this is hard but i am going to ask you who have liste... - NRAS

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this is hard but i am going to ask you who have listened and helped me in past

pauluk60 profile image
49 Replies

ok this hard to ask but someone may have an answer for me or just help right here goes daughter as blown it in need of desperate help works for nhs who have kept her on books dont know full situation so i will leave that problem DRINK bottles of wine lost driving licence been taken in by mental health team for area for a month wont take medicine or go to any help set ups luckily partner as stood by her says a lot of it came from time COVID started i cant say because did not see her due to COVID theirs been so many silly /dangerous happenings ranting and raving at neighbors tried smashing things throwing perfectly good tackle in bin etc etc she fell in in garden/porch blacked eye badly he took to a/e but would not go in this as led to partner being arrested put on bail and prevented from going home i told police who know her situation or must know been to house many times that he is her carer but made no difference she says and told police at time of arrest it was a fall and nothing to do with him still arrested him he now here with me worrying about her well i have phoned asked for help off numerous orgs /helplines but all same reply unless she says she wants help nothing can be done wow got it off my chest sorry if taking up room but as you maybe can see i am flummoxed at what to do most of you have helped me in past i know this a big subject but any info or different opinion would help and hopefully start daughter back to reality best shut up now

49 Replies
medway-lady profile image
medway-lady

I don't have any answers just wanted to say I hope she recovers and your ok too. x

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ

I can only suggest speaking to her GP, you haven’t mentioned you have. I know from personal experience I t’s very hard to help people who don’t want help or who won’t cooperate when help is sought. Not criticising but your post has no punctuation which makes it quite difficult to read and understand so I hope I have understood what you’ve said. 😊

sylvi profile image
sylvi

I hope she gets the treatment she so deperately needs. I am afraid she will have to stand on her own two feet. Lets hope she getsm some support. xxx

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to sylvi

i knew you would try to help i have told her that but she acts like cat cornered when you say things honestly dont know what as brought it on she had house partner car good job i think that COVID scared her badly but would not have done this to her surely shes not eating she was only 6st so what she is now god knows anyways thanks sylvi

sylvi profile image
sylvi in reply to pauluk60

Sometimes you have to let her get on with it she knows you are always there darling. xxxx

Boxerlady profile image
Boxerlady in reply to pauluk60

I think that Covid was really tough on those working in the NHS - more than the rest of us realise. I know a young doctor who was working on Covid wards and it's really heart breaking to hear what they all went through and how little support they had from management. Sadly I think that all you and her partner can do is to be as supportive as you can and let her know that you love her and wait for her to accept that she needs help and ask for it. So hard for you all 💐

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Boxerlady

thanks boxer

Deeb1764 profile image
Deeb1764 in reply to pauluk60

Based on close family with eating disorders & bi polar ,unless they WANT to get help anyone trying to help wont get far. One of my family eventually did group therapy and from this it was a eureka moment for her. She started training with some rugby girls got healthier and not looked back.When I asked her what helped the most she always always says the therapy BUT she would not have done it until she was ready and being forced would have been wrong. All you can do is maybe give her some leaflets or webpages to go too and then maybe she will feel she can reach out.

With my niece I used to say to her you are in the middle of a hurricane and we are reaching out every day and you grab my hand when ever you feel the need to be yanked out and I will have your back. The day came she asked and I yanked her out with all my family supporting me and her thro the hell. It was hard and she was in control of what we did each day with support from me family and crisis team and we got there.

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Deeb1764

ta deeb trying to take in everything people say you did well hope we can as do the same without a disaster

I have had more than my fair share of alcohol issues in my family and in every case you can’t make them change they have to want to change and when they do this is where support comes in . I think from what you have said , she is saying what you want to here but truly isn’t ready. It’s so hard to watch this destruction but if they want to drink there is nothing you can do . I’m sorry this is not what you want to here but unfortunately this is the reality of addiction.

