Quitting for the last time :(

Hi everyone,

Well, im 30 today, and I betyou can guess what my birthday present is. I've tried to quit so many times before but I always come back for just one more fag.

I hate it, I hate the smell and the looks and the shame. The shame is the worst bit, I smoke about 5 a day but hardly anyone knows. Those that do dont ever comment on it, they just look at me with disgust.

I have everything, money house car and health but this weed has me. This dirty disgusting ****ing drug consumes me. I quit for a week, then I have one almost to celebrate how brilliant I am for doing a week.

Always have an excuse - I think im smarter than the other smokers because I only smoke 5. Then when nobody is around I smoke 10.

I hate myself because of it. Its strange because when I am free of the filthy cigs I have amazing days, I get up earlier I eat healthier I go to the gym and I am really nice to oeople. I feel like when ive had a smoke im a different person and I become more reclusive and hide away. Im so emarassed about people finding out that I rush to get a shower before ill talk.

I sometimes have up to 5 showers a day. I am a total fool.

Have watched Alan Carrs video and ive read loads online. He said something that sticks with me so much "those that find it easy to quit find it easy to come back". Im a fool because that is ME.

My girlfriend is taking me out for a meal and I have pulled in to a service station to write this. I have bought fags and deodorant and I will continue to hide from her.

This is it now, im pleading for support. Im begging to talk to someone so they know how much of a total loser I am in private. It destroys my confidence and rips away my self respect.

Alan carr cant help me anymore because I have read his material to the point where I can memorise it all.

I Cant talk to friends and family because they don't know the secret.

Im sorry that this seems so dramatic to those of you that have been here before. Ive never unloaded before and it is depressing reading it back.

I want to win this time, I really want to.

I was with a smoker the other day who wanted to quit and I found myself patronising him! This is what you might try... have you thought of this... what an idiot and a hypocrite I am.

every form in the doctors I say that im a non smoker. I had a heart problem last year and even though it might be related I lied to the doctors.

The shame :(

I am about to smoke my very last cig. I wont enjoy it just like I didnt enjoy the thousands that went before it. It will be my last.

im sorry for this horribly edited, horrible negative tone. I will be back with a smile in less than 24 hours.


Mr 5a day

46 Replies

  • Whitsand, I'm with Buttercup- you're being way too hard on yourself. And Max is right too- you couldn't have made a better decision than to join the forum. We're all in the same boat and we help each other. You'll get tons of advice, moral support and motivation here :)

    You've taken the first step (hopefully you've smoked that last fag now) and all you have to do now is take the second step, then the third, then the fourth. You want to beat this and if you want it badly enough you will do it- I promise :D

    I know no-one knows you're a secret smoker, but if you can sneak out to a local stop smoking service it might be worth doing. I can certainly vouch for the one I've been using. You may be able to do this cold turkey but you might also find some nicotine replacement therapy (discreet patches, lozenges, strips, etc) helpful especially as you have a habit of relapsing.

    Anyway, onwards and upwards say I, and lovely to meet you! :)

  • The shame :(

    Mate! Well done.

    No shame in smoking, or giving up.

    Sounds to me like your guilt lies in...well...lying to your nearest and dearest.

    Don't beat yourself up about it, my missus has never told her family she enjoys the odd crafty smoke. And really, what business is it of theirs anyway.

    Just get on with the business of giving up, and no-one needs to know either way, hey?

    Cheers, Steve

  • Well I'm afraid I'm stuck in this thread for another day.

    I just wasn't prepared mentally for it and when the cravings came today I didn't know what to do.

    I get cravings mainly in the morning first thing and in the evenings around 1-pm. I used to go out on walks for a few hours just to get a fag in.

    This feels really different now. I'm talking to you guys about it.

    It feels good to know that I will have hell week then heck week. I can do 2 weeks - I know I can. I won't leave this forum until I'm done.

    My plan is:

    No replacement therapy as I know I can get through the first cravings. I'm going to treat myself to a Latte in the morning and a bag of sweets in the evening, as these are the times that I normally smoke.

    These are big treats because I'm currently on a crazy fitness regime that doesn't allow any deviation. I haven't had a Latte in 2 weeks, so if I get through to tomorrow morning I've done really well and I'll deserve the treat.

    Same goes for the sweets.

