Well, im 30 today, and I betyou can guess what my birthday present is. I've tried to quit so many times before but I always come back for just one more fag.
I hate it, I hate the smell and the looks and the shame. The shame is the worst bit, I smoke about 5 a day but hardly anyone knows. Those that do dont ever comment on it, they just look at me with disgust.
I have everything, money house car and health but this weed has me. This dirty disgusting ****ing drug consumes me. I quit for a week, then I have one almost to celebrate how brilliant I am for doing a week.
Always have an excuse - I think im smarter than the other smokers because I only smoke 5. Then when nobody is around I smoke 10.
I hate myself because of it. Its strange because when I am free of the filthy cigs I have amazing days, I get up earlier I eat healthier I go to the gym and I am really nice to oeople. I feel like when ive had a smoke im a different person and I become more reclusive and hide away. Im so emarassed about people finding out that I rush to get a shower before ill talk.
I sometimes have up to 5 showers a day. I am a total fool.
Have watched Alan Carrs video and ive read loads online. He said something that sticks with me so much "those that find it easy to quit find it easy to come back". Im a fool because that is ME.
My girlfriend is taking me out for a meal and I have pulled in to a service station to write this. I have bought fags and deodorant and I will continue to hide from her.
This is it now, im pleading for support. Im begging to talk to someone so they know how much of a total loser I am in private. It destroys my confidence and rips away my self respect.
Alan carr cant help me anymore because I have read his material to the point where I can memorise it all.
I Cant talk to friends and family because they don't know the secret.
Im sorry that this seems so dramatic to those of you that have been here before. Ive never unloaded before and it is depressing reading it back.
I want to win this time, I really want to.
I was with a smoker the other day who wanted to quit and I found myself patronising him! This is what you might try... have you thought of this... what an idiot and a hypocrite I am.
every form in the doctors I say that im a non smoker. I had a heart problem last year and even though it might be related I lied to the doctors.
I am about to smoke my very last cig. I wont enjoy it just like I didnt enjoy the thousands that went before it. It will be my last.
im sorry for this horribly edited, horrible negative tone. I will be back with a smile in less than 24 hours.
Mr 5a day