Big hugs xx

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to

many thanks sorry about your probs what you said is where i am at with no light at end tunnel destruction is right word i think when she got taken to court over the drink driving as a lot to do with never been in trouble all she kept saying i am scared could go on all night about it

weathervane profile image
weathervane

Could it be post traumatic stress from working during covid as it must have been awful. Does her work or occupational health offer any counselling? I hope your daughter will accept help and come to terms with her problems xx

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to weathervane

thanks for reply her partner thinks thats most of the problem i am not sure about work for counselling but they have kept her on she will hit the roof if i get involved with work her partner had to bring her home twice shes got to do it herself but she talks in riddles then turns nasty especially to her partner lets hope someone can get the bottom of it her son and partner just had baby was hoping that may work but had another do so dont know thanks for reply

Madmusiclover profile image
Madmusiclover

My brother is an alcoholic. It has destroyed his health but he will not seek help. I was also foster mum to two teenagers whose mother was an alcoholic. There is nothing you can do or say to help. They have to want to do it themselves. This might be helpful: they offer help to relatives. al-anonuk.org.uk/

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Madmusiclover

hi madmusic i know i had probs myself late teens twenties but always knew when i was ott and dried out good job for it worked in pits so got you right in no time wil look at link thanks

Madmusiclover profile image
Madmusiclover in reply to pauluk60

I feel your pain. Take care.

Ravey profile image
Ravey in reply to pauluk60

Hello Pauluk60..bless you ..sending you strength..definitely phone Al anon..you both need support to help you deal with this painful situation....this organisation is specifically for friends and family members of alcohol misusers...its amazing and sad how many people are suffering and also having to suffer by watching the people they love and care about on a self destruction journey 😥.Stay strong make a phone call get some support..just talking to others in your situation who really know the score of what your going through will help lighten your load 😘never give up ..dig deep..my step daughter done 20 years drunk..5 years sober now .As others have said..it can only come from them to truly succeed x

Pippy25 profile image
Pippy25

You must feel like you are between a rock and a hard place and my heart goes out to you. All you can do is love and let her know you love her. Sadly we can't be responsible for what choices others may make in their lives or indeed like what situations they may find themselves in, but we can be responsible for the way in which we respond. I really hope that she will in time feel able to accept some support or feel able to take that first step as hard as it may be for her and for you all. Take care

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Pippy25

it can be a hard world if you get lost in it i have softened a bit but she WONT respond as of now just scared for her that she might i best not think like that thanks pippy

Sheila_G profile image
Sheila_G

I feel so sorry for you all. This is a terrible and difficult situation. You must try to speak to your daughter's GP but unfortunately, unless your daughter agrees to be seen by someone there is very little you can do about it. Does she have a best friend who she would listen too? Is there anyone she feels happy with who might be able to get through to her. I pray that she will listen and accept help for all your sakes.

HappykindaGal profile image
HappykindaGal

Oh my goodness. It sounds as if she’s in terrible pain and the fall-out of that is that the people that love her have to watch her and feel completely helpless.

I think all you can do is reassure her that you’re there for her as hopefully, she will slowly come back to you. You also need support and perhaps your GP can signpost you to people to support you.

I’m so sorry this is happening - it’s so very sad. Sending you lots of love ♥️♥️

I'm so sorry Paul, you must be in a constant state of worry for her .

I cant really add to others advice, really hope she sees she needs some help, fingers are crossed

Celticdancer profile image
Celticdancer

I'm sorry for your situation, it must be very difficult. There are many others in your situation, maybe there are support groups out there for relatives of alcoholics who know what it's like supporting relatives with this lifestyle choice. Like others have said, there is very little you can do and the only way she'll get better is if she does it herself. I read a statistic that majority of alcoholics who make a full recovery do so with no help from any services and do so through their own choice and hard work and determination.I've worked for over 20 years in health and social care looking after a wide range of conditions and in the care homes there are alot of older alcoholics 60+ who end up there after many decades of alcohol abuse. I've even looked after an elderly lady in her mid 90's who was an alcoholic. Some get Korsakoffs syndrome (alcohol induced dementia), some don't. At least your daughter has a better chance of survival than a drug addict as drug addicts usually pass away by their 40's. It's a sad reality.

You and her partner are doing everything you can to help her and she's incredibly lucky to have you both. I don't know whether warning her of the consequences of alcoholism might wake her up to the realities and help her change. The NHS and social care are at crisis point and from this winter things are going to get real tough for most people. I wish you all the best of luck.

stillsdisease profile image
stillsdisease

I know your situation and understand the terrible anguish of it. There’s no magic wand I’m afraid and she has to reach rock bottom before there’s even the slightest chance she will want to recover. Sometimes family intervention stalls the decline but eventually there will be a trigger that pushes her further into the problem or jolts her into wanting to recover. Wanting to and actually doing, it are two different things - but wanting to is a good start. From your post I think there are two addictions going on at the same time, alcohol and eating disorder? They need different treatment but both are addictions that require medical and mental help and the cooperation of your daughter.I feel for you all and hope she asks for help.