    I won't have any of these in the house so for both I'll have to go out to get them - which gives me time to get my head in gear and DELAY DELAY DELAY!

    The post I wrote yesterday really summed up what I was feeling, but I didn't have a concrete plan. Now I do - I'm going to treat myself and reward myself.

    I'm setting a goal of 2 weeks with daily treats. I'm going to be back every day to post and update, and hopefully inspire other secret smokers like me.

    After 2 weeks I hope the cravings will die down, but I'm not looking forward to there, I've got 14 days to survive and thrive in.

    It's all positive from here on in.

    Going for the last one now. Taking a water with me going to destroy the last few....

    Before I do I want to say thank you for replying to my message to the 5 amazing people that did. I feel accountable to someone for the first time ever. I don't want to let you down, and I don't want to let anyone else who is reading this down. I'm doing it for everyone in my position. I CAN DO THIS.

    Ok let's finish this.

    Last cig smoked at 14:01 Wednesday 15th January 2014

  • Ok let's finish this.

    Last cig smoked at 14:01 Wednesday 15th January 2014

    That's the spirit! We're here if you need us :)


  • I couldn't have got through the first few weeks without treating myself. Great move coming on here, it really does help, and really, don't beat yourself up, just imagine how many smokers out there that would love to be in your place, you CAN do this!

    This is where my imaginary line of dancing smilies is as I ain't got any to put on, sorry :o

  • This is where my imaginary line of dancing smilies is as I ain't got any to put on, sorry :o

    Here you go...


  • Nice dancers :D

    And fair play to you Whitsands- sounds like you've got yourself a really good plan there. I shall look forward to hearing how your journey is going. :)

  • Nice plan Whit, the effort will be well worth it :)

  • Whitsand,

    Well where to start?

    I've been free for just over a year, and I certainly recognise the desperation in your first post - I felt it too; before I finally stopped I was a hopeless serial quitter, desperate to stop but always happy to have 'just one last cigarette before the BIG QUIT tomorrow'. By the next day, great intentions were totally blown into the weeds by an overwhelming craving for the next fix.

    The best advice I can give is that, for me at least, the key to success was all about mindset. Every quit is different, but to me it seems there are two fundamentally different camps - firstly, those trying to quit tobacco; and secondly, those trying to quit nicotine. To me this is a fundamental difference and is driven by motivation - if your prime motivation is health fears but you still [believe you] 'enjoy' smoking tobacco, then this is completely different to someone who knows they don't enjoy smoking but recognises they are a slave to drug addiction.

    I was under no illusion that I fell into the latter camp - I was sick and tired of slavery to a drug. Health concerns were not a motivator for me - I thought I felt fine physically (though once I had successfully stopped I experienced enormous health benefits and realised this was complete self-delusion, but nevertheless, it was not a motivator during the initial quitting stages).

    For this reason, I never entertained the idea of NRT - this, to me is slavery to the same drug but via a different delivery mechanism. Rather like an alcoholic who tries to give up drinking whisky by switching to gin instead, the whole concept of NRT seemed ludicrous and just never did it for me (though I respect the fact that it does it for others - as I said, every quit is different).

    From what you've said I guess you too are in the latter camp and you feel the same way about NRT.

    Break free from the drug however, and the tobacco problem just takes care of itself.

    Plenty of us on the forum have quit using Champix and if you're not familiar with how this drug works then I encourage you to do a little reading. For myself, Max, and Kat, and countless others, this tipped the balance in our favour, though it can have pretty nasty side effects. If you don't feel able to discuss this with your doctor (and I guess from your post this may be an issue) then do what I did and buy it online. This really does deal with the physical crave issue whilst allowing you to break free from nicotine dependency. Feeling strong and on top of your addiction gives you massive confidence early on and you come to adopt the belief that failure is just not an option - the pieces of the jigsaw suddenly fall into place and the whole process becomes easy very early on.

    I wish you every success!

  • Hi there :)

    Firstly your second post sounds ALOT more positive than the initial post, that in itself is a positive and a big step in your quit journey.

    As others have said you have been hard on yourself if we could all go back to the the day we had our first puff knowing what we know now I reckon everyone on this forum would choose not to smoke, but we all did and we became addicts that's the only word for it and in making the decision to quit you have done a wonderful thing for your nearest and dearest but more importantly for YOU.

