Hello all. I’ve been meaning to post on this forum for over a week. I met my husband over 28 years ago when we were teenagers. We have been married for 18 years in May. Week before last he dropped the bombshell that he had feelings for someone else and was leaving me. We were happy and even he says we were. The only answer I have managed to get out of him is that he has clicked with this person and they started getting closer last October and became more serious from January. The worst thing is I have been suffering from depression and was off work ill from January. He used the time between finishing work and coming home to me to be with her. She works in his team and he is her manager. Her husband and I also both work for the same employer. I feel hurt, devastated and lost. He was my primary carer and when he announced the news, he said he was leaving that night. My mum is with me but she can’t help in a physical way as she is in her 70s. I have social services calling this week coming and also people from my local mental health partnership. I feel I’ve lost my husband and my best friend. I can’t see what kind of a future I will now have. I’m struggling as I still have feelings for him but we could never go back even if he begged me. Any advice would be great 😢 feeling v low....
Lost since husband has left me after 28 yeard - NRAS
Lost since husband has left me after 28 yeard
If he treated u like this after all those years he dosent deserve u .stay strong accept help u will get through this hugs Amy x
Oh I’m so sorry to read this, how devastating for you. You must be taking it one day at a time at the moment...it must have been an awful shock for you especially after 28 years...did you have any signs?
I really hope you’ve got some family and friends to talk too to help you through this .I hope social services can get you some help.
Please try to stay strong, you need to think of yourself now, sending you a big cyber hug 🤗
I am so sorry to hear this. After 28 years together there will be no quick fix sadly. You are incredibly brave to post this and have done exactly the right thing by looking for support on this wonderful site.
The love of my life left me three months after I got my diagnosis. I wasnt the easiest person to be around as I was very ill but I didnt deserve to be abandoned. Neither did you. I wasnt married and hadn't been with him for nearly as long as you and your husband.
I really think you should explore types of councelling with your mental health team as you will still be in terrible shock and as that shock changes you may get a significant flare of your physical symptoms.
Words can't really do much to comfort in a terrible time like this but keep posting and keep around friends and family who will allow you to talk and vent any and all emotions that you need to.
X
What a dreadful shock for you, I am so sorry. It's bad enough coping with this wretched disease, without a bombshell like that.
I'm so glad you have social services and the mental health team coming to visit you. Please accept as much help as you are offered. They won't have a magic wand, but you need support, and help to get through your grief and hurt, and you may well need financial support as well.
One thing I have learned is that in this sort of circumstance it's best to give yourself time before making irrevocable decisions, if that's possible.
Do take care, and keep in touch. You're in my thoughts, Mavis xx
I am so sorry to read this Fiona. What a shock, you obviously has no idea. I don't know which is worse, having no clue or having your suspicions, either way it's bound to have left you in a state. What the heck, how could he do that?
Do take care of yourself, it's understandable you're so low, your Mum being with you hopefully helps. I hope you have a close friend who can be there for you too but we're here if you need us. x
I can't like your post darling as it is so sad. I don't know what to say to you to make you feel brighter. I know you will make all the right decisions for you. Know he won't find the grass greener on the other side of the fence. I really believe if anyone is going to be unfaithful then get out of the marriage before it gets pyschical. I am so sorry my darling,but you will be better off without him if he feels like that. You will get over him in the end darling.xxxxx
I am so sorry to hear this, I do feel for you, I was in same situation 7 years ago, after 31 years of marriage, my husband did same thing. On a positive note, I am now married to a lovely man, moved to the country, started living again, the plus side is my husband married his young bride and is thoroughly regretting splitting up with me, there marriage is not a happy one. As the saying says, "what goes around................... Karma! Is a wonderful thing. Stay positive, I know things look bleak now but you really don't know what's round the corner xx
I am so so sorry to read this. You must focus on yourself by staying strong, I know it's easy said, hopefully you have friends and family to get you through, even though your thinking what do I do now. If your friends are truly your friends they will help you through.
