Off topic (but not)…. Dating : Hi all. Happy Saturday... - NRAS


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Off topic (but not)…. Dating

Pink75928 profile image

Hi all. Happy Saturday. How have you all been? I’ve been feeling quite good lately. The MTX seems to have started working thankfully and I’ve had a bout of energy this week. Anyway, I had a date last Saturday. I’ve been a single mum for the last almost 7 years and dedicated all my time to my daughters and work. The girls are now 15 and 20 so it’s about time I did something for myself. The date went really well and I’m seeing him again my question is, at what point do I explain RA to him? I’m scared he’ll run a mile 😂

36 Replies

I can't answer your question I'm afraid as I've never been in that situation. However, It's great to hear that the mtx is working and that you are starting to have a life for yourself again. Wishing you well xx

I’d actually tell him ASAP. I hope he is very understanding. 🙏🏻💗 x

I agree, mention it early on. All I'd say is that although your RA is a massive deal to you be gentle when telling him. Meaning tell him in passing and don't go into it to much unless he asks. Then in time if things go well you can explain more.

When I first started dating I was so petrified of telling people but I knew I didn't want to not tell them. I wanted to be upfront and honest about it without scaring them off.

I failed catastrophically the first time I told someone and did a sort of verbal vomit about it all through shear nerves. It wasn't good.

So now I mention it early in but only lightly and then go into more detail if there are more dates to follow.

Either way, it's fantastic news that you are well enough to date!!

The right person will be totally cool about it and want to know all about you .

Agree fully not to detail it too much and just say it is something you manage well and control but think it’s right to mention it and as you say the right person won’t bat an eyelid and just understand you have to take care of yourself. Nothing wrong with that. 💗x

This is what happened to me 21 years ago, I'd been on my own 8 years and my 2 were 14 and 17. Good on you for getting back into the world, you have done your bit raising your family and now it's your time. I hadn't been diagnosed when I started the dating scene again but I probably would have mentioned it in passing. You don't have to go into detail just yet, get to know him a little better 1st then drop the bombshell 😂 If he's a keeper he'll hang around 👍

Good luck and let us know when the wedding is because I'll need a new frock

👍😂 ps I'm still with my "one night stand" from all those years ago

Neonkittie17 profile image
Neonkittie17 in reply to Bootoo

Aww 💗💗 xx

Bootoo profile image
Bootoo in reply to Neonkittie17

I only stayed because he can cook 😂 we still have 2 houses though 👍😂

Neonkittie17 profile image
Neonkittie17 in reply to Bootoo


CripLady profile image
CripLady in reply to Bootoo

The only person I’ve ever lived with was a chef 😂

Sounds like the best of both worlds I would say 🥰

It certainly is, I've done the living with someone once...never again thank you😂

It is very early in your RA journey, so the chances are good that your disease will be controlled and you will get back to a completely normal life - just with a few pills and more medical appointments than usual. These days having serious damage is uncommon, and our lifespan is also pretty normal.

I’ve been on this forum quite a long time now, and the number of people who are here when first diagnosed needing support as it is can be so awful. And then a year or 18months later they are off, back living their lives as they should.

So I wouldn’t make a big deal of it at this stage. Maybe mention in passing you have an auto-immune condition that is getting under control, but no great drama.

Hi Pink. That's great news that the MTX is working for you and that you're feeling good and actually, it shows. I would just mention it in passing as it's only been one date so far and you don't know yet where this is going so there's no need to rush anything. Just my opinion. I hope it all works out really well for you. All the best. xx

I think it pays to be honest and straight forward from the start. I wish you well and lots of happiness. 🌸 😊 🌞

That's great news. I am very pleassd for you. I think it is always better to 'come clean' from the start. It would be much harder to deal with if he couldn't handle it, once you are established in the relationship. (Oops! I sound like Margery Proops, if anyone remembers that far back.) Good luck with mxt and your new man.

Oh the temptation to say nothing and enjoy yourself but it will always hangover you and spoil things for you . You won’t always be well and starting a relationship by not telling Him is not a lie but by omitting something important as your health doesn’t sit well with me . If he’s a Gooden he’ll stick around. . Oh do keep us posted I love a romance 😁

Tell him straight away, it’s not as if you have a STD.