    Definitely treat yourself when u get through these milestones because you deserve it, and with the positive attitude you displayed in your second post you WILL succeed, I wish you the very best of luck and look forward to going forward on this journey with you xx

  • YES!

    One day down!

    Ok, I want to thank you all for your support so far. DonnaJ, Jenny, Isolde, Skiddaw, ButtercupSyrup, Steve, Doofus - and aneggisanegg - you hit the nail on the head in every paragraph.

    I'm not too sure about Champix because I feel that it's a mental battle rather than physical. So far there have been no withdrawal impacts (and I guess they are only ever slight compared with the agony that you guys have been through) - but I know that the treat in the morning REALLY got me through it because I woke up and today was one of those days that I'd get in my car and drive to the services to park behind a lorry and smoke away knowing that nobody could ever see me.

    Today I got a latte and really enjoyed it! (I am on a strict diet so it was the same as a double hot chocolate with marshmellow cream and malteasers dropped on top in terms of lovliness).

    Tonight I will get cravings around 8pm after my evening food and excersise. I've decided that I'll walk up to McDonalds (about 1.5 miles) buy a cup of tea then walk back to Asda and buy a Twirl.

    It sounds so stupid but just the thought of that twirl makes me KNOW that I won't smoke tonight!

    I feel accountable to each and every one of you, it is a great feeling. You are saving my life. I'll be back tomorrow with the words 2 days!

  • Brilliant news! Glad you got through day 1 that's the toughest part of all IMO, your plan doesn't sound stupid at all, whatever works for you is great, and twirls..Mmmm I do love a twirl... Personally, I would have my cup of tea, dip the twirl in and suck the chocolate through the hole.... Trust me it's amaaaazing and much MUCH better than having a fag, it's a whole new level of twirl loveliness :D enjoy, and really well done, fairplay to you x

  • Personally, I would have my cup of tea, dip the twirl in and suck the chocolate through the hole.... Trust me it's amaaaazing and much MUCH better than having a fag

    Mmm, like the sound of that^ Donna :D

    Well done Whitsand, you're sounding very positive and as egg points out, getting your mind in the right place is the key to winning...enjoy :)

  • To Whitsand

    Hi Whitsand.

    I do believe we share the same birthday – 14th Jan! Though you are half my age.

    I started smoking at the age of 14. Over the years I’ve made numerous attempts to stop including – in rough order – cold turkey, reading Allen Carr’s ‘The Easy Way To Stop Smoking’, hypnotism, nicotine patches, nicotine gum, more hypnotism, the Allen Carr clinic (about £200 for the day).

    I have never stopped smoking for more than 4 weeks. I can normally do the first week ok, but I cannot cope with the constant obsessional thinking about smoking and constantly having to tell myself I no longer smoke and all the reasons for it. In simple speak it just ‘does my head in’.

    I came to the conclusion that (a) Oh, well, I’ve probably done the damage now, it’s not worth the effort and misery to stop (b) I nursed my friend – a non smoker – until she died of cancer of the oesophagus and then my husband – a non smoker - 16 months ago until he died of melanoma. (c) My sister, who has never had so much as a drag on ciggie, had a major op last summer for breast cancer. (d) If I die before summer 2016 my kids benefit from an insurance. (e) Everyone has to go sometime. I’ve had a reasonably good life with good health. Hey ho. I am who I am.

    On 30th Dec 2013 I visited the dentist because one of my crowns had dislodged. During the consultation he asked if I was aware of the ‘white spots’ on my gums. I said I had no knowledge of these and that they could have only have appeared since I last visited the dentist approx. 6 months prior. He was eager to assure me there was ‘probably’ no cause for alarm, but that he was going to refer me to a specialist hospital clinic for further investigation.

    The next day I had a call from the hospital to confirm my appointment for 9th Jan 2014.

    Needless to say alarm bells started to ring.

    I was on the internet researching oral cancer. The one cancer I had always dreaded.

    It was nothing short of horrific. Stories of people’s tongues and pallets being cut out. Throats cut apart. Voices lost. Feeding tubes. Months of rehabilitation. Learning to swallow.

    I actually started to plan my funeral.

    Suddenly I realised, I didn’t want to go yet. I wanted to see my current grandkids grow up. I wanted to see my grandkids yet to be born. I wanted to live. And I didn’t want to go through the hideous treatments of oral/throat cancer.

