Hello all. Following on from my previous posts, I have spent a few hours today with my soon to be ex-husband. We had estate agents around to value the property. After 28 years of being together, I literally don’t know what to talk about. Apart from sorting out the house etc., there’s no topic of conversation I can think of. It upsets me so much that this is what it has come to. All week, I’ve not needed to take diazepam but after today, I do. That says it all really. I feel that you think you know a person but really don’t. Whilst we were out sorting stuff out, his other woman messaged him. I couldn’t help myself but to say, doesn’t she have any respect and why is she messenging him when it’s her time in this weekend with her children (what kind of a mother is she exactly). I know the answer to that is probably neither of them have any respect for their prospective partners, otherwise they wouldn’t have had the disgusting affair to begin with. I’m so annoyed and upset at the same time and I’m equal measures. To him, things we are sorting like selling the house, car etc are like business transactions - no feelings at all. 🙄 Fed up with feeling like this. Wish I could just switch off my emotions and be more robotic, like him!
Nothing to talk about.... after 28 years together - NRAS
Nothing to talk about.... after 28 years together
Such a difficult time for you. He sounds very insensitive! The stress can’t be helping you’re RA.
Hi Helenw7.... no, it’s definately not helping my RA and I’m suffering with depression too. It makes me so upset to get to this stage after 28 years together. You’d think there would be no reason not to be able to have a decent conversation, but that doesn’t seem possible. I feel like my insides have been ripped out, my heart torn in half and he doesn’t give a damn. Unbelievable! I never saw it coming and even now, it doesn’t feel real. My healing process hasn’t kicked in and it’s been about 9 weeks. Xx
It's his guilt making him behave this way.....and you are still in shock.
Just try to hold on & down the line you will meet your soulmate.....& look back on this time & realise how strong you were.
I know you can't get your head around things right now...but cliché that it sounds time will help you cope.
You are better than him, maybe he is looking for a reaction from you.
I went through it like many others and now its many years ago. I can't remember well what my ex spouse looks like . its become cloudy and I don't think about it. I have another life another other half. In the end it did me a favour but I didn't think so at the time. Now I would go through it all again to get to where I am. I have a new life and the person I am now is truer to myself than the one I had become.
Good luck for your future. Having RA doesn't change who I am
Aww bless you divorce is so hard especially when your the innocent party.xxxx
Hi Sylvi - yes, I never thought I would be in this position. We always got on really well and have had a lot of good times. In a way, it makes it even harder as he seems so cold and distant. It’s like I’m a stranger to him. I just can’t see a way clear or visualise my future. I can see couples out and about and think that was me a few months ago. Seeing the closeness that some have with one another makes me so upset that I may never experience that again. I’m having a particularly low day today. XX
There is someone better out there for you who won't misuse your trust darling.xx
Thanks Sylvi... I thought I had my soul mate and that’s the hardest part of all this. I keep thinking what the hell have I done to deserve this. I have always been caring to everyone I know and have been there 100% for my husband. Through it all, I thought we had what it took for us to grow old together. Our future looked so good and now it’s nothing. I didn’t want to end up being all bitter and twisted which is why I’ve tried my hardest to still show concern and care towards him. I think most people think I’m crazy but I don’t know how else to be. I’m not a nasty person. I feel very hurt and I never thought anything could make me feel like this. I haven’t lost many people in my life. When my grandfather passed away I was so upset and it took me ages to stop grieving. This feels so much worse. Xx
Well darling divorce is like a death so mourn it will help you in the long term.xxxxx
Hi Sylvi.... I just wish the hurting would stop. I literally feel like it’s killing me from within. He was my absolute world and I thought the world of him. He was kind, loving and caring right up to the point of telling me about the affair. He did have moods but they were few and far between. I can’t believe that 28 years has amounted to this. I feel like he treats me like a stranger and there is no compassion anymore. I don’t expect him to still be in love with me at all, but showing care and consideration doesn’t seem too much to ask for. Xxx
Is your ex with someone younger? (you commented on her "children"). If so, he jumped ship and traded with a younger "partner". I wouldn't say this happens "often" but when it happens, it makes you wonder how long he was like this. You could normally tell when a couple "drifted apart". Maybe, when you were younger, it suited him, and maybe, that's what he's looking for. It could just be a phase when they're "in love" stage, which never lasts.