Mmrr profile image
Mmrr in reply to Cactiman


Pink75928 profile image
Pink75928 in reply to Cactiman

This made me laugh! 😂😂

Hi - gosh how lovely - dating again! You know- people can develop things throughout their life time - just because we meet someone who maybe doesn't have something going on will not mean they will never have anything at all in the future. He will hopefully like you so much they want to carry on seeing you - I would tell them asap - leaving it any longer would only make things trickier for you and them. Don't be too down hearted if they need time to process what you say about RA. RA can be controlled - . Good luck!

How lovely for you, exciting stuff, enjoy.

I would tell him straight away, no need for all the details, but best to be up front.

(If it was the other way round you most probably would want to know about him)

Thank you all. I think I’m going to tell him. We have a date tomorrow. I’ll keep you all updated x

I agree with everybody here. It made me think about when a close colleague told me she had RA and I hadn't got a scooby doo what it was and replied something like " oh yeah my dad gets rheumatismewhen its wet " 🤦 (different i know but ..)

Tell him. He will be fine I'm sure. I told someone-he is an osteopath so already had some understanding. He is more aware of places we go to. And chauffeur service to restaurant as I get dropped off and picked up whilst he fights for a car parking space. Im already drinking cocktails by the time he's back from the carpark. Result!

awwww Pink, this is so exciting I'm so pleased for you, I too love a romance. Best to mention it but don't go into too much detail and say you are doing well and under control with the meds. Enjoy your next date, keep us posted x

If he s a decent bloke he will stick around and it says he thinks a lot of you . If he buggers off your well shut of him plenty of decent blokes out there tell him ASAP good luck 🥰

So exciting that you are starting to date again. Well done you lovely, you deserve to be loved and happy. Like others have said do let him know that you have RA sooner rather than later but not full details as if the relationship develops he will start to learn how it can affect you and support you on those difficulty days. Do keep us posted won’t you. RD is part of us but it doesn’t define us. He is a lucky man to be dating you. x

My partner spotted something on our first date and asked. I told him the truth. Been together 9 years now. He never quibbled and worried about it. He's my rock. I've had RA 23 years now and was also a single mum. If he hadn't asked I probably would have waited to see how the first few dates had gone. Don't leave it too long as you will want to know where you stand. To be honest I've always been independent and never wanted or expected anyone to look after me. Too stubborn. Enjoy the romance x

Update. We had a chat on the phone tonight and I brought it up. And he said he had a feeling as he’d noticed my hands. His words were “I’m here to support you if you need it. I will boost you up” I’m shocked that there are still nice men in the world 😳

J1707 profile image
J1707 in reply to Pink75928

🥰🥰how lovely… who needs a mills and boon when we’ve got your budding romance 😂

Pink75928 profile image
Pink75928 in reply to J1707

Hahahahaha!!! This made me laugh. Poor man doesn’t realise what he’s getting himself into

Kags1068 profile image
Kags1068 in reply to Pink75928

Oh my word, that's so lovely. Really pleased to hear he reacted so positively. I had this dilemma the whole time I dated as I developed the condition at 14. I always dreaded it. Never knew when or if to say anything, or indeed, what to say. Didn't help that I found it very difficult to talk about!

As others have said, if someone reacts badly (and I did experience this), they're not worthy of you. If they're a decent type they will take in their stride. He sounds like a decent type. Good luck and enjoy your time together xx😊

Lovely to hear that x

Hi Pink great to see your back out there and living your life . Just giving you my opinion from a blokes point of view . I would appreciate being told after a few dates honesty and being upfront is a good trait in a person . If this guy is worth his salt then he won't bat an eyelid and will ask you anything he feels he needs to know . Don't forget he's dating you not your illness don't forget if he's turned up for a second date he must be interested. Good luck relax and enjoy there are some good guys out there xx

J1707 profile image
J1707 in reply to ProudYorky

Great reply x

Kags1068 profile image
Kags1068 in reply to J1707

Agreed - lovely reply x

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