I know your probably thinking it's easy for us to put these words, I went through similar, ended without Choice divorcing my ex to keep house as she wanted him to go for half. To this day he regrets doing what he done.
I had few friends those friends and my teenage sons got me through.
Sending {hugs} and lots of love
Pamela xxx
I really don’t know what to say, but if he can give up everything after a few short months, he’s not worth your love. I’m glad social services and the mental heath team are seeing you - accept anything they offer you. If you feel like a bit of a rant, or just a sympathetic ear, this site is for you.
Sending you lots of hugs.
Hi there what a rotten Man? He has been some men can't face the thought of having to help their partners when it comes to Chronic illnesses. He will see the error of his grass on the other side greener! You will get through this, you have the right Support coming into place, glad you had the sense to contact them, accept all the help you can get as long as its in your favor. You mum is doing great though she physically can't help you just being there is fantastic help and a shoulder to cry on. I believe that you will come out of this a stronger person Emotionally and Mentally, psychologically, fight the good fight don't dwell on what's past think too the future on what can be One day at a time. Let us know in this fantastic group how you are getting on, remember it will take a bit of time, God Bless Xxx.
So sorry to hear this. My friend recently went through the same thing, she had been with her husband for 35 years and married for 30. It’s taken her about 6 months but she is now feeling much stronger and living her life without him. You will get there too but it will take time. Big gentle hugs 🤗
Fiona,
Your warmth comes through everything you’ve written in your posts here. He’s a fool and didn’t deserve you. He will lose the respect of his friends and associates and, once the novelty wears off, the guilt will catch up with him. If you can treat this as a bereavement you stand a good chance of coming out whole, given time.
God bless and give you strength.
Dodo
You poor love.Seems you have been taken advantage of by his girlfriend. Jumped in when you needed him.Guess she was at first offering someone to talk to but things moved on.Her husband will be grieving too and angry.
Sounds like mid life crisis with someone else finding him attractive. Thing is it is also unprofessional of him as her manager and I would report him to the company
Pleased you have your mum with you and extra help arriving
So sorry to hear what has happened to you. Please don’t despair. Your future life may not be what you expected but it can still be good, even brilliant, if you let it. Take some good legal advice, for your own financial safety, and don’t underestimate a 71-year old woman, especially one who loves you.
Just a thought, could you perhaps ask for a referral to the occupational therapist, who could give you some relaxation techniques. I know it was one of the things that came up when I was sent to the occupational therapist for general help and it might help you to feel calmer. All here wish you well. x
So sorry to hear your news. Keep seeking support from others as you are doing here. Many good words of wisdom and empathy found in the posts above. I agree....how unprofessional. I bet your husband's HR department at his company would frown upon what he is doing. Stay strong, dear one. One minute, one day at a time. Big hugs and prayers.
Oh how rotten. As you say, it's early days so first, be selfish. Only you can take care of you. Second, don't take any major decisions in a hurry and don't let anyone pressure you into agreeing to anything. Third, allow yourself to grieve for something lovely that has gone but always remember what he became. Fourth and finally, you are stronger than you know and you will survive this. I should know. My decree absolute dropped onto the doormat on my 46th birthday having lost my then husband due to his being a workaholic after 25 years of marriage and 29 of being together. Your best revenge is to be happy.
