I have a confession

Ive argued with myself all day about this. I didnt know whether to be honest or keep this to myself, but I would feel like such a fraud if I wasnt honest.

I had a cigarette last night. A whole one.

Im suffering now, really suffering, my chest is so bad. When I woke up this morning it was like a bad dream, I didnt know whether I had dreamed it or if it was real. When I remembered it was real I was so angry with myself. I stank, my mouth was horrible and all for one bloody smoke.

I am going to put this to my fellow quitters as my son is now telling me I should go back to day one, he isnt happy with me at all.

So back to day one for one smoke or can I still say Im nicotine free.

A very shameful Lillie xoxoxox

18 Replies

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  • Up to you what you do Lillie. What do you think of when you reach a milestone, so many weeks/months smokefree? You mention honesty, how would you feel knowing you were kidding yourself, no doubt someone will say it was just a blip, but how many blips make a relapse. Like I said though, it's up to you, whatever you decide though, I hope you know now you're an addict. Also don't feel shamefull, you're not the first and you certainly wont be the last, so don't beat yourself up about it. David.

  • Ive always known I was an addict and as far as I know I have always been honest.

    I know what I would like to do but would like to hear others opinions before I do that. At the moment I feel like leaving the forum, not smoking again, but just leaving. Im not feeling shameful, Im angry with myself, I got through the hell of the weekend and then had a smoke, I sabotaged myself because I thought I wasnt worth anything, but then so what eh, I slipped and I should be stoned!

  • Why leave the forum Lillie? You've had a fag, not mugged some old lady. Flipping heck it's not a hanging offence. Don't worry about your son, he'll get over it when you show him you mean it this time.

  • Don't leave the forum! It needs you.

    Don't feel too bad. You've been under a lot of strain lately. You certainly aren't the first person to slip up, and nor will you be the last. But I hope you use this small blip positively... think about why it happened. Realise that it hasn't changed any of your other problems. And be careful: we all know, after that first slip up it gets progressively easier to have a smoke here and there until before you know it you're properly off the wagon.

    I'd say if it would dishearten you too much to go back to day one then don't - as long as you learn from it and don't drop the ball again. However (puts on best headmistress voice) if you take one more puff then go back to day one, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

    But don't leave the forum, whatever you do.

    H

  • Ive decided to go back to day one. But I have also decided to leave the forum. Im really sorry but I just dont feel like I can be on here anymore, I feel like shite now.

    Thank you to everyone who has been here for me through this hard weekend, hopefully I will be in my new home by the weekend so all will be looking up.

    I will pop back now and again to see how everyone is doing, but for now its all over.

    Lillie xoxoxox

  • Hi Lillie

    I'm a newbie to the board and only started my smoke-free journey today.

    From your signature line, I assume that you started your journey in October? If that's the case, you've been doing remarkabley well! This journey isn't an easy one; we all know that. Personally, I don't think you should go back to day one at all -- you've obviously learned a lot from the experience, so put it behind you and carry on. The whole purpose of the journey is to be smoke-free at the end of it. And you will, trust me.

    What you need to understand is, to someone like me who's just trying to complete their first day in almost 20 years smoke-free, you're a role model. I can't even comprehend being that far down the line at the moment -- all I can do is take each day as it comes. I've been putting 40 of those damn sticks in my mouth since I was a kid -- if I slip-up just once in the same amount of time it would be a mirracle! Personally, I'd be proud to have got as far as you have. Just carry-on, and please don't leave the forum. It's nice to know that you're only human and have had a tiny setback -- someone I know can help me because I'll likely be going through the same thing at some point and I'll need someone who's experienced it to pull me through.

  • Hey Lillie,

    Yeah, I know, I know I was disappearing for xmas but just peeked on here as I was feeling a bit shite about my quit. WTF LIllie????? I mean WTF in terms of you leaving the forum not you smoking. You had one ciggie...ok you're angry at yourself but DO NOT leave this forum. This is your smoking mind wanting to lure you in to have another cigarette.

    "I feel so miserable now I've smoked so I can't go back on the forum and carry on quitting, I'll just give in to self pity" and when you do that you have another smoke. Honestly lillie, don't fall into that trap. I don't know what stresses you've had but you can't give up, giving up now. You have done brilliantly so far. This is a blip....when you've quit in two years time it really won't matter whether you quit in October or December. If you feel like starting again then do so but do not fall into the nicotine trap again...last time I did it took me two more years before I started another quit (this one in fact). You've helped me so much and no doubt others on this forum...let us help you back. I bet you don't feel any better for having a fag and if some incident or person was the trigger "then it/they have won" haven't they? Do you want to let them get away with that....no tell em to **** off and give up the fags. Don't let situations and other people win, you're strong. Hulk smash....lillie bash!!!!!!!!!

    DO NOT GO! or I will stalk you forever. Now there's an incentive. Honestly, so you've had a fag...so what. The stronger person will just quit again...not give in to those nicodemon urges. Look at our friend zoemac, she's quitting again under huge stresses. I just don't want to see you go lillie and you've achieved so much and there is so much more to achieve. Hope you stay.

