Hi All hope you are all well as can be expected, I had my BP took on Friday its still high 160/95 and was told by the nurse i have to go for an ECG due to high cholestral and High BP i they need to check my heart now, i updated her on meds taking now Enbrell and she hadnt heard of it , i was shocked sne had never heard of it being a nurse and dealing with all tyoes of patrients, well she has now , She asked me if i still smoked , i said no i stopped 9 weeks ago and i dont use patches anymore . She said good because of your cholestral and high blood pressure you could have had heart attack if you had continued. So much for cheering me up. Well i left the surgery after she had booked me in for pnuemona jab and sent request for ECG feeling very low and upset i dont know what it is i just feel like i could burst into tears ever since i visited physio.
On my return home my daughter rang me to invite me over, Its half hour drive to her house and even though i didnt feel great I thought i will get out for a bit and perhaps lift my mood and see my daughter and grandchildren which usually does the trick. No i was wrong ! when i got there my daughter asked me how i had got on at the doctors i told her and was a little teary eyed when i did. I explained that i'm feeling down and that since my diagnosis in Sept everything seems to have got worse and i'm fed up of it all, to which she replied oh for god sake mother just suck it up and get on with it loads of people have this stop stressing about it. I was gob smacked to say the least , i never complain to my children i always muddle through, this was the first time i had really said how i felt apart from first diagnosis. I immediately shrugged it off and said oh it dont matter and changed the subject i was so hurt and upset i was really shocked i struggled to fight back the tears . She then said lets go into the living room my one grandson had fallen asleep and my other grandson was half way there. We sat down by my grandson who snuggled up to me telling me how he'd missed me as he was falling asleep. How sweet of my little man he is only 4years old , i cuddled him and wrpped his blanky over him as he dropped off. My daughter then said i'm shattered been burning the candle at both ends for some weeks going out with my friends and had a friend over last night to stay. Her friend had broken up with her boyfriend and needed an ear so she had let her stay but i'm tired now. With that she started to fall asleep, i just felt so hurt and used she had only asked me over to look after my grandchildren while she slept, dont get me wrong i love my grandchildren and love having them but the way she had treated me was so rude.
My dauughter split with her fiance 7 months ago after finding out he'd been cheating on her for 2 years with random women he is a soldier in the army and lied about when he was home so he could go and see other women. I have been there for her from the day she met him and when it all happened me and her father paid to have her move to a new rented house and helped settle her in so she could be by her friends as this is what she wanted and we have still go down to see her and help her when ever needed. Since this split though she has been burning the candle at both ends and her father and i have spoken to her about calming it down a bit . It seems to have gone in one ear and out the other and she has become cold towards us .
I decided to go home i was tired and my knees and wrists were painful i had made the journey there and now i had to struggle on the journey back i was so hurt and angry with her. she just said shut the door on the way out and stop being stroppy i cant help it if i'm tired. I never said a word just shut the door and cried all the way home. How could she be so rude and uncaring.
Am i being over sensitive because i am low?... am i seeing this all wrong?...... What did i do to deserve this and off my own daughter, I cried all evening my hubby is furious, i told him to leave it for a while as it will just cause alot of upset. He said he is so angry how dare she treat you like this after everything you have done for her. I am going to just leave her to it for a while as i am very hurt and upset at present and may say something i will regret.
I have got up this morning still feeling upset and crying and wondering where did it all go wrong ?....
Sorry to have gone on just needed to share and get it off my chest .
Hope you all have a lovely day i'm hoping the sun will come out today i always feel it makes you feel better and things look brighter.
Oh Lena, I am broken hearted reading your blog. Just want to give you a huge hug & make you a cuppa. I'm so glad you have written it all down & let it all out.
I don't think you are being over sensitive at all. You are going through an awful lot & were looking for support from your family which is completely normal. I'm so sorry you were treated so badly & feel so hurt. Try to think of your gorgeous little grandsons cuddles, he clearly loves & adores you. Sounds like you have a very supportive husband too.
I hope the sun shines for you & you feel a little better.
Thank you for your kindness in your response pennylane, i just feel so awful and upset I have had a really bad night mixture of not sleeping and pain and upset. I have always supported my children just feel so abandoned by her. My grandsons are so loving i love them so much. It hurts to think i wont see them now for a while as she has stopped visiting as much since she moved . I miss them alot too. My hubby has been very caring through all of this and he is extremely annoyed with her, hence why i didnt want to say too much to him about how i'm feeling as he may say something he too regrets to her. I know she has been through a rough time and it will take her time to adjust but i'm always there for her no mattter whats happening with me. I have 2 sons also who are very caring even though i never complain to them about my illness they seem to know when i'm not myself and always give their support and dread to think what they would say to her if they knew. Thats why i thought of sharing , you are all such good friends, understanding and supportive . i think i'm still in shock of her attitude.
