dating?

[Annie122]

hey does anyone find being in a relationship or dating some one is hard when you have ra to deal with? i feel it would put a strain on relationship ive been single for over five years the way i see it is if im meant to meet someone i will but i just always fear me telling a guy about my ra will put them off me its awful way to think thanks for reading this x

[Mmrr]

I feel very sad for my long term partner of 18 years, he is a tremendous support and never complains but I know he feels the loss ill health brings to our relationship.

However, there are many fabulous people out there in the big world who love and accept people for who and what they are, so don't give up hope of meeting a kind caring person.

Love is found in the most unsuspecting of circumstances and as such is usually meaningful and unpretentious.

[Annie122 in reply to Mmrr]

thank you for the reply

[Hidden in reply to Annie122]

I was diagnosed when my youngest son was 4 years old. His new partner (who he loves to bits) also has RA, He really understands her and helps her through the bad days.

[PJ1163]

If it put them off, they were the wrong guy. After all would you actually be considering going on a date or starting a relationship with someone that lacked empathy?

It may put friction in a relationship, my flare ups have been referred to more than once as convenient. Stick with it, it always works out in the end.

[Annie122 in reply to PJ1163]

thanks for the reply its good to hear other peoples opinions

[Hidden]

I think many people think RA is just rheumatism, people just do not understand.

[Annie122 in reply to Hidden]

so true no one gets it unless they have it themselves

[Hidden in reply to Annie122]

I have educated many of my friends about rheumatoid arthritis and they have seen me rock bottom but slowly I am getting there.

Annie when were you first diagnosed, more importantly did you know for a while that you were not feeling quite right

[Annie122 in reply to Hidden]

hi minty i was diagnosed almost 17 years ago now i was only 16 when diagnosed yeah i new there was something wrong i thought it was bone cancer to begin with you always think the worst how long have you had ra?

[Hidden in reply to Annie122]

Funny, I initially thought I had bone cancer. My bones hurt do much!

[Rubyroo1 in reply to Hidden]

Me too, bone ache and lethargy, in a way it was a relied to find out that it was RA, despite RA being crappy !

[PJ1163 in reply to Hidden]

When asked why I was limping at work a few years I told the person I had RA, her reply was "my Nans dog has got that"

[Hidden in reply to PJ1163]

That made me smile but it just shows the ignorance of some people

[PJ1163 in reply to Hidden]

I try and remember, I didn't know what RA was until I was diagnosed and even now I don't always understand what I've got!

[Annie122 in reply to PJ1163]

how long have you had ra?

[PJ1163 in reply to Annie122]

Not that long really, about five years give or take a few weeks. I'm quite lucky as I have said before in another post. I still work full time, am a carer for an elderly parent and a full time grandparent. My condition clearly does take its toll but I don't suffer half as much as most on here.

[Annie122 in reply to PJ1163]

thats good. well done u x

[keeta in reply to PJ1163]

Ahh bless you x

[sjhewitt42 in reply to PJ1163]

😂

[sjhewitt42 in reply to sjhewitt42]

Sorry for laughing but typical comment x

[PJ1163 in reply to sjhewitt42]

I laughed at the time too, could be worse, I could have caught hard pad off her nans dog

[Hidden in reply to PJ1163]

This is how I started with RA, I was limping all day at work, thought it was just because I’d started a new job and being on my feet all day, was the reason for my limping, not to long after was diagnosed with RA, it’s not easy living with this disease, awful flare ups, people just don’t understand how painful it really is living with chronic pain.

Lady B 😊

[Annie122]

oh no not good

[rabbits65]

I do hope you meet someone soon, I completely understand how you feel as for me it has taken a lot of my confidence away ,

[Annie122]

same here since having ra from age 16 it def knocks your confidence thank you for the reply

[keeta]

Hi love .you.ll no when you meet him .if he.s good to you .and has empathy. If he loves you .relationships break up for lots of reasons. And so do marriages .some people can.t cope .your confidence is knocked at any age.we.ve been married 52years and sometimes it gets me down when i can.t do things we used to.

You are young please don.t worry.you.ll be fine .don.t rush into anything .hugs xxkathyxx

[Annie122 in reply to keeta]

thanks kathy xx

[keeta in reply to Annie122]

😙😚xx

[Annie122 in reply to keeta]

you give me a little hope lol x

[keeta in reply to Annie122]

Don.t worry lovely .just be your lovely self .and they will be lining up for you. The right person will love you .for you regardles of anything else. Hugs kathy xx

[wishbone in reply to keeta]

I've been married for 47 years and could not wish for a more supportive wife. Nothing is too much trouble for her, but being a bloke it really gets me down seeing her doing jobs around the house that I should be doing but no longer can because of this stupid disease!

It's not as if she's in perfect health either.

[keeta in reply to wishbone]

You are a lovely man .don.t beat yiurself up. Its not allways what we can do for each other .its time thought and love fir each other thats important esp at our age.hugs xxkathyxx

[wishbone in reply to keeta]

Thank you Kathy, that's so nice of you.