J
Hello
I didn’t know a thing what he had been doing. I had been off work with depression from January and according to him, it was then their relationship became more serious. What type of a person can do that to someone? I think that’s what really hurts the most. We have always got on great and been laughing and happy together. When he told me, he said that I had been asking him why he was sometimes a bit distant but because I was in antidepressants I blamed myself for overthinking and he would say that it’s just because he was super busy in work and there was nothing wrong. Throughout all of this, i finding it hard because I feel like I’ve lost my husband and best friend. I don’t have many friends at all because we met when I was 14 and friends I had at the time drifted away as we became closer. I feel so alone and have no idea what my future looks like. I have had arthritis from a young age and there has been so much damage I doubt anyone would want me. Not that I’m ready for another relationship. People say I’m pretty but I just think that my body has had so much damage. I know that sounds superficial but I’ve never had to think along these lines as I thought we would grow old together and eat fish and chips on the seafront! Everything I’ve ever know has been taken away. He moved out (kind of) the same day. My mum is good but she is treating this situation as if it’s the same for her and I’m struggling with that because it’s like my feelings are secondary. For once in my life I feel this is about me and how upset I am. Yes, it has had a knock on effect to my mum but I feel like I am battling to have my feelings recognised. I really hope something positive will come out of all this mess. Feels like a million things to put in place. Everybody has been so kind on this forum, it means so much to me. It’s lifted my spirits when I didn’t think they could be. There’s all the financial stuff to sort out, the emotional side too plus if I return to work, I don’t want to see them together. 28 years have gone down the pan and the woman he is with has two young children. It’s such a horrible situation all around. Bless you all for showing such care and love. Keep any advice coming through. I need as much as I can get 🙂 xxx
I really really feel for you...I can imagine what you’re going through, I don’t really want to talk about my personal experience on here but happy to discuss by PM if you wanted 😊. I didn’t realise either that you would have to work with them both, I’m not going to judge anyone in this situation but people can be very selfish sometimes and just think of their own “needs”. Sending you loads of warm wishes and please try to stay strong. Their relationship won’t be easy if there’s two small children to think of too and maybe he will realise the grass is not greener...what you give out you get back!! 😊 xx
I’m not sure how to PM - I’ve never done that before? Do I need to follow you and go from there? Xxx
I think if you click on my moniker, then hit message it should PM...I don’t do it very often!! 😊. Happy to help if any way I can..even if it’s to listen, you can feel VERY isolated at a time like this. Everyone on here I’m sure will support you..you’ve had some fantastic replies and it definitely helps. X
Hi sending love
Love Lizards positive words, Me too, I was with him 28 and married 19 and a woman he had disliked from workplace suddenly became his complete focus!!! so Do understand and love Lizards words, thank you for those and we are here together in the right place, Xx. I would say if he decides to rekindle, to almost interview him, what has changed, why etc, I do believe in giving one second chance if you really want it, but only if his realisations have been made for the 'right reasons,' so to speak, Your integrity and esteem paramount xx
Hiya... ah, thanks for your reply. I couldn’t go back because the trust has gone. I would be permanently thinking something is going on and I think I would drive myself around the bend. It’s such a shame. If we had been unhappy and arguing etc it wouldn’t have come as such a massive shock. I haven’t eaten a proper meal in two weeks. Just had small bits to eat. I feel my world has fallen apart - literally. I wish I had more friends etc but being on here really does make me feel like I can get through this. Small steps and put things in place with social services and solicitor. Never thought this would ever happen to me. Makes me realise that anything can happen. Love and hugs xx
With your illness you cannot not have a proper meal even only for one day. Be loving and kind to yourself. In time you will get over this, so whatever you do, do not damage your health and your body. It is hard to accept that he does not care about you any more, but you must care about you even more.
Oh so well said, I'm pleased you have grasped all that, so soon, well done you,
I get it totally about trust me too, in fact not to go into it deeply, because he kind of played with my head and wouldn't admit, I went two years dreading tues and sat when I knew their paths would cross! ( not god for the soul ) it took his Boss to tell me what the knew,,,
Write anytime and yes, small steps, you will be fine and your inner strength is shining as so it should , my kids were all fine, by the way, as long as they see you are ok, is what matters, it is also common around them at school etc
Lots of love, chin up, and thank you, you have actually done me a lot of good, bit that's a different story, Yes, without trust what I the point, Xx
Hi
I’ve being in your position my husband did the same after 18yrs marriage.
My only advice I can give you is take one day at a time.
Let ppl help you .