    The appointment went well. The consultant assured me he does not suspect cancer but that he wants to do a biopsy. My appointment is on 21/01/14.

    This was a wake-up call.

    I made an appointment at the stop smoking clinic at my GP on 13/01/14.

    The nurse was lovely but I didn’t believe she could tell me anything I didn’t know about smoking or giving it up. She didn’t judge or lecture. She was an ex smoker, thank god!

    I told her that I’d almost cancelled the appointment because I had ordered yet another supply of ecigs believing this may be the only ‘way out’ I could hope for. She said she hoped to ‘change my thinking’ on that one.

    By the end of the session I had agreed to a course of Champix. She reassured me concerning the many reports of adverse side effects I had read about.

    Now let me tell you I firmly believe to my core that I am the most severely addicted person to smoking that ever walked the earth (although my logical brain knows this cannot be true).

    I deeply believe that ‘other’ people somehow are NOT as addicted as me. After all, smoking is so FIRMLY ingrained into me. I am at this moment sucking desperately on my egig as I write.

    Today I have not smoked a real cigarette. BUT it has not been easy. I have been consumed with thought of a ‘real’ cigarette even though I have had my nicotine enabled ecig with me all day.

    I desperately want to be a non smoker who ‘HATES’ smoking. I wish I had never started.

    I cannot turn back the clock. All I can do is make a concentrated effort rid myself of this affliction – because that is what it is.

    I heartily applaud anyone who has beaten this monster, but at the same time I am so very jealous of their freedom.

    Tomorrow will be day 2 of no ‘real’ cigarettes for me, if I make it.

    Day 3 of Champix.

    I have ordered some ‘nil nicotine’ cartridges for my quit date.

    Whitsand, one thing I have realised is that this monkey on our backs is as strong for all who are desperate to be rid whatever the amount we smoke or for how long.

    Just know that you are not alone. There are other ‘VERY REAL’ people going through the same life challenges right now – this very minute.

    Stay strong brother.

  • Good job:)

    You are not accountable to any of us:)

    Only to yourself:)

    You are saving your life:) that is not our job

    Bring on the next day, week, month 6 months and the you will be allowed in the penthouse. Then you will be very very happy and proud. Do you know what the Penthouse is ? :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: I have heard it is cool:)

    Well said Jenny:D

    It's your quit, it's all about YOU.

    Don't do it for anyone else but yourself.

    The forum is here to help you every step of the way, but never to judge you. We're keen to see you succeed, but if you don't, at the end of the day, the only loser is you. You don't owe it to anyone else other than yourself to see this through.

    You are only accountable to yourself - and this again is part of the whole mindset thing. Hope you're keeping positive for today!

  • Sugarpuff,

    Sorry to hear you've been through such a terrible time in recent years. I can really understand why you saw no point in quitting until now. Your post was inspirational and I'm sure will strike a cord with many. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your quit. I do hope you will become a regular contributor to the forum. :)

  • Thank you

    Thank you Skiddaw.

    I will repost some of that on my own thread as I should not have high-jacked Whitsand's. It was a knee-jerk reaction because he sounded so desperate and I wanted to let him know he's not the only desperado out there!

  • Thanks so much sugar puff for the message. It did strike a chord - the desperation and the way that we think we are smarter - when really what are we? Stupid stupid drug addicts.

    I am now 2.3 days in - the cravings haven't been too bad but I just got off the phone with my gf and despite my best efforts found myself to be angry at her. I obviously can't tell her that I'm a bit tetchy because of smoking though - the poor thing I'll make it up to her!

    I'm still waiting for a big craving - so far I think my mindset is to INDULGE whenever I think of it, so far so good. Might go for some chips and pie now hehe.

    I find myself almost daring to think about enjoying smoking, to see if I can get a craving then beat it, or to test how dedicated I am to this quit. Today I sat an thought 'it would be great to smoke in my car with a coffee this morning before anyone gets up' 'what would it feel like?' 'Does it matter?'

    Crazy thoughts but so far I'm not even close to smoking.

    Thank you all.

  • 3 days down :D

  • Atta boy! Now you go and be nice to that girlfriend :)

  • 3 days down :D

    W00t :D

    Nice one Whitters!

  • 3 days down :D

    Very glad to read this^ Whitsand :D

  • I am finding writing down thoughts and feelings is really helping. Should I move this post somewhere? I'm not on day 1 now and I felt reading the day one stuff when on day one was really helpful.

