I need some advice / thoughts
As You all know, I lost my mum earlier this year. She was a very heavy smoker, upto 60 a day. Although we were close and i saw her every week, because her partner was in hospital, she died alone of pneumonia.
What I don't understand is, why, when I feel incredibly sad like I do now do I want to smoke when that is what took her from me. Why can't I get angry at this addiction, I mean, I know absolutely in my head with utter conviction that it is evil and bad and destroys lives, so, why can't I FEEL it? I have slipped but basically haven't smoked properly in over a year. Why can it still do this to me?
I don't feel able to talk about it, it has been building inside me so it goes around and around my head and I really think it's going to beat me and that scares me so much. I think I'm just being really weak. I mean I should be able to "feel" emotionally what I "know" logically shouldn't I?
I'm so sorry to be so negative so far into my quit