Ok i am in a complete nightmare and i hate my life right now and i just need to vent and get some support from you guys....
As most of you know i am due to have some major foot and ankle surgery this March. This in itself is bad enough as even if it goes well (touch wood, don't walk under ladders, cross fingers etc...) which it will of course, i will still be looking at 6 months before i get my life back on track, which i will of course (except with new better feet).
As most of you i am sure will agree one of the worst things about this illness is that we can rarely plan and regularily have to let people down at the last moment and cancel plans....
Andy (my handsome and wondeful new husband) came up with the idea that we should go on our belated honeymoon (we couldn't afford it then) before my operations begin so that we can have a great time and I can hold some wonderful memories during the hard times of the op... such a thoughtful and beautiful idea - truely romantic (one of those reasons i married him ;-).... The departure date (to Marbella) is fast approaching (fri 27th... this friday!!!!!!). All very exciting and up until last Thursday i couldn't wait...........
On Friday morning i got up at 7am (having been up with terrible back pain most of the night) and felt crap.... i made a emergency appointment with the GP and went 2 hrs later... seems i had a urine infection, not nice, felt so bad and poorly, he put me on anti b's, over the weekend i slowly began to pick up ;-), on sat night i thought to myself "it's ok you can still go", I woke up on sunday at 8am unable to raise myself out of bed, my whole body had gone into flare, couldn't turn my head, could bearly walk, could barely get my hand to my mouth to take my tablets!... freak out..... with a combo of morphine lozenges, a lot of love, and rest after rest after rest, i woke up yesterday afternoon and for the first time since Thursday evening thought "ok i could still be well enough, i might even get my Enbrel in my on thurday as my infection seems to have subsided and my joints sooo need it and my flare is slowly recovering on a hourly basis", i even re-began practicing my spanish!!! Honeymoon nearly saved????... ok woke up this morning again feeling slightly less painful and no hurting kidneys;-), by 10 am i began sniffing, by 2pm i began loosing hope, now (6pm) i feel as though i am st the beginging of a COLD!!!!!, whilst i know a cold isn't the end of the world, it is all the things that go with it, and indeed the worry of whether to inject enbrel or not on thursday, bad joints etc..... and now it feels as though my honeymoon, my husbands happyness, the hope i could carry throughout my surgery and in fact EVERYTHING is all sliping away from me...... I hate myself and i am sure that someone out there (or up there must hate me too... why? why? why all of this?? why can't my life be better? why do i either have to cancel things or do them with such difficulty? why can't anything ever just not be hard work with me?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Ok vent over.. sorry, it's just i know you all are the only ones who will understand...
Ella x