needing some serious advice please

[chloegv1]

so I was diagnosed around summertime with RA, and I have a really close relationship with my dad. because of our close relationship, he is really suffering from watching me go through this. so much so that he has started to turn to alcohol. I'm really confused on what to do and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up with him because he doesn't speak up much about his feelings. I know this isn't me asking about RA but I'm really needing some help and I don't know who to turn too. my mum knows about it and has confronted him about it but it hasn't stopped him. thanks in advance.

[Shalf]

Hi Chloe, This must be really tough for you not only with your recent diagnosis but also the worry about your dad.

It's really important for you to understand that stress, worry and anxiety can cause a flare and can make you feel more unwell and in turn won't help your dad if he see's you more ill.

Was he receptive to your mum when she confronted him? It maybe worth considering having a chat with your GP. If your dad is registered at same surgery as yourself then even better. The doctor may ask your dad to go in for a chat regarding how he is feeling. It is so difficult for family members to see the effects RA has on loved one's. Your dad sounds like he may be still in the process of acceptance and has not come to terms with it just yet. Alcohol is one of the easiest things to turn to during stressful periods in life. Sometimes a little helps people to relax but there are also times where people can take it to block out emotions and upsetting thoughts and it's not the answer in dealing with this. I feel for you both and can understand. Have you told him how you feel about his drinking? Men are very different from us when it comes to emotions. It's actually more difficult for men because they don't open up the same as us women do therefore bottle up things which we know isn't healthy. I don't know if you are on treatment or how you are coping with your RA. If it is controlled and you are able to do things - work etc then reassure your dad of that. If your not too well then he has to seek help for himself and for you. The relationship being close will help to prompt him to speak with someone. Your GP can definitely advise of councelling services in your area. Sleep well for now - catch up tomorrow. Suzie xx

[chloegv1 in reply to Shalf]

thank you so much! im currently trying to find the right medication that will work for me so its a little bit difficult at the moment since i can only stay at home. i havent told him how i felt but i might have to! i havent thought of talking to the gp about him so thankyou! and thank you so much for helping! xx

[Shalf in reply to chloegv1]

Chloe your more than welcome darlin. Do you have any brothers or sisters or maybe a friend of your dad's who you could confide in? I don't know what age you are but if you are very young it may be better if a person older tries to help. You are a very endearing woman. Your dad is a lucky man to have such a thoughtful daughter. I'm sure if he finds out your upset and worried he will do all he can to sort this out. It's maybe just his way of trying to deal with it. Dad's are ever so protective with their children, I experienced this within my own family. They can sometimes blame themselves for things ( as they see it) going wrong. It's a sad story but I am sure the end will be a happy one. Keep smiling lovely! Xxxx

[nablur]

Hi Chloe. You are in no way responsible for your Dad’s choices regarding alcohol or anything else. It’s hard enough to deal with our own issues.

Just like our disease, we did not cause it, cannot cure it and can only try with proper meds to control it.

Best to focus your attention on yourself. You’re a big job for one. And a wonderful caring daughter. Just not any extra bandwidth to try to take on someone else’s drinking.

Here’s my suggestion: find an al-anon meeting nearby and you and your mum go check it out.

You’ll find others who are there because someone else’s drinking bothers them. It will help.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[chloegv1 in reply to nablur]

thankyou so much! ill have a look! xx

[helixhelix]

That's a difficult one, as alcohol is a slippery beast. But brave of you to acknowledge it and want to do something about it.

I suggest that the best thing to do would be to seek advice from those experienced with this, and who can give you amd your mum direct support too.

al-anonuk.org.uk

You can't tackle it for him, and ultimately it's only your Dad who can. So please concentrate on you, as getting your disease controlled might help him if it's not right under control now. But also be aware that it might not, as there's often a complex emotional history to alcohol dependancy.

Also think about telling your own doctors of this additional stress you are under. With a recent diagnosis too you might find it helpful to get some counselling of your own. Good luck.

[chloegv1 in reply to helixhelix]

thankyou so much, thats really really helpful! xx

[Hidden]

Hi. I agree with the other posters. You might also find that there are alternative agencies (other than Al anon) in your area. Professionals can then give all family members advice, and or counselling re the alcohol issues. If your Dad's in denial he will just be irritated by your Mum bringing up the subject, so you need support. Take care of yourself first.

[chloegv1 in reply to Hidden]

thankyou!!

[BUDGIEBURDEKIN]

Hi Cloe, this is a bad situation your in at the moment, have you been able to talk to him about the situation and that it isn’t helping you, how long has this been going on? If you don’t mind.

[chloegv1 in reply to BUDGIEBURDEKIN]

im honestly quite nervous to talk to him about it because its my first experience coming across something like this, this has probably been going on for the past couple of months now

[VeronicaF]

Hi cloe, your first job is not to stress and worry, you got to think about you!! and take your meds to get better, and in time I am sure seeing you get better will help your mum and dad.

but you can not carry this worry about your dad and your mum on your own, you need support, its about you at the moment.

maybe if you can tell the GP or nurse anyone who can give you and your family support, I don't know how old you are? but if your still at school tell a teacher they will get your family the right support.

and then you don't have to worry so much because other people will be helping your dad, so you can concentrate on yourself and getting better xx

[chloegv1 in reply to VeronicaF]

thank you so much! xx

[medway-lady]

I'd suggest that you just talk to your dad RA is not a death sentance its treatable and these days their are some good medications and you can lead a normal life. I feel for you but do wonder if the RA is not the problem but a lable that is convienent and your dad really needs professional help which is beyond you and your mum as your too close to the problem. I think its sad but booze is a drug too and once in its grip people just have excuses to try to justify the use of it when in reality its a drug which is highly addictive too. Like fags and cocaine all are addictive and its hard to see how you can change anything without some serious help and of course he must want that help too. Please don't feel that your diagnosis has caused the problem as its too easy to feel guilty when in reality its just that coincidence has meant that its all happened at the same time and it may be that it would have been the same situation without the RA diagnosis anyway. I hope you and your mum get some good help from the GP or AA and we had a family member who fought the drink it was not easy though.

[chloegv1 in reply to medway-lady]

thankyou so much!

[Jules13]

My parents were really affected when my RA was diagnosed. It killed them to see me in pain and they felt completely helpless.

You have to keep talking to them. Tell your dad you’re in pain right now but it will get better. Reassure him it’s temporary and you can’t let it get him down. Just keep talking.

If he is an alcoholic then sadly only he can reach out for help. Offer your support but ultimately it is his decision to stop drinking.

I’ve had two members of the family with alcohol addiction problems and no matter how hard you try to help, it almost always falls on deaf ears.

Be there for your dad but be there for yourself too. You must concentrate on getting better. The more you keep communication open with your family the better.

I tried to hide my illness from my parents because I hated upsetting them. But then they just worried more. So it’s a tricky one.

Good luck XX

[chloegv1 in reply to Jules13]

thank you so much, thats really helpful! xx

[Philip]

Try this charity ASAP, NACOA, THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS.

nacoa.org.uk

08003583456.

Please give these a shout because they can help in alsorts of ways, take care and keep in touch, DONT just vanish.

[BUDGIEBURDEKIN]

Be strong, Avery dear friend of mine is a member because of her family.

It’s recommended.

Philip x