I don't understand

Hi everyone,

I need some advice / thoughts

As You all know, I lost my mum earlier this year. She was a very heavy smoker, upto 60 a day. Although we were close and i saw her every week, because her partner was in hospital, she died alone of pneumonia.

What I don't understand is, why, when I feel incredibly sad like I do now do I want to smoke when that is what took her from me. Why can't I get angry at this addiction, I mean, I know absolutely in my head with utter conviction that it is evil and bad and destroys lives, so, why can't I FEEL it? I have slipped but basically haven't smoked properly in over a year. Why can it still do this to me?

I don't feel able to talk about it, it has been building inside me so it goes around and around my head and I really think it's going to beat me and that scares me so much. I think I'm just being really weak. I mean I should be able to "feel" emotionally what I "know" logically shouldn't I?

I'm so sorry to be so negative so far into my quit

Molly x

17 Replies

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  • Its a conditioned response, through decades of smoking when things were as they are now you reached for a smoke.

    Logic plays no role, its almost instinctive and requires practice of facing the situation without smoking to become accustomed to coping with out.

    You will get there, but the addiction/habit is very deeply ingrained.

  • Hi everyone,

    I need some advice / thoughts

    As You all know, I lost my mum earlier this year. She was a very heavy smoker, upto 60 a day. Although we were close and i saw her every week, because her partner was in hospital, she died alone of pneumonia.

    What I don't understand is, why, when I feel incredibly sad like I do now do I want to smoke when that is what took her from me. Why can't I get angry at this addiction, I mean, I know absolutely in my head with utter conviction that it is evil and bad and destroys lives, so, why can't I FEEL it? I have slipped but basically haven't smoked properly in over a year. Why can it still do this to me?

    I don't feel able to talk about it, it has been building inside me so it goes around and around my head and I really think it's going to beat me and that scares me so much. I think I'm just being really weak. I mean I should be able to "feel" emotionally what I "know" logically shouldn't I?

    I'm so sorry to be so negative so far into my quit

    Molly x

    Oh Molly I'm sorry you're feeling so low!!

    ((Hugs))

    Will drop you a PM a mo

    xxx

  • Its a conditioned response, through decades of smoking when things were as they are now you reached for a smoke.

    Logic plays no role, its almost instinctive and requires practice of facing the situation without smoking to become accustomed to coping with out.

    You will get there, but the addiction/habit is very deeply ingrained.

    Thanks Nic,

    It's crazy. I know that, logically, I have been sitting here since Sunday KNOWING that I'm reacting to a set of triggers but it isn't helping me. Why?

    How can I KNOW something but not be able to FEEL it?

    I hate smoking, I hate what it did to my dad, I hate what it did to my mum, I hate what it's done to me. So, knowing what I know, do I feel like I could light up? I feel like like a right dozy so n so!

    Molly

  • Oh Molly I'm sorry you're feeling so low!!

    ((Hugs))

    Will drop you a PM a mo

    xxx

    Oh Gem, you are one lovely lady x

  • Molly

    Glad you posted this stuff and are looking for answers and are not smoking.

    Given all those bad things you know about smoking Molly it is only logical you would hope that you would hate that smoking for everything it has done. But you do not need to hate the smoking to not smoke. My wife has never smoked a day in her life and she does not hate the smoking. So no there is no need to hate the smokes in order not to smoke.

    Secondly I think you must be thinking somehow that having a smoke is going to make something better. If you are sitting there fantasising about how a smoke would be just right, then get that checked right now. You have been here before and you know it is junky thinking to be thinking it would change a single thing or make a single thing better or different. So just keep that thought well stomped on.

    Paul

  • Hugs!

    Hi Molly,I know how you feel. After losing my mum on June to lung cancer and my dad to emphysema in 2004 I wonder how the hell I am so stupid and why can't I see it.

    To be honest I think as others have said we're so used to using it as our crutch/comfort in times of need we turn a blind eye and stick our heads in the sand.

    I honestly don't think I've let it sink in about mum yet, don't know how but I think if I do I'll crumble and won't cope or maybe the grieving already began whilst caring for her.

    Worst of all mum asked me to stop which I did for a few months until a day when she took bad but still when she asked I told her I was still stopped. I can't believe I lied but I just wanted to make her proud. She'll be looking down on me now with shame but I still can't bring myself to get it right!

    Molly, you've not acted on your thoughts so you are feeling it, it's just the demon trying to mess with you but your not letting him, that's remarkable in my book, wish I could be like you so be proud and conquer those thoughts you can do it xx

  • Fair point well made Paul. The thing is I know smoking is bad, I know I don't need to smoke. I can't express how relieved I was and am to be quit. I also know I won't go back.

    I just can't understand why I have these feelings, they are against everything I think at the moment. They make no sense to me. I miss my mum, I feel sad therefore I "feel" like a cig? It's flipping bonkers! I get mad with myself but it doesn't stop it :(

    Molly x

  • Oh Gem, you are one lovely lady x

    Aww thanks :)

    So are you hun!! x

  • Molly chuffed to bits you said you know you will not go back. Looking back In Fondness at the smokey you is not bad. Remembering how when you were sad a smoke would be you answer is good. You are recognising these things for what they are just stupid ghosts of the past Molly.

