This question is for those of you in the older age ranges and struggling to remain independent and for the ones who have experience caring for a parent or grandparent.
When do you reach the point of "enough is enough", when their behavior is becoming dangerous or immature and they can't see it? And what do you do?
My mother is a physically-healthy 80 who hasn't been able to get over the loss of my stepfather 5 years ago. Her behavior is becoming increasingly manic, and she's made a number of expensive, permanent decisions on a whim, admitting after the fact that they were mistakes. Her GP has spent the last several years telling her that she needs treatment for depression, but she keeps insisting that she's fine.
The kids and I stopped riding with her 3 years ago because of the number of near-accidents she's had, but she thinks they're all pretty funny. She ripped up the entire rear quarter-panel of her car by parking too close to her house...in a spot made for 4 cars. She had to replace her tires before inspection because of the number of curbs she's hit.
She can't see the coffee cup that's 18" in front of her face or the deer that's standing 30' away in the middle of the yard. She's broken a number of things at my house or just tripped over them because she can't see. She'll admit this but refuses to wear glasses.
I know nothing about her finances beyond what she tells me, but things aren't adding up there. Her credit card bills are climbing because she wants to receive packages in the mail every day. She's forgotten to pay several utility bills in recent months and overpaid one for the better part of a year because she didn't understand what the minus sign and "credit" in bright red meant.
She flat-out refuses to buy groceries online, pay bills online, or consider any of the wide variety of transportation options (including her grandkids) that are available in our area.
She's begun convincing herself that she has a variety of terminal health issues and is looking into the most expensive assisted-living places in our area while admitting that she can't actually afford them and would be broke within 2 years. She's basically just flitting from one idea to the next but acting impulsively on major decisions while refusing input from anyone else.
Any time we try to have a serious discussion with her, she just starts shouting that she's not stupid and can make her own decisions. I already have medical POA, but these other things are stressing me out to the point of illness. I'm the only child, and the rest of our family consists of just my unmarried kids. She'd never forgive me if it reached the point of needing medical or legal intervention, but I'm worried sick about the changes we've seen, and I just can't ignore them anymore.
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NorasMom
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Hi NorasMom I feel for you, I really do. My best friend has/is/still going through stuff like that. Except there are her, and her brothers all involved...It would seem to me that you can have her admitted for an evaluation? And then the hospital would place her? That's what they do here anyway 😐 🙂
i agree you need some major help before she ends up with some major costs like law suit for hitting someone ...so sorry you have to go thru this alone...wow.......many prayers....can have her license taken away to stop her from driving ..i guess you just have to make a call to DMV...or have some one else that has seen her bad driving so it isn't started by you ...so sorry i know this doesn't help but i really have no ideas but ask her doctor to help is also a start or a lawyer....go girl before it is a lot worse...
NorasMom I'm so sorry your mom is apparently stubborn esp when all you are doing is trying to help. I don't have answers but I will pray for you both. The only thing that came to mind is perhaps chsnge your stragty in dealing with her or get someone else who she may listen to like a close friend. God bless you!
I can relate to caring for an aging parent who is having trouble accepting their limitations! I recently attended a presentation with my mom who is in assisted living. The speaker, Amy Cameron O’Rourke, is the author of a great book entitled “The Fragile Years.” She helps families navigate care and decision making for elderly parents. She did a youtube video which you might find helpful. If you search the following it should come up. I hope this helps!How To Care For Aging Parents | with, Amy Cameron O’Rourke, Professional Care Manager
NorasMom, This video might be more on point to your exact situation:Caring For Aging Parents with Professional Caregiver Amy O'Rourke
It’s also on youtube, Jillian Michaels interviewing Amy and discussing the fragile years and facing many of the decisions you mentioned in your post. All the best to you as you care for your mom.
If your state has an Agency for aging or an Ombudsman for resolving issues you might try there. Perhaps a call to a social services agency might be another place to start.
I'm now in your mother's age range, but many years ago when I stepped in to help my mother when she was behaving erratically, she complained to a state Ombudsman that I was abusing her. Her situation was investigated; the result was that she was declared incompetent to manage her affairs and I was made her guardian. I was relieved but she was very angry and never forgave me.
You have two problems: taking compassionate care of your Mother and taking care of yourself. First, take care of yourself, because if you don't, you will not be able to take care of your Mother. I watched my parents take care of their aging parents. The best piece of advise someone gave my Mother was "... to think with her head rather than her heart." Providing compassionate care for an aging parent can be "gut wrenching". You have my deepest sympathy. My parents both had alzheimers disease when they died and my brother in law provided most of the care after he consulted both my sister and I regarding the decisions that needed to be made. For example, my Mother called the local sheriff too many times to report a neighbor playing loud stereo music. The result was that she had to be admitted to the hospital for evaluation because the the neighbor was not playing music at all - my Mother was hearing things. The result was that my Mother had to be admitted to an assisted living facility due to her behavior. While it was sad, my sister and I didn't go on guilt trips over this decision. Long story short, make the best decisions you can and don't beat yourself up too much.
NorasMom, like bettlebug, I have no answers, but I feel your pain. I do. Prayers for you and your situation. If you can get a social worker to sit still, ask him/her if they have resources you can start with. (Every nursing home has a social worker, I think. You might start there??).
You probably feel bad making calls behind her back, but maybe her doctor can point you in the right direction too, without her knowledge. It's hard when they still want to make their own decisions, even it's incorrect decisions. Been there!
When it wasn't safe for my mom to drive I called the BMV. They said they couldn't take away her license but would send her a letter saying she had to take a driving test. My mom freaked out and turned in her license. For your mom, hopefully she will do her "normal driving mode" (i.e. bad) and they will take her license.
There should be agencies in your area who help the elderly. Use them! Your description makes me wonder if she's heading down the dementia road. That's a rocky one for all involved. Best of luck.
That's where my mind is now. We spent nearly a decade with my grandmother after Grandpa died, and she was well into the 2nd stage of Alzheimer's when we moved in. I'm seeing the same early signs with my mother. She's already not the same woman who raised me.
I haven't worked up the courage yet to watch the video recommended by Ms23, but I did get a message back today from our county Bureau of Aging, asking me to call them. If I can stop crying long enough, I'll deal with both of those things this week.
I was the one who had to make the decision to take my grandfather off life support. It was what he wanted, and he'd put his wishes in writing, but that day just keeps running through my head now. I don't know if I can deal with this without his help.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this on your own. I had two sisters. They didn't do much but at least I knew they were there. I'm glad you reached out to the Bureau of Aging. You may have to dry your eyes again to talk to them but at least you reached out! That's a wonderful first step.
It is so incredibly hard to see parents, particularly moms, living this journey. I kept having to tell myself that my mother wasn't "there" anymore, just her shell. She had no idea who I was as things progressed and since I have short hair, she asked my daughter "who this guy was". So hard to hear. But my strong mom wasn't there, just someone who looked like her.
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