Annpisan profile image
Annpisan

I'm replying from Australia, but believe Alcoholics Anonymous is worldwide. Would you be able to seek out an Al-Anon contact in the UK? Al-Anon is a group for those who are family, partners or friends of alcoholics, primarily to help with coping with someone in their life who is drinking and in chaos. Topics are far reaching and include understanding the disease, coping mechanisms, setting boundaries, and being in a better position to support and help your loved one without compromising your own physical and emotional health. Might be worth a look. I wish well and gentle hugs.

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Annpisan

yes i have tried but it seems i cant get help unless she agrees and i seem to be getting further from that everyday i am ok in myself its her partner i am worried hes tried his damnedest to help her but she making his life hell thanks for thoughts Annapolis

Craighead profile image
Craighead

Hi phone alcoholic anonymous. They will contact your daughter. Her doctor can also prescribe medication. No one understands alcoholism apart from another alcoholic. They can help only if you're daughter wants to stop. Good luck 🤞

Blodynhaul profile image
Blodynhaul

How terrible! Agree with others above that the person themselves has to want to change in order for support to help, but that's easy to say. Really feel for you and truly hope something will change for the better very soon. Take care Paul.

Ernie52 profile image
Ernie52

Be kind to yourself, others here are saying same that unless she admits to herself she needs help, and is ready to accept and try CBT groups or one to one, nobody can force her these days, which is crazy to those who have loved ones in trouble.If she goes beyond acceptability in behaviours or actions she could be detained under the mental health sectioning laws. This would hopefully get her the help you think she needs.

Our children can end up breaking our hearts for so many reasons, and it's so hard not to look at where "we" as parents went wrong! We didn't!! Be kind to yourself you have done all you can for now it sounds like.

Hope things find a way forward very soon for you all.

happytulip profile image
happytulip

Eating disorders and alcohol misuse can cause electrolyte imbalances which can cause irratic behaviour. I would suggest that the first thing that needs assessing is whether there is a clinically organic reason for her behaviour instead of it being solely down to a mental health problem. When did she last have a blood test? Is she in any new meds that might be affecting her. "Unusual behaviour" means that an organic cause needs to be excluded.

I hope she gets some help. GP input seems vital here. The next of kin can raise a concern with the GP or police. You can ask the police to do a welfare check on her by calling 101 and they are trained to assess whether she has the capacity to remain safe on her own under the Mental Health Act. If they decide that she is at risk they can take her to a "place of safety," which is a clinical safe setting where she can be medically assessed.

I hope some of that helps.

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to happytulip

hi happy yes i agree with you i will and her partner will try any method i have done 101 and she cleared them out of house with a load of abuse then went berserk with me the guy was supposed to phone me back but never did from what i heard from partner doc not very helpful she as had blood test but not forth coming with results and wont take meds she as been under mental health team for area so at catch 22 son just took her some food that she asked for but would not open door!!

happytulip profile image
happytulip in reply to pauluk60

If she is under the MH team can they not make a home visit? Please don't take this as criticism but it's very difficult for me to read your posts without any punctuation. Reading and taking in the content is a challenge since developing AI disease.

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to happytulip

not upset your not the only one to mention it but its the best i can do i dont know for sure about all treatment shes had because she a COVID nurse and lives other side of Manchester but she as had a lot but not carried on and wont accept shes behaving strangely seems to be complaining a lot about abuse from patients she was on alcohol ward before it went COVID i would go and wet nurse her but i have been told it will make it worse

Happy5 profile image
Happy5

Hmmm not really sure what is going on here but this is my observation.Covid and work for the NHS has set up stress which she tried to manage with alcohol?

Sounds like she's very unwell mentally and alcohol just a way of her reducing symptoms.

You say she's been taken in by a mental health team for a month?

So they will try to diagnose, possibly offer medication, CBT or ora combo of therapies.

Has your daughter been admitted to a mental health unit?

If not it may help if she is, to give a her a safe place to get the best treatment.