Your not alone xx
Thank you for your kind words and support. It feels awful at the moment. It’s been two weeks today so still early days. People have said I will probably go through different stages - shock, upset, anger etc. I think I’m still stuck between the first two at the moment. I still have feelings for him but would never take him back. As we met when we were so young, the special bond we had had been broken and nothing can change that. I’m trying to keep things civil and tidy as I could do without heated arguments as it makes my arthritis flare up. I will be glad when I can see a bright future for me. Fingers crossed that I will get through this awful episode in my life. Love and hugs xxx
Yes you will go through all the stages and one morning you will wake up and them crying can’t do it without him stage will have gone.like I said we also met really young and when he realises grass not that green on other side you might also find him back at your door step mine did.
But you will get through it.
In time 🙂
Hi Fiona - I am very sad to hear this and the similar stories that others had related. It is hard to imagine anyone doing that just when you are your most vulnerable, but I guess my first thought is "what the heck were they thinking?" The four of you work in one company, and if his boss or HR find out that he is having an affair with a subordinate, he will probably lose his job. That will hurt you too unfortunately, AND his new girlfriend. Hard to get work if you have been terminated.
Please know that you have support here, and are always welcome to vent, rage or just relate if you want to. Sending gentle hugs your way, and the warmest of thoughts..
I've been thinking of you today and hoping that you are managing to get through the day.
When this happened to me my friend said you must get up, get washed and get some fresh air. Three rules not to be broken and she was right. I was in such a state that just focusing on achieving those three things really helped, because quite frankly I just wanted to hide under my duvet for the rest of my life!!
I'm not sure how you feel about this, and I dont know your husband or his character but when my ex partner left me I was advised to look up the checklist of a sociopath on a website called lovefraud. The reason I'm suggesting this is that some of the things you say about your husband are ringing true with my ex, who I am niw convinced is a narcissistic sociopath with his own needs at the forefront of his mind. We used to cry with laughter and have so much fun, but when I got really ill and my appearance changed due to my medication he moved on to something more suitable for his image.
I think it might help you to read the sociopath checklist. Its up to you. I may be wrong but it might just help you heal by understanding. But as I said I may be wrong.
Get back to me though on how you are doing.
Google: sociopath checklist love fraud.
Xx
Aww god I’m near in tears how sad that’s disgusting I’m so sorry you wouldn’t want to know what I would do honestly, you’ll have to go through all the emotion but you will comes through the other end. I’m so sorry .
My hearts goes out to you. I can not not imagine your feelings, especially in your condition. So glad you have your mom. Hugs and prayers!
I have gone through this too. Would have been our 30th anniversary this May. I know exactly how you feel. I can't give you advice because everyone is different but I know that all you need at the moment is people around you who will listen. Try not to let other people be negative or angry around you, you have enough of your own to deal with. And as for people who say you'll get over it in X amount of time, don't believe that. You'll deal with it all in your own time. Stress is really not good for us though. Be kind to yourself. Get some counselling, see your GP. And remember, this wasn't your fault. He made this choice. Not you. He'll likely come to regret it but now, your priority is you. Sending you many warm hugs. X
Hi Priss - Truer words were never spoken. My best non-husband friend lost her husband almost three years ago, and I was a little confused about how she chose to keep and discard friends (thank goodness she kept me), and she finally told me the other day that she culled the negative people out. She had one friend that can turn a joyous occasion into a funeral dirge, and she needed people that were supportive but let her have space to cry or not as she needed. So I agree with you, and everything you said. Another friend she culled started telling her that she needed to "get over it and move on <30 years of marriage>", and I kept telling her that she could move on when she was ready. Excellent advice
Thank you. I hope your friend is coping. 2 and half years for me. Xxx
Hi Priss - You know, she is doing remarkably well all things considered. She is still sad of course, and misses her husband terribly. She has hard moments, like the other day when she decided to clear out just a little of her husband's office. Like mine, his office was uniquely his. It would be the hardest space in the house for me too. But she gets out and does things, she laughs with her friends and we drink wine when we need to. Overall, remarkably well.