    I am approaching day 4 now. I'm finding it quite easy going so far - at least because I haven't had any massive desires to smoke.

    I am at the same car park where I wrote my first post - it reminds me of the despair I felt less than a week ago. It's also hit home that my big trigger is when I'm on a long drive somewhere. My secret habit was partly fuelled by the fact that my girlfriend has no sense of smell - so I would often smoke when driving to see her, and always on the way back.

    So stopping here and not smoking today is an achievement. Tomorrow morning when I drive back will be a bugger achievement.

    Today I spent an hour in the gym and thought my chest would explode my heart was beating so fast. I think about smoking at these times - I think that I would feel better and run faster lift more if I never touched a cig.

    It made me think of my first fag. Do you remember yours?

    See you tomorrow when I'm 5 days in.

  • Yep I remember my first puff I was 11...(!) my friends parents lived above a hairdressing salon that they owned and we were in the salon playing hairdressers ( this goes to show in itself how young we were) this was in the days when u could smoke anywhere and there was an ashtray in the back room that had 1 whole cigarette sat in it...... The three of us went outside behind the bingo hall and smoked it, we all hated it but felt grown up and resolved to meet again the following day to share another cig... ( one of my friends nicked one from her mums pack) it went on like this for a couple of years nicking fags from parents and sharing them the odd one here and there between 3 of us... By the time I was 14 I was on about 5 a day.

    Fast forward 24 years and I was a hardcore smoker..20 odd a day and easily more if I was on a night out.... Oh how I wish I could rewind back and tell that little girl of 11 not to have even 1 puff.....STILL on the plus side I'm quitting now and so are you, we have all seen sense in the end....

    Sorry for the ramble but actually when I started writing I found it to be very therapeutic so thank you... And keep going with the quit you are doing great :) xx

  • I'm back again. I lasted a little over or under 3 months. I can't remember where I got up to.

    I broke when my sister came round, she was having some problems with her boyfriend and was puffing away in the back garden. She is one of a very few people that know I ever smoked in my life, but she wasn't aware that I had a problem with it.

    She offered me one.. the rest is history.

    I'm a secret smoker again, smoking out of my bedroom window, getting up early to smoke in car parks.

    There are so many things wrong I don't even know where to start. My quit date should be tonight, but I don't have the strength. I've lost before I've even started.

    I'm sorry for unloading. I hate it, it consumes me. Why did I go back?!? Why am I here!? I was so HAPPY with my achivement!

    The sick thing is, that I never ever wanted to smoke but I've always had a fantasy - the only time I ever think I truly enjoyed smoking was sitting on a beach on holiday, in the sun with a beer. I think somewhere deep inside, even on the quit - I wanted to do that. I'm going away to Thailand for a year in September, I often thought of sitting on the beach and smoking that cig.

    I'm a fool, an idiot and a very ashamed addict.

  • What method did you use to quit last time? CT?

    Going turkey is obviously the quickest way to go but not everyone sadly is able to do it that way. Like climbing mountains, some people have the ability to do it, others don't.

    Dust yourself off, look upon that 3 months as a practice run. Maybe this time try using an ecig or another form of NRT or whatever you think would be best to help you with this quit.

    Above all though, quit once you feel is the right time for you. You will know when that is. More importantly don't put yourself down and let negativity consume you...that's a direct line to failure right there and a vicious circle of smoking/self loathing/quitting/failing.....

    Good luck

  • Hi whit,

    Can I ask why you are a secret smoker? I read back through your posts and remember from last time that your girlfriend lives a distance away, maybe the act of secretly smoking is the buzz, smoking out of windows in car parks etc... I think as has been described before you really do need to get in the right mindset before you contemplate it again, and if your sister knows you smoke, tell her you are quitting so you don't have to worry about her offering you a cig in the future, perhaps some NRT might help you not necessarily a patch but some gum or lozenges maybe? I hope you find your new quit very soon, good luck to you xx

  • Welcome back Whit, though I am sorry you're feeling so down and angry at yourself. Please try to make a consious effort not to beat yourself up because as have more or less said, if you take the guilt trip too far you'll smoke just to punish yourself and you'll be back to where you started.