[keeta in reply to wishbone]

Xx

[Annie122]

thanks your too kind xx

[BUDGIEBURDEKIN]

Hi, I’m alone also, I do miss having a partner though, I would love to have someone For company BUT along with the RA I have Dementia not got me completely yet lol and I think it would be selfish to burden with me. It does happen. Xx

[Hidden in reply to BUDGIEBURDEKIN]

I think that we all must keep active and a positive mind. Smile at least one hundred times a day.

[Nessa28 in reply to BUDGIEBURDEKIN]

Your comment broke my heart . Never a burden to heavy to carry . What a selfless person you are xxx

[BUDGIEBURDEKIN in reply to Nessa28]

Than you, I caused too much stress apparently and I knew she was having a lot on the side say no more wink wink, in some away I was glad because she would have someone to hold her when I just can’t remember her or anyone else for that, I now live in a lovely flat alone lol, I can now live and do what the hell I want to lol. She is still my carer and we are still friends, we have a beautiful 8 year old Daughter and I’m off to see her. Oh her man seems to be a decent bloke and after all this time he still won’t look me in the eyes. Good luck to them both lol.

[AnneField]

I've been with OH for around 15 years and unfortunately, my RA has had a massive effect on you-know-what. I can barely manage it and this makes me sad because I'm only 42. Sorry if that was TMI.

[sjhewitt42 in reply to AnneField]

I’m exactly the same at 43 😭

[Gnarli in reply to AnneField]

You're not alone and it makes me very sad for all those afflicted

[Skolfield]

What we need is a dating site for people with ra or autoimmune troubles ! X

[AnneField in reply to Skolfield]

Methotrexdate?

[Hidden]

I think if the right person come along the illness wouldn't matter a jot to them.

I'm guessing a long term partner will find getting used to illness takes time to to come to terms with. Obviously things will change, but where there's love there is acceptance. After all, we all change, get older and less energetic. Bodies change, hair gets greyer and life throws curve balls. There are folks on here who have been together forever...through the worst and the best of it.

Of course, I've never really had a long term partner (out of choice) so I could just be talking cack. I'm one of those weird people that's just not bothered. Love people...just don't want to live with any! 😂

[Downtime]

I think it can be hard because most other people don’t quite get it. We get tired and achy and even though we might look fine and well, sometimes we’re just not.

I met someone and it was really good, but at the time my RA wasn’t controlled well and I was having trouble with the meds. I was having massive steroid injections which seemed to make me go a bit bonkers. In the end I gave up on the relationship because he didn’t understand how it was.

I remember once I said I didn’t feel like going somewhere as I was in pain and he said ‘cant you just take a pain killer’.

I’ve always tried to play the whole thing down and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, so maybe it was my fault, but as I’d already taken masses of Ibuprofen and paracetamol that morning. I realised he hadn’t got a clue about anything.

It’s tricky, if you’ve been married for years and health problems come along there’s hopefully acceptance and support, but when you’re starting out with someone new you don’t want to appear to be some needy sick person when you’re trying to be sexy and gorgeous 😂

I still regret how things worked out but I think if you do find the right person It could be really good. x

[Creakywrists in reply to Downtime]

I got RA after my husband died of cancer. The sons and I often say that he would have found it hard - he would have told me to rest and then 3 minutes later ask if it was my turn to make the tea !

On the other hand he dealt with his own diagnosis with great courage and acceptance and his last three months were filled with laughter. I try to remember that when things aren’t so good.

[Downtime in reply to Creakywrists]

I’m sorry to hear that you lost your husband. Mine died of cancer too and he also was amazing as he carried on as normal until a few weeks before his death, never complaining.

I often wonder how he would have coped with my having RA. I think he would have been a good man to have around as there was always lots of laughter around in our house even when things were grim 😢

[Fra22-57]

In sickness or in health. .a marriage vow but whether just starting a relationship they should be there for you and you for them.It works both ways and no one ever is perfect.Me being younger than my partner I thought it would be him who got ill first.

If that person wants to be with you he shouldn't see the illness.you will work through that together. Not everyone can.. but you don't see the wonky teeth in a person's smile but the radiance of their character.

[Shalf]

Well I prefer my doggies to be honest. They give unconditional love no matter what, very forgiving, playful, understand your moods, comforting, huge cuddles and kisses and great company!

[helixhelix]

All relationships go through hard times one way or another, RA is just another one of those things you have to deal with. It just hangs around longer (but then so are the step-children....)

But agree with others that much harder to start a relationship after diagnosis. You just need to get people to realise that someone with RA is likely to be more empathetic, caring of others, patient, and a good person to have around.

[Sjhoney]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. My husband is supportive but there are times when I can detect he is losing patience a little.

I have a friend who has RA and long before my own problems started I remember thinking ‘it can’t be that bad!’. Of course I now know how she felt and I feel terrible for thinking that!