    Lisa x

  • Worth it?

    Did the smoke taste good? Man, I'd love one right now...

    Honestly, was it worth it? I'd love to know as some 56 days of hell does not seem to be subsiding.

  • Hi Lillie,

    I am sorry you had a ciggie but it is no reason to leave the forum hun. You are obviously well liked here and everyone is behind you. It was ONE cigarette and it is possible to carry on with a quit after having a moment of madness lol.

    Pick yourself up, carry on with your quit BUT DON'T LEAVE. :p

    Gaynor x

  • Lillie stop being a silly arse!!!! It was under the influence of vodka therefore can definitely be classed as a blip....Don't leave us:(...whos going to put me to rights on one of my voddie fuelled rants??

  • Lillie I think you are punishing yourself by issuing a self imposed exile from the forum. You are worthy and it really doesn't matter to me that you had a smoke. What matters is that you carry on quitting despite a relapse or any number of relapses for that matter. I know you are feeling very low atm, take care of yourself and try to stay positive about life in general and about quitting. We are all still here for you if you need us :)

  • Dear Lillie

    I haven't been on the forum for a while, but I have been reading your posts. You have been having a very tough time and you're coping with it amazingly well. You've had 1 cigarette. ONE!!!

    On Saturday I asked a friend to roll me a fag and they refused....so it could be me in the same situation. AND I would call it a blip!!

    If you need a break from the forum, you should, but there's a lot of people who are going to miss you, me included.

    I hope everything works out for you.

    Lots of love

    LizzieX

  • Hey lillie,

    I"m sorry to hear what happened. I really am. I would be crushed if I was to do the same thing. I can say though that here is where you will get the most support cuz all of us have done this before....we know what its like....we can provide support...

    You wrote this the other day when I said i was going to leave...more because i didnt know what the forum had for me anymore...

    I found this forum and I havent looked back.

    I dont know where you have seen negative posts though. I have seen people being honest about their struggle, I have seen people describing the hell they are going through but I really havent seen anyone be negative.

    I sad that youre not going to be posting anymore, the forum needs people like you, people who are winning the fight. We need your experiences to help others who are struggling with their quit.

    I wish you would reconsider and stay to help those coming behind you.

    Lillie xxx

    Just read what YOU wrote!!!

    Steve

  • Well put steve This time where asking you to reconsider :D

  • Lillie,

    As you know I did the same as you on 12th November, and for the same reason, I wanted to sabotage myself. A stupid thing to do cos I only hurt myself and not those who hurt me. And I was devastated to lose a 50 day quit, and felt exactly the way you are feeling now, both physically and emotionally. But HECK Lillie, all you had was ONE lousy fag, whereas I went 'straight for the throat' so to speak and bought a packet of 20, which I smoked over three days. I continued to smoke for three weeks, which is why I went back to Day 1, plus the fact that I wanted a new quit in a new month. But Lillie, it would be CRAZY to go back to Day 1 just because of one stupid cigarette in nearly three months. LOL, if you compare it with the three months before you quit, then it is 99.9999999999999999% improvement!! And you wouldn't be a REAL Day 1 person as you wouldn't have the withdrawal symptoms you had the first time round. And as for leaving the forum, well that is crazy too. I know exactly how you feel believe me, but come on Lillie we all care about you. So stay here with us and everything will be fine. You haven't lost your quit, you slipped up but stopped again straight away. And that takes some doing, and shows how strong you really are. So take a break from the forum if you feel the need, DON'T smoke as you have too much to lose, and we are all here waiting for you.

    Lots of love,

    Zoe xxxx

  • Lillie dear, look at it this way. If I was dealing with what you are I would be more surprised with myself had I NOT SMOKED, let alone having one fag.

    This is just another part of the journey. You can't leave just because you had a slip up. :mad:

    In the words of a Stone Cold Soul Classic -

    :(

  • Hi Lillie,

    Please don't leave the forum! Take a break if need be, to get yourself together, but don't leave permanently.

    I'm sorry you had a cigarette last night, but try not to beat yourself up about it. It's one cigarette, versus all the ones that you haven't smoked over the last couple of months - don't let that measly one take you over! Whether you decide to go back to 'day one' is irrelevant IMO, as the last two months are an achievement in any case.

    Take care

    Jen x

  • U dont even know!!

    Hi Lillie,

    I just joined the forum. I started my quit 27.11.11 and last night 13.12.11 the nicodemon was sitting on my shoulder constantly whispering in my ear. I started reading then joined this forum for strength, inspiration etc.

    Many quotes from you gave me the strength and inspiration to flick him off my shoulder last night. Your inspirational posts helped me and you didnt even know me.

    1 cig is a blip dont beat yourself up beat up the nicodemon. No-one said this would be easy but we are all here helping each other.

    Hope you stay and I owe you a big thank you.

    Rich

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