    Like Donna I am wondering why exactly you have always been a secret smoker (I don't think you ever explained how it all came about) and more to the point, why you feel you can't 'come clean' to anyone close to you and gain their support? What is it that prevents you from enlisting the help of your gilrfriend/close friends/family? I can't imagine they would judge you anywhere near as harshly as you seem to be judging yourself and if they are aware of the situation at least they will understand if you're tetchy or anxious or otherwise not yourself for a time.

    If nothing else, please make use of the forum as you can be 100% certain that we'll always be here for you and no-one here will do anything other than try to support you all the way.

    You can do this if you want to, Whit, and despite your daydream of the fag on the beach in Thailand I think you do want to or you wouldn't have returned to the forum. I should start visulising that beach but without the fag. Wouldn't it be much nicer?

    Stick with us Whit. Hope you feel better about yourself by the time you read this. :)

  • Thanks guys and gals for the comments. I failed, but I know I wasn't really prepared for it. Things have changed now, I'm really focused and really positive, like last time where I stayed off for 3 months so easily.

    Here is what I'm doing:

    [*]Keeping a Journal to record feelings and thoughts

    [*]Reading a Self Help Book (Anthony Robbins)

    [*]Having the same treat as last time (Mentos for day 1-3 and Chocolate buttons for day 7!)

    [*]Taking it a day at a time, not rushing it

    [*]Cleaning up the rest of my diet so I can feel much better - and gaining some genuine self respect back

    [*]Never smoking again, not even for the one on the beach

    Strangely enough I've lost that desire for the one on the beach in the last week. I sat on a bench in the sun at a service station (as always) on Saturday - whilst everyone else was out having fun. I thought I'd enjoy it - but it was just disgusting and equally as crap as the rest.

    I'm actually quite happy that I found that out the 'easy' way. I just don't want it anymore - ever - and I know that I don't.

    I can normally make it through the first 3 days (he says) it just gets hard with the mental stuff after a week, hence some of the small lifestyle changes in my list above.

    I guess like someone said, every quit is different, and a few hours/days/months/lifetime of reflection has made me see what I was smoking for - essentially because I associate it with relaxation and doing something naughty.

    Well I've come to realise that it's not something naughty, it's something destructive and it has far reaching consequences on the rest of my wellbeing. It's instant gratification, giving in to an urge is weakness and I'm not a weak person - I'm going to smash through these first days and not look back.

    Well apart from to come back here that is!

    Oh and... When I get an urge:

    Wait for 2 minutes to see if it passes, Shower, Post on here, Walk to get sweets from shop, check for replies. If still feeling it, wait for 2 minutes, shower, Post on here... and so on!

    Stay with me guys! :)

  • Day one complete.

    I am trying a new tactic, I'm also quitting caffeine, which has given me a stinking headache.

    This is a physical pain that I can focus on for the first week, and by the time I've beat the headaches I've beaten the fags.

    I know that sounds ridiculous, but it seems to be working. I've never felt so mentally strong.

  • It doesn't sound ridiculous. I did the same thing. Awful headache for 3 days which took my mind off smoking. You'll also feel less jittery as nicotine surpresses caffeine and so coffee has more of an effect on you when you quit.

    Good luck for tomorrow.:D

  • Was just saying on another thread I do a Facebook diary. Now as a secret smoker this is different but maybe think about something similar and admit it to people., come out shall we say lol. Half the battle is really wanting to quit and meaning it. Feed on your positive frame of mind. Good luck and stay strong because we are awesome!!

  • Day done :)

    Headache from lack of coffee and fags and now doing loads of exercise is excruciating.

    Just one day at a time and before you know it we'll all be rich and famous and healthy and spending time with our loved ones with no hint of smoking being in our past or our future!

    Here is a treat to everyone, this is a Piano piece that is simply stunning. I encourage all you smokers who are struggling and those who are not, to grab a drink, switch off your phone turn on your speakers and listen:



  • Keep going Steve Im right by your side. A step at a time and we will make it x

    Thank you, killer headaches but staying strong.

  • Thank you, well done! We are through the first week. Onwards and upwards. I'm going to find your story - soon I'll be posting on the next forum. We did it!

  • You ARE doing it. Keep it up

  • Hi again.

    Well I fell off the wagon about 3 weeks ago, and I'm thoroughly depressed. I've tried to quit from the very first cigarette and I'm totally miserable about it.