I hope it stays sunny today it is shinning at the moment., so really need the sun today. Thankyou for offering to make a cup of tea for me with a huge hug , ive just made a cup but will drink it and think of you and your kind words. Hope you are well today and not in too much pain, have a lovely day .
Morning Lena....im sorry to hear how upset you are, its awful to think that our own flesh and blood can reduce us to tears like that especially the girls, we bring them up with love and compassion and wham they hurt us, i speak from experience you see......please dont dwell on it and let it ruin yr weekend/ or life in general......you have wonderful grandsons to keep you positive....perhaps your daughter doesnt understand our illness as much as she could, and with a little more info she may be more understanding.... As pennylane said its good to write it down and have a blast, and from the little time ive been on here, they all seem like a lovely supportive bunch.....chin up love, hope you feel better today...lisa x x x
Thankyou lisa for your support and kind words.... yes it is hard when your own flesh and blood turn on you god knows we have it hard with people we dont know let alone our own family. Yes my grandsons are the apple of my eye and i love them dearly. yes i do feel like a weight has come off my mind since blogging what happened, but the support on the site is a tremendous help and wouldnt be with out it. I am going to try and not think about it have been replying to other peoples bloggs on the site, catching up on what i've missed hopefully take my mind off it and give support to others.
have a lovely day Lisa, hope you are well and not in too much pain . hugs lena xxx
I think part of the problem is that I have listened and supported her with all of her (and there have been MANY) problems all of her life and haven't shared mine. Well, after all, I AM the parent. In fact I was only diagnosed a few days ago with RA and haven't come to terms with it myself yet much less tell her
My friends have said over the years that its one thing being selfless and quite another being a martyr.
I think the point I'm trying to make is that we teach our children how to treat us, if we support them selflessly and don't make them aware of our feelings human nature dictates, it seems, that they take us for granted at times. It's all about them is how it feels to me sometimes,
I don't have grandchildren but I imagined that would make a difference when she realized what being a mum is about....not so from your experience it appears, and since my 'child' is 32 now and tells me that she won't have children I may never get to find out for sure.
I learned over the years to not have expectations of her, or anyone else, because its the expectations that lead to the hurt and disappointment. I have never wanted anything that isn't given freely.
I'm so sorry that you feel so hurt, I do know the feeling, especially the one about saying nothing to her and keeping the pain to yourself. Last time that happened to me for the first time ever I wrote it all down in a letter and sent it to my daughter, needless to say she was shocked as she had no idea how I felt, it changed things.......for about 2 weeks! LOL.
As for being over sensitive, only you will know that when you feel better and less upset. Of course you are tearful and low, chronic pain does that to you, but it WILL change, everything changes.
I don't know if any of this will help, I hope you feel better soon xxx
Thankyou moifoi for your kind words of support. and welcome to the site so sorry you have had to read my blogg moaning on. Its not always like this there are fun times on here as well and some lovely people kind and supportive for what ever you want to blogg. I'm so sorry you have been through the same experience its so hurtful. My daughter is not always like this but has said some hurtful things in the past . I agree maybe i should not sit unheard and should say how i'm feeling more often maybe she will have a better understanding of what i am going through. Maybe as Lisa said she doesnt fully understand what is happening to me and is maybe frightened of what she sees happening to me makes her behave like this. i think for now i am going to just relax today and not dwell on it and leave my daughter to her own devices for a while as you said she may realise when i'm not around what she has done and apologise for her behaviour.