Hello... no, the woman he is with is the same age as me and other people have commented saying she looks 10 years older than her actual age! I know they worked closely together as their work was linked but never thought my husband could be as callous and as two faced as to do something like this to me. I was there for him through hassles with his mum years ago and always encouraged him when it came to his career. I don’t think I could have done anymore. I just wish this nightmare and feeling of such hurt stopped... xx
Sounds like a mid life crisis to me. My father did the same to my mother who also had RA and she found life very hard. She never got over it. You have to move on. I know that it is hard but you must. Please think of the good things and try to get out and make new friends.
Myself I have been in worse situations I had to hand back my wedding presents as my soul mate was killed a week before our wedding and I have a seven year old daughter staying with friends the other side of the country who would be devastated to see me like this. I took my first 6 methotrexate tonight so now I am on a cocktail mixed with steroids.! At least the raging toothache has gone.
Hello....I can’t begin to imagine what that must have been like for you. That’s devastating. I’m so sorry to hear that.
I know all over the world far worse things are happening. I just feel stuck inside my own head with all these thoughts. Before I suffered from depression, I was able to see things far more clearly. I am taking medication for it though to see if it’ll help. Each day goes by and I wonder whether I will turn a corner. I suppose it’ll happen at some point and I won’t recognise it!
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I hope the meds will help you. 🙏
I am always here if you wish to chat in private day or night. Last night was my second night of peaceful sleep in ages. According to my Fitbit it is the the second time this year. Not sure on my side if there was any depression before RA although there must have been.
mine was physical pain because of RA that had not yet been diagnosed and I nearly shot myself over it. I actually sat in my garden in Cape Town while it was raining and thought why not. Had arranged everything, I shipped my daughter off to friends in the UK sorted my life out very quickly.
Even had the gun loaded and playing chicken with it. I altered the firing pin on one to look look like an accident so that friends would not blame themselves, used to go to the range most days and fire off 100 or more rounds, funny how friends all withdrew as they did not know how or bother to cope with where I was at and put it down to depression not physical pain.
But I came through as only I could make the change. Too proud to ask my GP to ask for help. I even changed countries. Settled I back into the UK. Registered at local doctors and then the bloods and physical signs came in. Confirmed it was RA
Have put my dream home on the market after only purchasing it in March this year as planning will not let me alter it for my needs as struggling to get into the bathroom and upstairs. Some days I sleep in my barn as it is on one level but will plod on.
Take the negativity out of your life !
If there is anything making you unhappy, change it if you can.
Xxx
I am not a religious person but if you believe. God does not throw things at you that you cannot handle. He has a strange sense of humour sometimes
Hi, I know it’s probably hard for you to visualise at the moment, but there is life after divorce. I can honestly say I love being single again - there’s no-one to have to think about if you are having a poop day, I go places on my own, do things on my own, have a great circle of friends and a good social life. When my marriage ended I never thought I’d feel happy again, but I am truly happy. It will happen for you too. Try not to focus on what you have lost, there is still so much to live for. Sending you a big hug - hang on in there and be kind to yourself xx
Hello....I’ve been with my husband since I was 14, so don’t have any friends as we kind of just had each other. In hindsight, it’s not a good idea not to have friends, but it never crossed my mind at the time. I have never really enjoyed my own company. It’s going to be a massive change of lifestyle for me. I’m having to put personal care in place too as I have severe restrictions. It all feels like everything has turned upside down. The emotional and physical pain is getting me down and I just hope I can get through this and come out the other side - happier and healthier xxx
Stop being so civilized and have a good tantrum. Destroy an item he is attached to, like golf clubs , musical items ?
It is best to act out rather than internalize this trauma. Focus on his failings and shortcomings. Take time to grieve the loss of the partner you thought you had then thank the universe for cutting him out of your life. I promise when you heal their will be time for a new relationship. Do not rush into a new relationship until you have time to recover. I am so very very sorry he did this to you but karma is his not yours. Life has a way of coming back at you. Thank the powers that be for freeing you. Now your only focus is you. Yahoo! I have no doubt most of your time was spent meeting his needs. He is clearly narcissistic . Be good to yourself. Take a spa days, manicure, hair and a little retail therapy. Once that is done , start itemizing all the things you love about your new found freedom. You have not had a life if you have been together since you were 14. I am sure it must be terrifying to face life from an entirely new perspective. Join support groups in your area to get through the adjustment stages. My mantra has been “this to shall pass”. It helps me get by the rough patches lol but you will find what brings you peace ✌️ a new puppy 🐶 may be a great solution, or cat, bird Ext Someone to love who will love you back unconditionally. Please be very careful. There are so many predators ready to take advantage of your pain and vulnerability. Please reach out anytime. Hang in there and things will settle in time. 🤗 has always been a welcomed sensation I wish I could give you a real one. ❤️
Hi, I understand. I was the same - I had no friends either as my ex hub was all I wanted and all I needed.