    I am sat here in my car, at the services again. The difference this time is that I have moved my girlfriend in and I'm due to go traveling in lest than 2 weeks. When I'm away in India, and Thailand you can smoke anywhere, so I have to get rid of the demon before then.

    I am so incredibly sad about it - so dissapointed in myself for failing again.

    I am going to follow the same strategy this time that I did last time. I don't want this anymore. Help me please :(

    1) Don't smoke

    2) Get up early and RUN and do 30 minutes of Yoga/stretching

    - I have to do this because the morning is when my mind slips and I tell myself that 'tomorrow is a good quit day, not today'

    3) Quit Caffiene

    - Quitting coffee tea chocolate and coke is hard, and it gives me headaches. As silly as it sounds I can use these headaches as mental torture that reminds me daily that I am not smoking. It has worked before, it works well for me. It helps me sleep better and whenever I feel a headache I think - this is because I'm smoking. By the time the headaches stop, i'm free. Coffee and Tea is a massive trigger for me, by far the biggest.

    4) Go on a strict food diet

    - I have to do this for the same reasons as above. I will eat very healthily because it forces me to think about eating. Eating bad food is a very big trigger for me as well - it's a feeling of 'oh well you've just eaten like crap and made your body much worse - why not enjoy a fag as well?'. It's so stupid when I write it down but it's also just so true.

    5) Mentally understand that there is no benefit

    - I have noticed another trigger here - I like to work alone, but I can't work from the house because it's so busy. I associate getting on with work with being alone, and being alone to smoking. So when I want to get a few hours of uninterupted work done, I'll go out to a coffee shop and buy 10 cigs and a coffee. I need to know that I can still concentrate very well without a cigerette and that having it there with me makes me less productive and less likely to do meaningful work. It makes me smell, and that makes me nervous about returning home, and it means that I can't work from home because I smell.

    6) Rewards

    - I am not allowing myself a reward on the first day, but contrary to point (3) and (5) above I will allow myself a cup of tea in a Costa on Wednesday morning and Thursday morning. I am going away for a few days on Friday, so I will allow myself my first cup of coffee on Friday morning from the airport.

    - I'm sorry for unloading here. It seems so stupid but getting it all written down is a big step for me. I knew that I wouldn't take this final quit seriously if I didn't share it with you.

    It's painful reading back to how I felt last time. It's just the same. Exactly the same. I can't remember the first fag I had, where I bought it from etc. It's so silly - I can't even remember the scenario. How can I fall off the wagon and not even know where I fell?

    I'm worried that I am creating a trend for myself. Where I decide to quit then do it for a few months then forget how much I hate it when I go back to it. A serial quitter! I like to think of myself as someone who doesn't quit things, but with this I just need to live life smoke free and thrive with it.

    It's 9pm. It's a Tuesday night, my friends and family are at home and I'm sat in a service station smoking, casually gambling money I don't have because I'm bored and miserable. Not anymore. For the last time I'm going to smoke, and for the last time I'm going to quit.

  • Oh Whit...I am sorry....a big virtual hug is heading your way...:)

    But forgive me if I say that I do think you have a tendency to punish yourself too much. Of course you're disappointed in yourself losing your quit, but it seems to me that by depriving yourself of so many other things you could be setting yourself up to fail again (so creating a bit of a viscious circle). I can't see that a few cups of tea would hurt you and sometimes the only way through those early days is to compensate with something good to eat. You could always decide only to snack on health things (sunflower seeds, dried fruit, nuts, etc).

    I do hope you feel better by the time you read this and that you can put it down to experience and get back on the horse without feeling you've let yourself down, your school down, your country down...(you know what I mean).

    And you have your trip to look forward to. It sounds like quite an adventure! :D

  • Wishing you all the best in your quit, good luck x

  • Hello Again,

    This morning was very tough, very very tough. I woke up with a slight cough, and immediately just thought to myself 'sod it' 'another day'. After changing my mind a few times I came to a filthy, embarassing comprimise.

    Last night I threw away 8 of the 10 fags that I had bought onto the floor (in the box) in the services that I was at. I decided that if they were there then i would smoke, and if not then I wouldn't. Well the gods were smiling at me because they weren't there and I'm approaching day one.

    My head is on fire and we are due to go out for a meal with some close friends later - of course I haven't told anyone about the situation so it's suffering in silence for me!