I truly hope you are doing as well in this hardest of situations..
I had a similar thing to you 20 years ago, my wife of 10 yrs left me for her older boss and at first I couldn't see past each day but it did get easier after I realised I was well rid of her, you must think of you and look after yourself!
I too thought I would never meet anyone, but I did and she's a much nicer person and we've been together for 11 yrs now.
Sending you Hugs xx
This happened to a very close person and it had been absolute trauma. Do talk to a professional though. I am pleased to say she is in a better place now and looks absolutely fabulous! Karma always steps in.
I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. I've felt this pain too and can honestly say it was the worst time of my life. I remember the emotion physically hurt. One day though I got up and felt stronger. You will too. Be strong and take care of yourself. You are a far better and more beautiful person than he could ever be and you deserve so much better than this. Best wishes to you x x
Another day.... my mind is racing with all the reminders and plans we had made. Feeling so low. He came over last night as I need help to go upstairs and get in and out of the bath. It’s hard, but until I have the adaptations done, it has to be. We needed to find our marriage cert for my solicitor. He couldn’t find it the day before and last night he found it. I was sitting with my mum and he just said he found it and handed it over like it was a gas bill. Whilst he was here he was whistling and singing. It irritated me so much I bit and said to him to stop being so insensitive. He replied and said I had changed my mood from the day before! Just feels like he is rubbing salt in the wound. I feel so hurt. He is like a stranger even after 28 years together. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to come out if this. I am out of diazepam which helped my mind so going to speak to my doc tomorrow. Thank you all so much for every bit of advice you have given. It means so much. I hope I will be better throughout the day. I can’t even concentrate on tv. He had ruined me and taken all the lovely plans and tirn them up along with my heart 💔
<3 sending you a big gentle hug from across the pond
Thank you.... I’ve had so many lovely messages of support on here. It really does help ☺️ I just wish it wasn’t happening at all xxx
I'm devastated to read this. I'm so sorry. 28 years together and he ups and leaves? I am in a 32 yr relationship so my heart aches for you. All I can say is please find a good lawyer and get everything you deserve. Take him to the cleaners through your lawyer.
You may feel weak now, have a good cry. Then wipe your eyes and find your inner strength. You are strong, you will survive and thrive.
This is a new chapter in your life. Your future is waiting for you. Don't look back to the "what ifs", look forward and enjoy the new you.
One day you may even smile when you look back over his actions. You may even have a vindictive smile 
Everyone know that affairs between a manager and a staff member seems so skanky. I bet everyone they work with have lost all respect for them. Once you loose your respect, you can never gain it back.
Do you really think a manager and his employee's love affair have a future together? A love made in heaven?....She will take what she can get from him, which wont be anything of value because you already took it...He will be left the fool who cheated on his wife of 28 years. And you?....where do you think you will be? You will be happy in your new chapter of life and wonder "whatever did I see in that fool?"
All the best to you
Sue
I can't stop thinking about you and how you must be feeling right now, it must be so hard having to see and relying on him while he is being so insensitive. Can you get help from your council with your daily needs so you don't have to see him?
Just try to think that he is the loser now not you and karma has a way of balancing things out (eventually).