But ...... I made myself go to things, meet people. I made a pledge to myself to never turn down an invitation. I went on singles holidays, joined Meetup, joined local clubs, invited people round for a coffee or for dinner etc. Little steps.
It WILL get better xx
Hi. One of the best things to pay back your ex will be for you to get on with your life and be positive. That will take time, but I would suggest would show him how strong and what a lovely person you are........just a thought. Be kind to yourself. X
Hi Ruth.... I am trying my best, but he is so cold towards me. Some days, I find the strength but over the last few days, I am struggling. I keep thinking of Christmas just gone and of when we met as kids. Feels like a dream.... xxx
Such a painful time for you happened to a family member. I thought she had the best husband in the world, we all thought he was the best. With no inclin whatsoever, walked after 30 years. The pain, betrayal, hurt and dishonesty was unbearable. It impacted everyone , infact I was diagnosed with RA 3 months after. The pain, turned to anger which was doing more damage then good. Today she looks absolutely brilliant and happy! Her focus was work and setting up her business. I am so proud of her. The only issue she has now is selling the property as he is refusing to cooperate - so she is somewhat stuck. Her solicitor is a divorce lawyer who said he sees these cases all the time but none so callous as this one. I guess what I am saying is you can get through! Don’t let the negative energy get to you. Put on that suit of armour and look forward to the next chapter of your life and make it a good one. Good trumps evil. Rooting for you!
This may sound strange but you should find a good Tai Chi class. This will help you concentrate on your strengths and inner self it will also be very good for you RA. This is the time to find You and realise how good your life will be when you know who You are. Please feel free to keep in touch you will be surprised how much you can do on your own. LIFE AWAITS YOU. Big Hugs
While this might sound a little harsh, I want to mention that you need to stop expecting him to 1) be glad to see you, 2) pretend that he does not have a new partner, 3) expect his "new" girlfriend to respect you and the time you and he are together, 4) act like your time together has not changed, and 5) to continually reference the "28 years" you were together. It doesn't matter to him if it was 28 years or days. You need to be as disinterested as he is, as cold as he is and move on as soon as you can. I am not telling you not to feel pain, I am suggesting that you no longer show it to him. I would be pretending that I have started to make loads of friends and that you are going places (or at least that they are visiting you, and laughing all the time. You need to stop showing him how much you need him. It strokes his ego... Best luck
The reason your ex seemed insensitive and robotic is that in my opinion most men are guided by what’s in their trouser department! It’s all new and exciting now and they probably can’t get enough of each other- give it a year and he’ll probably realise that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side! Perhaps as he was a carer of sorts for you he leaped at the idea of being free from the humdrum of everyday life , it might all be new and exciting now but once the first flush of romance has passed his new life will be humdrum and he won’t have the memories and easy camaraderie he has with you. The new woman obviously isn’t feeling secure or she wouldn’t have felt the need to ring him when he was with you.....
Hopefully you’ll move on and when he asks to come back ( I’m guessing he will) I hope you will have the strength to tell him where to go!
I hear you freesthomas and am about two months behind you.
I hope you find a path through this situation and come out stronger on the other side.
All we can do is our best in the circumstances.
Good luck
🙏🏻
You have been given some good ideas on here from people who know and have more experience than me. I cant imagine how hard it must be but try and put you first and as others said dont let him see or know how you are inside. Often what comes around goes around. Take care.
Hello sweetheart, we are all with you. Please, please get some good legal advice, so that you do not add financial worries to your other troubles at the moment. Have faith that you can come through this; as others have said, they have found happiness after an experience like yours. Believe that the best is yet to come. Hugs xxxx
Off topic - Volunteer work
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