    Thank you for your words - being kind to myself hmmm I'm not sure! Maybe tomorrow morning - I'll let you know.

    Sorry for unloading again - it's just a timestamp for me to know that I made it to 17:08 and I'm just a short way away from day 1.

  • Well done Whit! :D

    I still think you judge yourself too harshly. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a break instead. And perhaps your friends would support you if they knew. You don't have to suffer in silence you know. No man is an island and all that malarky :)

    I hope you enjoy your evening and when you wake tomorrow you'll know that you've put your final Day One to bed.

  • happy birthday !!

    keep going !! remember its a gift that takes weeks, months, year to get your penthouse :)

    all the best !

  • Hello, so I'm back again. Day one again. I am so jealous of those of you that stick it out. I can quit but I keep coming back for just one - then before I know it I'm back at a car park stinking out my car. It's been about a month since my relapse, and I've set one hour from now as my quit date.

    It's no caffiene, no smoking and a high excerise reigme for me - as it's worked in the past. It's difficult to do but seems to help me focus - I need that pain to remind my body of what I've done to it over the past month.

    Why will this one be different? Because I'm not going to forget what got me here. I'm starting to realise the value of a community like this - and as nobody knows that I'm a smoker something like this is so valuable. I need to remind myself that I hate it - and not think "I can quit with pain whenever I want" because - even though I can stop for a few weeks or months, I can't quit. I'm still a smoker. Even when I quit in a few hours - I AM A SMOKER. MY HANDS SMELL, MY COAT SMELLS MY LUNGS ACHE.

    They will continue to do so until I quit - and that quit comes when I make it to the penthouse - when I reach times of extreme bordom and pain and still don't smoke - when I have quit and forgotten how hard the quit was but I don't forget the importance of quitting.

    For now, I'm still a smoker. I'm quitting again, it will hurt but I need to do it for me and for my family. Love to all that read this, you don't need to respond :(

  • Whitsand, I've said it before and will therefore be a big fat pain in the bot and say it again....don't punish yourself to the point where you end up so fed up that you lose your quit. I know you say that the 'boot camp' approach works for you, but on the other hand, here you are again back at square one (and on a major ego skid about it). I really do believe that for the vast majority of us, treats and tenderness are what we need in the early days (and months) of our quits. It's hard enough fighting the Demon Nic without depriving yourself of everything else you enjoy at the same time.

    Stick around, Whit, and post as often as possible. That'll both distract you and give you loads of support and inspiration. We're all in this together you know. :D

    ...And Happy New Year mate! I have a feeling 2015 is going to be your year...:)

  • Hiya Whit, please don't be hard on yourself, the fact remains you keep coming back and you keep trying, as do I :) lets make this the one and forget all the quits before, good luck x

  • Thank you all so much. Yesterday was quite difficult. I had a few opportunities to smoke during the day, I voluntarily turned down one but then - late at night around 9pm I went to visit a friend and thought "I can just pull into this garage here and have a cig". I pulled in - got out went into the shop and low and behold I had left my wallet at home!

    Well I searched the car high and low but could only find £3 - not enough! So I won yesterday in the end :)

    This morning I am up at 7am and have another opportunity to smoke away. As I'm a secret smoker this means going to silly lengths - I'm going "to the gym" but need to make sure that I actually do go because I need some non smelly clothes to change in to and somewhere to brush my teeth. Smoking is pathetic.

    So I'm winning so far this morning, and I'm thanking the weather for making me see sense because I stepped outside and it was howling - I just thought about what I'd feel like after that horrible fag. I'd feel guilty, embarrassed, I'd have very little self respect, and I'd be COLD AND WET! So somehow I managed to turn around and put the kettle on. I'm still really tempted to go out - but as the minutes tick by and my loved ones start to wake up - I think I'll be ok. The rest of today and tomorrow day time I think I'll be ok because I'm around non-smokers the whole time.

    I've got a terrible story to share when I get a chance tomorrow - something that I feel I have to record so I don't ever forget it!

    I am taking the advice on board. I'm not being too hard on myself in the immediate term. The 'boot camp' philosophy has worked in the past, but for some reason it is feeling more difficult this time. Like you are saying to me - minute by minute, hour by hour. Hell week, heck week, then see where we are.

    Love you all for being my secret reprieve from my secret habit.

    Whit x

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