Thinking of you right now and sending you even bigger gentle hugs xxx
Hi... I’m expecting a visit from a social worker and occupational health this morning. I’m finding every morning really difficult. It feels like whilst I am sleeping I’m fine then I wake up and it comes flooding back again. When he is just helping me upstairs in the night it feels like we are strangers. Don’t know what to talk about and after 28 years, it feels sickening. I don’t think I will feel better for a long time. I wish this was just a really bad nightmare. I hope that I can live a happy life but at the moment it doesn’t feel that way at all.... thanks for caring - it means a lot xxx
Hello... just following on from my original post. I am finding the mornings are the hardest. With all the different meds I’m taking, I am sleeping well which is good. When I wake up all the emotions, upset and sheer hurt start all over again. I know it has been almost three weeks but I want to stop feeling this overwhelming loss. When my husband comes over to help me up the stairs, it’s so upsetting because he is like a stranger. All the care, love and support he showed me during the time we were together seems to have vanished overnight. I don’t even recognise the man I fell in love with and married 😢 I think that’s the hardest past of all. If he doesn’t love me anymore, fine, but just to stop showing some concern is just so hurtful. My life feels like a black hole with no light at the end of it. I stupidly thought that we would remain friends but I cannot see this happening. The trust has gone and he can’t even show a small amount of care. My mum says it’s prob because of his guilt. I just don’t know what to think. Thank goodness I have this little forum full of lovely caring people xxx
Hi Fiona... I came looking for your post today wondering how you are doing. I am sorry that it is still so hard, but if you think about it, that makes sense. After 28 years (since you were a young teen), that is most of your life... You don't get over that easily. As hard as it is to think about, he has had a lot longer to get used to the idea.
He may also be acting colder toward you because he doesn't want you to think that there is a chance to get back together..
Are you going to be able to move soon where you will not require as much help? Because I think that will be the next thing (not to put bad juju on the situation) - he will stop coming over..
Here's sending positive thoughts your way, and hope for some relief for you as soon as possible..
Thought I would update everyone today and try and get some advice. I’m finding mum mum is getting on my nerves because she has a very set routine and because she is now helping me it’s almost as if I’ve got to fit in with her. I really appreciate all her help but I will be going back to work shortly and just need my own routine back and create a new one for myself. It’s unclear whether we will be living together - maybe she will stay with me some of the time. I’ve looked into personal care. Carers won’t work for me, I need more flexibility and want to build up a relationship with that person. The social worker has mentioned direct payments scheme. Does anyone have any advice on this and what works best for someone who works but needs a fair bit of support in getting ready and going out and about. I’m only 42 and don’t want my life to be stuck indoors and waiting for carers to turn up. I’m not sure whether private may be the best option. One thing which is a much for me is a nice warm bath each night. It’s hells me out massively but the social worker didn’t seem overly supportive of that and I don’t know why. Help 🤞 xxxx
I say give him his just desserts. If he has been carrying on with a subordinate, let alone a married one. As a manager he is in a vulnerable position. He is clearly a self centred and ego driven. So hit him where it counts. Report his conduct and hers to your employer.
I am not sure what divorce laws are in your country but here he would pay for home care.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. As if you did not have enough to deal with. I hope karma serves him a punishing blow. The true justice would be him developing a severe autoimmune condition and see how long his new partner sticks around!! I would like to smack him myself. Hang in there. It may not seem like it now but everything happens for a reason. Perhaps a true partner is set to enter your life. I certainly am hoping something great happens for you. O
Hi Fiona - Just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing? I'm hoping that things feel a little better for you?
Hello.... I’m still really struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened. I’ve tried to keep my mind focused but whenever it’s not, the upset starts again. It’s been nearly four weeks and I still feel like I’m completely lost. Hopefully as each day goes by, it will ease . Thanks for your message - it’s lovely to know there are people who genuinely care xx
Yes - There are a lot of us out here. I am sorry that it is still so hard. I wish I had something magic today that would help, but please just know we think about you and wish the best for your recovery. Gentle hugs...
Dear Freesthomas,
I am sorry for everything you are going through. I cannot imagine the pain, fear, and sorrow you must be experiencing. And on top of that you have lost your caregiver.
I do not have much advice but I want you to remember a few things:
1. You are never alone...even when you feel like you are.
2. You have the strength to get through this...even though there will be times you doubt this.
3. Your life can be really good again...even though right now that probably seems laughable.
When I have felt really low at times I google Tony Robbins videos and watch a few. No, they don't magically transform me or pull me out of a depression but they do remind me that even when I feel hopeless or powerless, I am not. He reminds me how powerful our mindset is and always helps me to view depression or other yuck situations in another light - one that is more hopeful and one that I had a hard time seeing.
You are in my thoughts.
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