Trying to help someone this mentally unwell in the community is difficult, especially when they are refusing help.

From your perspective try to keep yourself and her partner well, eating , sleeping , going for walks or similar.

Important your own health is maintained so you can keep a clear way, as what is best for your daughter.

All the best

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Happy5

yes she was on unit as far as know nobody was telling me what was fully happening i think being caught d&d by police put a cap on it she loved freedom of car and where lives is bit out of town from job she either refuses help stashes meds

Happy5 profile image
Happy5 in reply to pauluk60

Feel for you , unless and until your daughter hits the point of realising she needs help, meds therapy , impossible for her to improve.Least she's in the system as it were and hopefully will get the needed assistance.

All the best.

Celticdancer profile image
Celticdancer

People on here need to realise the NHS is not what it was and thinking that the NHS have the time and money to send mental health professionals out to every person who is suffering badly with mental health problems is impossible especially since covid when more people than ever before have mental health issues and you have migrants coming in by their tens of thousands putting yet more pressure on the NHS. It will collapse at some point. There just simply isn't the money and resources to go around for everyone. Funding has been consistently cut regularly and you have good medical staff leaving due to being overworked and underpaid. It's now at crisis point. Families will have to take the burden that the NHS can't. Even if a patient is lucky enough to get inpatient help, they might be sent to a hospital hundreds of miles away. This has been shown in documentaries. Councils in Scotland are now sending their homeless to England. It ain't going to get better especially from this winter. The money and resources are just not there. People will need to be more self sufficient.

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Celticdancer

hiya celtic i really dont know how to take your comments some i might agree with until this happened as family we only use nhs when needed but this mental health/breakdown is a different kettle of fish to me/wife and the rest of us we just cant leave these people on the sidelines or in the gutter maybe it was working for nhs at COVID lock downs that sprung it but its no use me harping on about that when i am lost at what to do or where to go the nhs/mental health teams have tried to help but like peeps say until she sees the light were on a loser i have tried coaxing her sometimes a glimmer of hope appears but soon diminishes tried the hard line get told to take my hook but with stronger words would wet nurse her but been told again to take my help and shove it so after this writing what do i want to talk to someone who knows the case as it is but you hit data protection rules all the time so after thinking and talking/writing where am i i would say back to square one or as the wife would put it your wasting your time but no somewhere theres an answer for us so celtic thats my lot as dad grandad great grandad we have ploded trough life pretty much uneventful until this usually fix all my problems without much help but this has me beaten at the moment but as we say round here KEEP YOUR PECKER UP you never know

Celticdancer profile image
Celticdancer in reply to pauluk60

My comment was not meant with any malice, it was just a general comment for people posting on this website as I get the impression many people don't realise how bad the NHS is. Severely ill people whether it's physically or mentally, do need medical help but the state of the NHS is as such that it's certainly not in a good way and I'm trying to drive this point home instead of living in fantasy land. The main point I'm making is that however much the NHS wants to help people, it cannot logistically do it as there isn't the staff, funding, resources etc. It's not looking at it from a negative view, it's being brutally realistic.

There is hope for your daughter, as most alcoholics who make a full recovery do so on their own without any intervention, without any help. The psychologist Jordan Peterson has spoken about this. Depending on what NHS trust you're under, you might be very lucky and she may get medical help but it seems to be a postcode lottery on NHS treatment and I've had terrible NHS treatment for my arthritis as well as relatives of mine for other health issues.

I'm being very real and honest so people don't get false hope about the NHS. Others will disagree with me as everyone is entitled to their opinions. I've always been a realist.

Hobbledehoy profile image
Hobbledehoy in reply to Celticdancer

Sadly, I agree. The money isn’t there. And the hard truth is that you can’t have a welfare state without taxes.

Happy5 profile image
Happy5 in reply to Celticdancer

Agree all dire in the NHS, however while most of us are self sufficient, seriously mentally ill people can't be.Pauluk60 is out of their depth knowing what can help, so hence the suggestions, with the knowledge it's a mare getting the help.