I was diagnosed in Sept last year and still have my unbelieving days it does lessen with time, and it takes time to find the drug to suit unless your one of the lucky ones who find a drug to suit straight away. keep in touch let us know how you are getting on.You'll have lots of support and laughs on here. lovely to hear from you have a lovely day hugs lena xxx
Hi Lena, I'm sorry to hear your so upset & can understand why you are. I don't think you are alone, my adult children see me as strong brave indepentant reliable & able to shoulder all their problems. They know I've had loads of tests & trips to the hospital over the last yr & not one of them has asked me why. I think they can't bear the thought of me being ill, they've lost two very close members of our family in a very short time. I don't know maybe your daughter is finding life tough at the moment & can't handle any more problems, not an excuse I know, maybe let the dust settle n then try & talk to her. Love the thought of your grandson cuddling up to you,hold that feeling & dont let things sour between you & your daughter. Take care x
hi caza, thank you for your kind support , yes i think that could also be part of the problem i was a strong supportive active women before RA i know i do and i think maybe all my children are struggling with seeing me like this.. I wont let it sour between us though, i do think i should leave her for a bit to let her realise what she is doing. We are a very close family so something like this is out of character and she has had a tough time of it of late, but it is still no excuse to hurt others. Yes my grandson is a treasure whom i love very much. have a lovely day lena xxxx
lol good for you moifoi. Let me know how it goes . Maybe we should say no a bit more often to our children then they wont just take it for granted we will always be there because we wont be one day and thats a fact of life. hugs lena xx
Hi Lena, so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I just wanted to agree with Caza about how our children expect us to be the strong ones who are always there for them. My daughter has been ill for the last couple of years and has found my illness really hard to cope with. We have had a few 'moments' but even though there is no excuse for some of her remarks , I now find it easier to cope with now I understand how scared she is. I still tell her how things are with me as i think hiding everything from them doesnt help them to develop as caring people. I know its easy to say but try not to to let it get to you and focus on the lovely support and understanding you have from your husband and this site.
Thank you Tracey i do agree i think we try to shield them from bad news and it doesnt help matters any. I will be more ready in telling them when i am feeling not so good and wont try to hide it no more i thinks. Then maybe they wont expect too much of me and will understand a bit better. I am lucky to have such a supportive husband and sons and two beautiful grandsons . Ive slept for two hours and feel a little better as well as recieving a bouquet of flowers of my hubby to cheer me up. I do feel better for chatting with you all its nice to get everyone elses perception on things and your support . hugs lena xxx
Hi Lena i am so sorry to see how hurt you are. Am sure your not making a fuss about nothing.
I think only family can can do that to you.
When things have calmed down why not sit your daughter down. Take leaflets with you and hold nothing back. explain what RA is and what it will do to people who have it . Hold that thought of your lovely grandsons.
They sound so gorgeous as does your husband. Hope you feel brighter soon hugs to you xx
Hi Miss , Thank you for your kindness everyone has been really supportive of me i really appreciate it. regarding the leaflets, I gave leaflets to her before in December, but she said she had a lot on her mind so maybe i will try this again My hubby and i are going to have a chat with her when things have calmed down, he is furious at the moment with her. My grandsons do keep me going they are so beautiful i will have to find a pic out of them to show you all. I couldnt ask for a better hubby he never complains and sometimes he is so tired after work but he always says no im only tired i have no pain and i am fit i have nothing to complain about. hes so good.But i'm sure you all have hubbys like this at home . so i applaud our hubbys for looking after us. feeling a little better after a 2 hour sleep tho. hugs lena xxx
I'm sending lots of hugs and kisses, i'm so sorry for what happened, it must of really upset you, Maybe just give it a bit of time and then have a good chat with her, She might not of relies how much she hurt you, And it is hard for people and family to understand what we are going thou, I really hope you sort things out soon xxx
Hi Shirlthegirl, thank you hun, i too hope she realises i am feeling a little better now i have had 2 hours sleep and a surprise bouquet of flowers off my hubby to cheer me up. My pain is subsiding a little too as took some more pain killers. My sons are lovely very understanding and supportive hearts of gold,but so is my daughter usually i think thats why it really hurt. My hubby has said he wants to have a chat with them all as i am due into hospital for op on my parathyroids soon and he feels they need to know fully whats going on with my RA and the op.Maybe this will help. Hope you are feeling better i know you were fighting to get better treatment for your RA how have you got on shirl? Hope you are okay let me know hugs Lena xxxx
hi scouser, i would love to do this but i am not that way inclined unfortunately i always give my help to anyone in need willingly, too much of a soft touch probably and love to have my grandsons whenever i can. They make me so happy and always lift my spirits with their beautiful smiles. Maybe i could say no to other things she asks of me that might make her realise. Thank you so much for your kind supportive reply. I am feeling a little better this afternoon had a long sleep and woke to a lovely bouquet of flowers courtesey of my hubby to cheer me up, which made me cry again . Oh dear i am such a sap some times. hugs lena xxx
sorry to hear about your daughter mine are very supportive and always willing to help. I have always been there for them also.My sons are the same, they understand about the pain etc, and will come as soon as i let them know i need help. I dont ask them unless its really needed.I have several grand children and they are grand, i love them all. They come round or ring up regular.I'm going now as hands are seizing up typing this.
hope you feel better in your self soon lots of hugs.
