared he will cancel my ocd diagnosis and tell me i actually am a pedophile
Because of stuff i have done like watching the video i mentioned in my last post, and also because i remember watching amateur porn videos Which makes me doubt that maybe they were teenagers and i don’t remember
I am scared about this
I am also scared about this: what if i actually searched for amateur teen videos?
What if i actually intentionally searched for these videos
I am not sure i cant remember and this makes me feel like a piece of garbage
What if i intentionally searched underage videos
I never searched for “underage videos” but what if i actually searched for teen videos
I don’t remember and i dont want to it makes me feel bad and sick
There was also this video where an old guy was with this younger girl and it said teenager in the description and i clicked on it
At first nothing happened and then i fast forward the video to see more and then i felt bad and i clicked out of the video so basically i didn’t see anything happening but that was my intention at first even though it said she was a teen
I didnt saw this videos in online porn pages i saw them in a social media platform, twitter which makes it worse because everybody can upload anything there
What if i actually saw underage people?
I am also scared because of this that i am going to tell you
I was in the cinema when i saw my aunt tickling my cousin. When i remembered i once was tickling that same cousin and she didn’t wanted me to and i still did even though she didn’t wanted to be touched
Maybe i did it to bother her or maybe it bothered me that she didn’t wanted me to tickle her so i did it anyway
And i don’t mean the kind of tickles that make you laugh but the ones that make you sleepy and relaxed
I didn’t touch her somewhere innapropiate i would never do NEVER
I cant remember when did this happened. I don’t know if i was 18 or younger i just cant remember and i don’t want to.
i feel bad and embarrassed and scared and ashamed and a monster and hopeless
Im scared that i did damage to my cousin i love her so freakin much
I didn’t do it with malice not to traumatize her or something like that and i don’t think i did it with a sexual intention or something like that
But now im scared i did
Not because she has shown signs or anything because we have a really good relationship we have been playing and laughing together
But what if i scar her for life?
I dont know what to do i would never harm her and it hurts me to think that i did maybe
I mean who in her right mind would do this stuff
Who would be doubting if they are or not pedophiles?
What if i actually intentionally searched for this teen videos? And i dont remeber
What if i did damage to my little cousin because i am a sicko
What am i gonna do? What? Who am i?
Am i this perverted person?
Am i a pedophile?
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Whatsreall
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Don't be afraid of going to the doctor. This is a common sort of OCD and it affects many people. Any psychiatrist or OCD therapist will recognize this and will not reclassify you as a paedophile.
It's difficult to verify the age of people in porn films. But I am told there is 'responsible' porn that only uses actors who are consenting adults. I do have problems with the porn industry as I think it gives an unrealistic and distorted picture of what sex is like. But that is apart from the point!
One of the things OCD makes you do is to doubt your own mind and your own memory. It makes you want to be certain you didn't harm anyone, or do something wrong, even if you are certain you didn't. It puts a tiny doubt in your mind: 'But just supposing?' and that tiny doubt then becomes a big doubt.
Try not to worry about your cousin. It sounds like normal behaviour to me, cousins who are good friends just messing about.
The fact that you are so concerned that you might be a paedophile is proof that you are not! I don't think real paedophiles worry about it!
Go back to your doctor and try to get medication to take off the worst of the OCD and cognitive behaviour therapy.
now
hear this,whatsreall,you are not a paedophile.you are going throu the stage in life
which we all
go throu. your mind is full of all diferant things because of your age,and sometimes
shocked at yourself,as time goes by you will learn ,that other people have same thoughts
as you.but afrade to admit it.so by you admitted these things now its in your faver.
having said all that,draw the line on what you see or hear.whatsreall to me you are
just a 19 year girl going that time in life.feel sorry for me whats,when I was 19yrs old
it was in the days of flower power,and afrade I was one of thoese people who covered
his car in flowers.to the dislike of many people.im afrade.
OCD has the power to distort memory and perception. It sifts through experiences and exploits normal lapses in memory, filling them with seeds of doubt, that, upon you’re becoming cognizant of them, then grow uncontrollably. You’re not a pedophile. You’re a normal teenage girl/young adult, utilizing the internet as a tool or means - as is extraordinarily normal for your generation and age group - in understanding your own budding sense of self, which includes sex and sexuality. It’s just another context in which OCD manipulates and distorts thought processes and memory. For example, when I was around your age (and even younger), I used to have intrusive thoughts about hurting my close friends and family. Everything I said or did was marred by this obsessive and cyclical thought pattern. Therefore convincing me of my (seemingly) undeniable evil. I was horrified by it all. Eventually I caved and vocalized these thoughts to my therapist - and mind you, I was utterly ready to resign myself to what surely was going to be an ugly fate, a life spent in some institution somewhere - instead, my therapist, unfazed, very calmly explained that my thoughts were very much unremarkable, and indeed a hallmark for many OCD sufferers. I was/am no more a homicidal maniac than you are a pedofile. This disorder/disease is a master at masquerading as something it is not. It’s remarkably convincing to sufferers, whose brains are primed to believe these false narratives. Primed in that our brains are simply wired differently, as well as exhausted by the relentless cycles.
I should mention that my fears didn’t evaporate immediately. Even with my therapist’s reassurance, I was still fearful. It didn’t explain the “why.” I couldn’t reconcile with the thought that I could produce such terrible “dark fantasies,” if you will, and still be the good person I knew I was, and am. Eventually, however, I relented and accepted the disease, and its peculiar manifestations.
You’re a good person. You display empathy and compassion - that is clear. Pedophilia is a complicated psychiatric disorder, marked by uncontrollable impulses and fantasies revolving around underaged children. You’re so far from that, that even the worst your OCD could conjure up was a *potential* indulgence of morbid curiosity. No more a problem than someone clicking a censored video on Live Leak. Which people of sound mind do all the time, like the proverbial splitting of fingers when covering one’s eyes. But remember - you DID NOT search for anything perverse. Your OCD would simply like you to believe you did. It’s an insideous thing. Trying to exploit little “plot holes” in our memories. We can’t remember every single action taken, our memories simply aren’t that nuanced... and OCD preys on that.
I hope this helps. If even for a moment. I’ve been where you are, and so I sincerely empathize. While pedophilia wasn’t my specific worry, it’s as bombastic as some of my own OCD fueled intrusive thoughts have been. See your therapist - they’ll help you down a more manageable path. The sooner you do, the sooner you can stem the flow of these consuming and distressing thoughts.
I’ve had this type of ocd. It first hit me when I was a teenager. I had intrusive thoughts about molesting my sisters. I was so afraid and my mom didn’t know what to do. I never harmed them and it went away with time. In December of 2017 it hit me again and it was really bad for several months. I’ve worked with kids all my life and I couldn’t even be in the room with them because of this. I truly believed I was a pedo and cried every day non stop. I also had thoughts about hurting my husband and dog. I ended up hospitalized and diagnosed with ocd. The pedo ocd ended up lessening but now I’m stuck with harm ocd towards my husband and pets. Please know that you’re not a pedophile. This is just ocd doing what it does best. Don’t be afraid of going to the doctor. Pm me if you ever need to talk. Cbt and Erp/ meds can help.
Thank you all for answering my post, i was actually really terrified of what you might think about me. It has been really tough. I hope all the best for you all.
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