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Happy5

yep you said it happy thanks

CripLady profile image
CripLady

It may be PTSD. The alcohol may be used as a ‘coping’ mechanism; though never a good option for obvious reasons, as it then becomes the problem. All you can do is support her. You can’t get too high handed or ‘interfere’, as she will resent that. See if a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) can meet her for a chat. Maybe ask her partner to sort that out. It will take time. You will need to stand back, but still make sure she knows you are around. Maybe send some flowers or a card or something, “Thinking of you”. X

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to CripLady

flowers would be in in bin 2secs followed by card your right in what you say but to her theres nowt wrong "what do i want/need them for" followed by few expletives but will forward your idea to partner thanks

Hannah-NRAS profile image
Hannah-NRASAdministrator

Hi pauluk60,

First and foremost, as everyone has said, it is important for you to consider the mental health impacts occurring to you. It is nigh on impossible to support someone else, especially in a calm and friendly way when you are facing off with your own inner demons.

You will need to take some time to deal with these and I would suggest the same of her partner, it can be very hard to step away and set boundaries (I know this first hand) but sometimes for your own sanity you need to, even if it's just for a moment. Find something that can provide an "escape" (for want of a better word) where you can switch off somewhat from the worries.

Alcoholics Anonymous' helpline do offer support to family and friends but you can also check out Mind, the Mental health foundation and the NHS resources on mental health.

These organisations are also fantastic to signpost her to and actions such as offering to go with her can go a long way. Equally, sharing your own feelings and thoughts on it can help but can be difficult to do in a constructive way, engaging with a talking therapy yourself can help with this (again, I know this first hand).

If you feel she is not ready to do this, offer opportunities for her to step away from any negative emotions and thoughts she might be feeling by doing non-drinking activities together. For example, going for a walk or meeting for a coffee, planning an escape room with friends and/or family.

It is a really tough situation to be in but unfortunately all you can do at the moment is to look after yourself and her partner, and be ready to be there when she wants to reach out.

You are doing all the right things and it's ok for you to need some space from the issue to recharge.

- mentalhealth.org.uk/explore...

- alcoholchange.org.uk/alcoho...

- mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Best wishes,

Hannah - NRAS Information and Support coordinator

pauluk60 profile image
pauluk60 in reply to Hannah-NRAS

thanks Hannah first thanks for responding erm dont want to spoil room/message board talk about walking her and partner have walked all over Britain he is a serious hiker and he is over the moon with her they both did one of the hardest treks in uk the full west side of scotland in one go 9 days i think he work nhs on live/kidney dialyses at home and to be arrested and bailed was something else but hes here safe with us cant believe he as stood by her for so long without splitting at him all the time with dirty/silly tricks thrown in hiding car keys his work phone etc etc but he finally cracked up when she tried to throw herself out of car but as said been going on since 2020 sorry to go on but hes tried to sort it out alone as we were supposed to stay away with them working for nhs so i will shut up now thanks to all who replied must let it drop now and let the room get back to helping others

Hobbledehoy profile image
Hobbledehoy in reply to Hannah-NRAS

I have just remembered that the Church of England website has an arm for mental health.

Hobbledehoy profile image
Hobbledehoy

Och, dear love you, rant away, we’re here precisely to listen & let you get it off your chest. You have a terrible situation there… I think what they’re saying is true, that nobody really can help until she squares up & accepts it. Heartbreaking for you…. What Deeb1764 relates is good. You can’t do it for them. I suggest also that you try Somehow to keep a bit of yourself in reserve, so that You don’t go under, for your own sake & so that you have some strength left to help if & when she does let you in. Best💕wishes 🙏

strongmouse profile image
strongmouse

Services can and should get involved when someone is a 'danger to themselves or other people'.

Other wise they are quite right in saying that unless she asks for help they can't force her. If you are concerned about her drinking then you could speak to Alcoholics Anonymous. They have support groups for friends and family called Al-anon - al-anonuk.org.uk/

It is great that her partner and you care and are supporting her, but it helps to get advice and talk to those who have experienced similar. It sounds like she is using alcohol for support. You could try to open up a conversation generally about how hard it was during Covid and ask how people coped, rather than being direct? Allowing her to say what affected her? Asking how staff generally managed - or didn't. The sooner she gets help the better her chances of recovery, especially if she is loosing weight.

During Covid many NHS staff found it difficult mentally to cope. Recognising that you need help, and that it is okay to need help is the first step, but can be very hard. There is help available specifically for NHS staff - england.nhs.uk/supporting-o...

Take care of your self too. x

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