Hi chris thanks for your support , i dont understand whats wrong with her she s not like this normally. She has changed since she moved, But i will sort it out when things have calmed down. i am feeling a little bettter now. hugs lena xxx
There could be something she is not telling you and that is why she is being like this. Give her a short time and then ask her what is bothering her. It might be nothing but you never know.
Hi, gosh your blog really touched me. It's awful as a mum of older kids, they say some awful things. You think I always back them up, help them, give them cash when they need then they don't bother until the next time!! We always go away lick our wounds and go back for more, don't we.
So as I am like you and just go away and cry I would be wrong to say tell her to sort herself out cos I always back out ! But I know that is wrong of me to let them treat me like it.
I am a person too like you. We have problems with our health, they should support us when We need, not just when they need.
However it does sound that she should have put her own problems to the Side for once
When you needed her. This might be the time to clear the air when u feel up to it and ask her to be more understanding and find out what's happened since she moved, she might not tell you but at least you seem aware that something has changed.
Interestingly if you read the research there is quite a link with heart disease and RA although of course it doesn't always follow. I got high bp, irregular pulse etc, and got pills and sorted out quickly so don't worry. And see how good it was you stopped that smoking lol !!
Hope you feel better now with your lovely hubby and flowers. Thinking of you xxxx
hi Allanah , hope you are well my funny friend, yes i agree we always go back for more but thats what parents do we give unconditional love. Shame our kids dont . I will sort it out with her when things have calmed down, i'm not angry any more just upset the way she treated me . If she wants to tell me whats wrong she will but i cant force it out of her . I thought she may have phoned or txt me today but nothing. I know it will get sorted out .
As for heart disease and RA i know it is connected i read up about it when i was first diagnosed so yes i am glad i gave up smoking, 9 weeks now and still going strong, feel better for it hun. I just hope all is well i have to wait for the appointment to come through for the ECG i'm sure it cant be serious as she would have sent me straight away.
I must say after all the support hugs and love sent you have all made me feel a lot better and able to put things in better perspective. What would we do with out our site. Thanks again allanah hope you are well alllanah and not in to much pain and thank you for your kind support hun. lena xxxx
thank you scouser i am just having a few bad days at mo and was feeling low anyway so all this with my daughter just hasnt helped. I think you are right a good nights sleep will do it as i didnt sleep well last night at all and to top it all my joints in my hands and knees and elbows are very stiff and swollen this evening but this is probably down to upset and stress as this all effects RA i know. I will be happier tomorrow i promise. xxxx
Oh Lena,you didn't deserve that. When you have calmed down a bit sit and write a letter to her explaining exactly what is wrong with you and that you needed something from her once,her emotional support for a change. Tell her how hurt you were by her attitude and that though you love her you don't like her at the moment. Don't criticise her or say what you have done for her,i think she will realise that in time. Also if you can get some leaflets about your condition for her to read. Just to add to that,let her know why your going for an ecg and just to shock her a little bit tell her that you might have a heart attack and that is why you have to go for the ecg.
I wish i was closer as i would have listened and given you a cuddle. Love sylvia.xxx
thank you so much sylvi you are so kind and supportive, i was so hurt by what she said ans felt she had abandoned me, i have heard from my daughter today and it turns out she is confused about my illness and scared she will loose her mom, i am going down on tuesday evening as she wants to prepare a meal for myself and her dad as way of an apology and to chat about her fears, she also is struggling dealing with her split from her fiance 7 months ago . She has apologised and was very upset when i told her how upset she made me. I have sorted some leaflets out for her to read and will explain all about this rotten disease. i will explain about the ECG, i have an op looming in june for an odeoma they found on the right side of my parathyroids it not malignant thank god and need to explain this too, then maybe with all this knowledge she will be more understanding of my illness and it will stop her worrying. So glad that she rang me we have always been close i just didnt know what i had done wrong. I am a lot happier today but in a lot of pain down my right side at present, probably the upset not helping as i was really upset and couldnt stop crying. I wish you were closer hun it would have been good to meet maybe next time we are in stratford we often visit again in the summer months, we could meet and have a cuppa and maybe a cheeky slice of cake and a lovely long chat . hope your getting some pain relief sylvi make sure you rest up hun after all your walking the weekend you need your rest. big soft hugs to you sylvi hope we can meet soon . xxxxlena
Lena, tell her your still her mum,but the disease is just a by product of being you. Next time you go to the rheumy take her with you so she can see first hand what is happening to you. My grace has been with me a time or two.
Next time your in stratford let me know and we will see what we can do about meeting.Hugs to you my friend.xx
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Negative test results but very positive 
I'm starting to feel very blessed but is this premature..?
A low feeling
Can't help feeling this is very bad news for the NHS...
