I find myself suffering periods of extreme anxiety! What is frustrating is trying to isolate the cause.
I have stopped all opiates, Methotrexate, and have not taken Prednisone so not a drug reaction. I am anxious about Rituxan infusion. I agreed to do it but I not sure I should have. But not what I feel is cause.
On a completely different note is social relationships.
My sister decided to call again. Her strategy when upset is to stop talking to you. We did not speak for fifteen years. After I returned to Ontario re mothers dying we reconnected. My father passed within six months and there was conflict with remaining two brothers re parents estate. So I began legal proceedings for her but decided it was not worth the stress and dropped it. She just will not let it go. Now on her 60th her daughter sent her to a psychic. This woman has convinced her she was talking to parents and dead siblings! She had to call and share the details! This was ten years ago so I have no interest in contacting my brothers over what I view as nonsense. I was hoping she would just go away , again but no such luck.
I moved to ensure my child had a chance at a normal life , whatever that means lol
I realize that despite having a very social career I have carefully avoided intimate relationships. The people in my life now know nothing of the chaos which was my life in Ontario. My cousin was murdered , cold case but they suspected my son’s father. My niece was abducted and murdered at age 11. Then a serial killer , who killed nine Canadians, dumps a body behind our house then got stuck. He came to get help and the body was found the next day. He was captured in the US then extradited back to stand trial here twenty years later.
I know, crazy 😜I lived this and cannot begin to explain how complicated life was. Amidst this madness my oldest brothers wife commits suicide and he followed suit two weeks later. I inherited his troubled fifteen year old. It just goes on and on. My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic. So very challenging relationships. My siblings will always believe I abandoned them. I guess I did but for my own survival. I put myself through University and have multiple degrees and solid career (past tense). My saving grace as a child was intellect. My parents resented it as well. It is difficult to explain the dynamic but simply stated I suffer survivor guilt. The easiest way to cope was to put it all behind me. I do not want to constantly rehash the past. Is that wrong? She also refers to our parents as your mother or your father lol She is the eldest but I am elected care taker! She is so like my mother I find it difficult to be around her.
Or so I thought...I am now realizing that I shut everyone out. My husband of fifteen years knows almost nothing about my past. He grew up in a very loving home. I do not share details because he could not relate to it. His first intro was my mother’s death. Wow, talk about overwhelming lol I just do not see the need to focus on ancient history. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish or practicing avoidance ?
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Damaged
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Not selfish at all, you've lived the life of five people, though not even that many will have had such tragedy, even weird experiences all in one life. It's little wonder you chose the username you did, I admit I have thought before what an unusual choice, decided it was the destruction of RD, now I know otherwise. I'm sorry I don't have an answer to your question but I completely understand why you haven't shared all you have with us with your husband. I don't know if you're of the disposition but would therapy be an option? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but, heck, with all the memories, nightmares some, in your head, some really awful ones, plus coping with your sister's selfish way of dealing with things, loading it all on your shoulders it's little wonder you're anxious unable to define which or what is causing it, though not qualified I'd hazard a guess at most of it. How fortunate you are though that your husband didn't come with baggage, or grateful I'm sure.
So, no, I don't think it's particularly likely to be the rituximab infusion, that's small potatoes in comparison to all you've confided in us, unless it's a last straw situation?
Actually the term damaged was in reference to so many anomalies discovered during testing. I have extra nerves in right leg, extra roots in teeth , T Clonal Lymphoma vs 80% being B clonal.... I was being glib.
The more positive side of earlier experiences is an incredible ability to adjust. I literally have had to start over several times. I feel I have lived four separate lives. I have lived in five different cities. I moved across country with a fifteen year old. It is just that I am getting older and I am not so sure I have the strength , drive or desire to start over. So guess I will keep stumbling until the path forward reveals itself. Interesting correlation between PTSD and RA
I am empathy and sympathy for all of the difficult twists and turns that you have encountered and endured. I definitely are a survivor and warriors. Like I said often to my sons we are always there for others regardless of the way they make us feel. We must learn when to protect ourselves as well. Protect yourself. It seems that you have given much, suffered more, and are still here, and a little bruised and worn. But you are HERE! Do what you need and must do to make your Damage your Domination,(and New Found Strength). You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you are doing well, pain free, happy and prosperous in this brand New Year.
My life can Best be described as a series of unfortunate events or a continuous struggle for survival lol 😂 I need to believe there is a reason for this latest challenge. Perhaps working 12-14 hrs a day was not the best strategy. Now I am on disability but unlike the first 18mths I am not completely debilitated. I have managed most of the fallout from losing two businesses but it is a process. Now I need to figure out what comes next. Drugs are not working and I am not well enough to work. I am struggling with wether I go back to academic s or get involved in health care reform ?? Part of me is beginning t prefer isolation. It is just so much easier. I am tired of my public face. I want to be able to accept a hug without freezing.
You are not Damaged, you are a Survivor. You left your crazy Ontario family and you moved to BC....and now your crazy family is in contact again....thus anxiety.
I assume the serial killer is the pig farmer. My heart skips a beat whenever I had to drive near that land of atrocities. I couldn't imagine how awful it would be to live near, or have to drive by there on a daily basis.
You are not insane, you just need to speak with a psychologist who specializes in trauma. Best of luck to you.
At least you now seem to understand you do need some help....that could be your first step to combat the isolation you are feeling.
Do you feel able to confide in your doctor that you are feeling such pressure you would feel you need to speak to a social therapist who could help you with the anxiety?
Please look after yourself, & try to seek some support.
I decided to call our EAP program. I do not want on going or regular contact but do appreciate being able to talk things out at times like this. It was very helpful to get out of my head. So deep breath and tackle one issue at a time lol I am a control freak who realized control is an illusion. I need to learn how to relax. Let the people around me deal with their own issues. I just need to decide what I want.
Yes, contact them for help. You lived through alot of trauma and you need to "unload" your issuses & sort it out & learn to live without the "bagage". I wish you the best,
I must not have expressed myself well. I have always managed past trauma by avoiding it and moving across country. It allowed me enough distance from my family to move past it into the future. I have managed very well. I have three grown children 39,26,22 who are all well educated, well adjusted and very very loved. My husband and children live in a happy loving and supportive environment. My anxiety is renewing relationships with my sister as she is unable or unwilling to let anything go. I understand that despite a similar experience of childhood it is all in how we internalize and cope with that environment which determines the outcome.
I was the caretaker. I saw it as my job to protect my eldest sister and younger brother who were ill. A direct
consequence of that I became a fighter. I also had the benefit of being a gifted student. It provided a source of positive reinforcement that was not available at home.
I have suffered survivor guilt my whole life. I moved to ensure my son would be raised in a loving positive home. I do not regret that. I am also done with my siblings. I was not the one who hurt them why do I still feel I need to fix it ?
I was so proud of my son for looking at a condo to buy in Surrey. When I went to see the condo, I just froze & didn't want to go any where near the building. I felt sick to my stomach because it was in the building known as the Surrey Six. Needless to say he never made an offer.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think "Anxiety" is our body's way to try to force our brain to "deal" with the issues of our past.
I can only address one of the items, the Rituxan. I was given infusions for 4 weeks as treatment for nonhodgkins lymphoma not RA. I had no side effects other than good, increased energy and less pain.
You don't need added anxiety. Maybe a suggestion to them ALL that LATER you can revisit whatever needs to be revisited but any drama now would delay your healing. Take care....
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