Constant pain is so incredibly wearing, and it affects most aspects of your life. It’s so important that those closest to us understand and sympathise with what we’re going thru. Unfortunately this is not always the case 😕

[Hidden in reply to Sjhoney]

I felt a bit sad when I read your post. Does your husband have someone he can talk to? Men often struggle more than women in this way don't they. Maybe he is losing patience with the disease process, not you. Definitely two different things.

[Sjhoney in reply to Hidden]

I probably made it sound worse than it is. He’s very supportive but I think it’s only human to get frustrated at times. I’m pretty mobile, and don’t look any different, if that makes sense?

I just hate what this disease has done to me and worry about what’s ahead.

[Hidden in reply to Sjhoney]

Understood! I think everyone on here echoes the invisibility of the disease making it much harder.

[Sjhoney in reply to Hidden]

Having said that, I’m so much more aware of folk limping and using sticks etc, there are so many! And I feel like sympathising with every one!

[Hidden in reply to Sjhoney]

Yes, I walked around a park very, very slowly with a friend who needs a knee replacement and, having done very slowly with my OH this year, I found I was much more aware of her need to rest at intervals, without suggestion on her part.

[Ern007]

Annie122•

You will never know until you try. Some people will be put of. most won't. My wife has Angina, OA and RA - I have OA cervical disc generation , Angina, COPD, Paroxysmal AF. CKD Hight and low Thyroid alternating...

You know what, we get on just fine...

In your case the proof will be in the pudding, but you need to bite that pudding to see. Look try and if this does not work, try again..Never give up on being able to have a happy fulfilled life.. Wishing you all the best.. Ernest.

[Gigi71]

I have a partner of 23 years and we have our own homes, wouldn't have any other way. X

[oKerrio]

Me and my partner have been together since we were 17 and still going strong he has always accepted my Spina Bifida since we met, and with RA chucked in the mix last year he didn’t batter an eyelid, he asks questions to my doctors and nurses and ask their opinions about my conditions and medications and rightly so as he has to see me day in day out and is putting certain parts of his life on hold for me. There not many people out there who will accept you for who and what you are,there is not a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful and that he loves me, I feel a certain degree of guilt for not being able to keep up with him at times in everything he wants to do but if he really didn’t want to be here he wouldn’t. We laugh together we have a 15 year old daughter and try to do one thing every day together as a family because you never know when you will no longer be able to do it. Yes some of us come with excess baggage but you just have to find someone who is willing to help you unpack and I have been lucky enough to find someone.

[Rubyroo1]

I would say let someone get to know you as a person and you get to know them, then tell them about the RA/RD, then if they run for the hills, then you know that a) they are not worth it and b) that you deserve better.

I am on my second hubbie, the first was a complete **** - fill in the gap as you like, but my word starts with a c, long story akin to an Eastenders episode (sorry to those with a sensitive nature....but at least I didn't type it ) !

Anyway, I have been married to my gorgeous hubbie for just over 5 years, I have only recently been diagnosed with RA, so the "in sickness and in health" part is currently testing us. I have to say I am very lucky, we are a team, it's us against the world, so when I am not feeling great, he looks after me, and when the table is turned and he isn't well, I do my best to look after him. I do feel guilty when he works hard and then comes home and has to do stuff I cannot physically do, or have trouble with.

I do find that (sorry, hope this doesn't offend people) the sex issue can be difficult, especially as you feel tired a lot of the time, and depending upon which joints are inflamed, positions can be interesting/boring/the same. In addition, my hubbie is wary of causing me further pain, so that also adds to the mix.

There are some really lovely people out there ........who will love you for being you regardless of the RA............go get him/her and have fun along the way.

[Jules13]

I’ve been single for two years and had RA for the last year and a half. I’ve just felt well enough to start dating again but haven’t told any of them what I’ve got. I think if it gets to three or four dates then you know it might progress somewhere and then that is the time to mention it.

But I’m also in a place where I feel 80% ok so RA only really effects my fatigue and if I really overdo it. Xx

[VeronicaF in reply to Jules13]

Hi jules are you still on the H drug? how is your hair doing on it if you are?

[Jules13 in reply to VeronicaF]

I’m on methotrexate 17.5. Hydroxychloroquine 200mg and Sulphasalazine 2000mg daily.

Hair ok. Much better. Dry mouth also gone. The fatigue still floors me at times but generally feel so much better. X

[VeronicaF in reply to Jules13]

Thanks jules, when you say lots better your hair what do you mean? is is better, mines going so thin and not on anything yet, so it will be nice to know it will get better on meds

glad your loads better in yourself, great news

[Jules13 in reply to VeronicaF]

My hair went a bit dry and felt thinner when I first started methotrexate but it’s now back to how it was so I guess your body adjusts. But I think it’s the stress of being ill that causes hair loss to be honest. I’m not sure mine was anything to do with the medication. X

[VeronicaF in reply to Jules13]

are you still on Hydroxychloroquine? did you start methotrexate first on its on?