    It is ok not to hate the smoking. My long term goal is to be totally indifferent. I certainly do not hate smoking. I met some great smokers smoking. I have great memories around smoking and a shared addiction with friends.

    However we have chose not to use that crutch anymore. I think of it like an old flame (pun) : I knew we can never be but damn if we didn't have some good times and I certainly wouldn't want to take her back now!!!

    Molly take care. You have done good. We are all proud.

    Paul

  • :(

    So sorry your having such a bad few days hun

    Sending love and HUGS your way and hope that you turn a corner very soon

    I know you will find your way through this

    Just remember to be kind to yourself your trying too hard to find answers to something that has none

    Smoking has been abig part of your life for such along time that your only going through your normal reaction to a still very painful loss

    Your still coming to terms with that and your mind is struggling to find reasons

    Again sending LOVE and HUGS your way

    Carol

    XXX

  • Big hugs your way Molly! It's just nasty Nic targeting you at your weakest. He is such a coward and you are so strong that in order to try get you he has to wait until your defences are low. But you are wise to this and you are too strong for him!

    So sorry you are down - it must be so hard for you.

    Sarah x

  • Hi Molly,I know how you feel. After losing my mum on June to lung cancer and my dad to emphysema in 2004 I wonder how the hell I am so stupid and why can't I see it.

    To be honest I think as others have said we're so used to using it as our crutch/comfort in times of need we turn a blind eye and stick our heads in the sand.

    I honestly don't think I've let it sink in about mum yet, don't know how but I think if I do I'll crumble and won't cope or maybe the grieving already began whilst caring for her.

    Worst of all mum asked me to stop which I did for a few months until a day when she took bad but still when she asked I told her I was still stopped. I can't believe I lied but I just wanted to make her proud. She'll be looking down on me now with shame but I still can't bring myself to get it right!

    Molly, you've not acted on your thoughts so you are feeling it, it's just the demon trying to mess with you but your not letting him, that's remarkable in my book, wish I could be like you so be proud and conquer those thoughts you can do it xx

    Oh Mrs Mash, I'm so sorry that you've list your mum too and I'm flipping sure she looks down on you with nothing but pride!

    Thank you for your lovely message and I hope you find your quit love x

  • :(

    So sorry your having such a bad few days hun

    Sending love and HUGS your way and hope that you turn a corner very soon

    I know you will find your way through this

    Just remember to be kind to yourself your trying too hard to find answers to something that has none

    Smoking has been abig part of your life for such along time that your only going through your normal reaction to a still very painful loss

    Your still coming to terms with that and your mind is struggling to find reasons

    Again sending LOVE and HUGS your way

    Carol

    XXX

    Thanks Carol, having a reply from you is like getting a hug! Do you think I'm looking too hard for a reason for feeling this way? Strangely enough I could cope with it if I knew it was "normal"

    Xx

    Big hugs your way Molly! It's just nasty Nic targeting you at your weakest. He is such a coward and you are so strong that in order to try get you he has to wait until your defences are low. But you are wise to this and you are too strong for him!

    So sorry you are down - it must be so hard for you.

    Sarah x

    Thanks Sarah, I'm not so sure about being strong to be honest, I'm one of the weakest people I know!

    I won't let this beat me now though, that's for sure and reading replies like yours helps no end! Thank you x

  • I'm not sure :confused:

    But our minds def confuse us with the thoughts we have about smoking

    When we were smoking we ignored all signs of how bad smoking was for our bodies and just carried on doing it

    You are such a strong lady and I'm sure you will look back on this and realise that fact

    Its taken strength to keep to your quit and question why your suddenly thinking of smoking even if it doesn't make sense

    Not sure if that made sense

    Sorry I'm abit high atm took some strong painkillers awhile back and my mind is more muddled then normal

    Posting on here first again shows strength

    again be kind to yourself

    I wish I could give you a proper HUG

    Night hun

    XXX

  • Thank you Lostie,

    You're right I will get through this, especially with you guys around :)

    I actually feel a lot better today, I think I'm just going to have to accept that there will be bad days and just get on with it and deal with them knowing that it will be better in the morning.

    Thanks petal

    Molly x

  • Molly chuffed to bits you said you know you will not go back. Looking back In Fondness at the smokey you is not bad. Remembering how when you were sad a smoke would be you answer is good. You are recognising these things for what they are just stupid ghosts of the past Molly.

    It is ok not to hate the smoking. My long term goal is to be totally indifferent. I certainly do not hate smoking. I met some great smokers smoking. I have great memories around smoking and a shared addiction with friends.

    However we have chose not to use that crutch anymore. I think of it like an old flame (pun) : I knew we can never be but damn if we didn't have some good times and I certainly wouldn't want to take her back now!!!

    Molly take care. You have done good. We are all proud.

    Paul

    Paul

    Just Love this post from you and can relate to it. I too met some fab people through smoking. Sad but so true!

    Fi x

  • Mols my love

    You've had such lovely support my love and only echo what the others say.

    I too watched my mum pass away with pancreatic cancer, smoking related and carried on puffing for several more years, incredulous looking back.

    As you also know only too well from each and every one of us, we've all had these flipping 'damned thoughts' (myself at 11 months quit. Un ****** believable.)

    When oh when does this emotional roller coaster end !!!!

    Fi x