this is another side to the Long Distance Friends I posted yesterday.
Back in the old days before there was a cellphone in every hand, internet in every room of every house and three or more social networking profiles for every man, woman and child in the world, friendship meant something.
Having a friend was, by definition and with no loopholes to escape it, being a friend. Friendship was a way of being. It meant you genuinely cared for the physical and emotional well-being of another individual just because they were who they were. Caring would always translate into doing. Whether it was helping to clean up a garden, babysitting, or just being a shoulder to cry on it was an action. Action full of sincerity. It also required awareness. If one friend went quiet the other would notice and find out why. When one friend asked another how they were doing, they genuinely wanted to know and cared if things weren't so great.
Friends felt obligated to help one another simply because it was the right thing to do. Not for a public pat on the back. Not for bragging rights. Not so that they could extort unpleasant favors out of the person at a later time.
Friends would stick up for you and protect you from bullies, even if that bully was yourself. A friend would tell you if you are being stupid, looking at things all wrong, or over reacting. A friend would point out your good and your bad traits and help you to overcome the bad. A friend would accept constructive criticism and appreciate the opportunity to perhaps become a better person.
Today the word friend refers to a thumbnail photo on a profile. Semi-anonymous blips on a screen that condone stupid behavior based on distorted subjective views of life that we post. People you barely know that "lol" at dumb pics you post. Strangers who think it's funny when you insult someone they don't know. People who believe or at least accept the lies you post about yourself and/or others because it's the easy thing to do and they simply DO NOT CARE.
Friends are vague electronic nuances that entertain us and encourage our own stupidity. Allow us to wallow in self pity. Join in our hateful bashing of others. And waste our time challenging us in mindless "i have more friends than you" games within social networking sites.
Try this just once. Call on these individuals to help you move across town. Call on these individuals to loan you $30 so that your electricity doesn't get shut off. Call on these individuals when you need a ride to the dentist because you will be too medicated to drive home. Call on these individuals to care. Many people have 100's of "friends" online, but if put to the test they will find out that maybe a handful at best will actually rise to the challenge.
Now try this. Go through your buddy list and ask yourself about each person,"Do I really care about this person? What is their last name? What is their greatest fear? Do they have kids? What are their names? Do they have any health challenges? Am I willing to put forth any effort actually BEING a friend to them?"
So why do we call them friends? How long are you willing to lie to yourself to convince yourself and others that you aren't as selfish and uncaring as everyone else online?
Only thing more sad than the current state of friendship, is that family members, nowadays care even less than "friends".
People ask me why my buddy lists are small or non existent. I'll tell you. I just can't pretend to care about strangers that much. If they changed the "friends" list to "online contacts" or "online acquaintances" I would be willing to add plenty of people.
I do find plenty of people interesting to talk to, informative, or entertaining enough to want a quick link to their posts. But to call them a FRIEND? Why delude myself?
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Chameleon3
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It's been a change in definition of friend with the dawn of social media, I agree. Even in physical contact with others about what are now deemed as friends. What most call friends, I define as aquantiances. I agree with you whole heartedly. When I first became ill, I found out how true that was. Heartbreaking really, when I thought I had many of friends, I found out otherwise. I will say the few, very few that were still there throughout the aftermath, I now cherish.
Thoughts and prayers,
Allen
Also I didn't have the opportunity to welcome you to the forum. I have been reading your posts and they are insightful and I enjoy reading them.
Thank you Allen. I too lost people I called a friend for many years. Some 30 or more who decided they didn't want to be friends when I decided I wasn't going to give them any more money. I did too much of that, and I was used. I was delusional.
Also I had over a 1,000 people on my friends list on Facebook. I realized that I didn't even know most of them. I started whittling them down to a few who are family, real friends, and people who share this hot mess with me. They talk to me and ask me suggestions on how to handle the symptoms and isolation. I am a criminal psychologist by profession and a clinical psychologist so I can give therapy here in Fort Worth to people with invisible diseases and are suicidal because of them. I also counsel people newly diagnosed with HIV or AIDS. I provide this service for free as these people can not afford the $200-300 per session.
I know have 87 people on my list and not a one of them posts when they are out shopping for shoes, or where they are eating lunch/dinner. ha ha ha
Bless you brother, I have been at that point in my life. When my life started into complete collapse there were a few there to keep me from "checking out". I am a former commercial pilot (private and corporate aircraft) and flight instructor. Aviation was my passion in life and when that was gone, with no hope to return, I fell apart. The finances and struggle of watching it all fall apart with nothing I could do about it... it was and at times is still tough. I actually separated myself from social media (other than this forum) completely. I just couldn't handle hearing other whine about who did this or who said that etc...
Bless you for what your doing for others! It's pretty awesome.
Thought provoking piece. I think our use of social media and our experiences with ‘friends’ is divergent. I distinguish between people I consider friends and my trusted there-for-me-and-I-for-them inner circle.
My social media ‘friends’ list is made up of some of my inner circle, some family, some friends and some acquaintances. Not all the important people in my life participate in social media. I don’t care that not everyone on this list would come to my rescue because I have enough true friends and caring family that would. My ‘friends’ list isn’t huge either.
A lot of people I ‘talk’ to only via social media are work friends that moved back to their native country or somewhere else in the U.S. It’s fun to keep up with how they are doing. If they are ever back in town, we use social media to arrange to meet up. And yes, I do know a lot about these people and care what happens in their lives. When you work closely with people over many months and years on intense projects, you get to know each other as people beyond just colleagues. At least in my world you do.
Social media is just a tool in my tool kit. I understand it’s limits and what it brings to my life. I’m not hung up on the label ‘friends list’ because I define it for myself and how I use it. I don’t post lies about myself or others. I can’t be bothered to do that nor does anyone that I call a friend do that.
I love the way social media can keep me connected to all types of friends and family, particularly since I live states and countries away from my favorite people. I have a ton to keep up with and it’s easier this way.
I guess I’m selective and don’t have people on FB I don’t know or at least don’t know of...but as to your questions, I can’t answer some of those about my own family 🤷♀️ nor them me, and it’s not because any of us are selfish aholes. At least I don’t think we are!
For this site, I also feel I have some solid friends here.
I can still that I agree with everything you’re saying. I’m finding it easier to be closer to family and friends with the help of the messaging software available. It has allowed me to reconnect with people I lost touch with but really cared for in the past. Our lives go at such a faster pace these days, I find comfort in just getting a quick nudge from someone so we can talk.
I’m sorry you are in pain right now, and even though I don’t know you, I actually care about what you’re going through.
I agree, we'd have to be selective with our social media, I count on this forum as my friends & Family, cuz they're soo very supportive💗💚💙👍👍😎😁😘😍😀💝📦 Such a very Blessed gift to have! Love Ya!---Jazz🌹💜
I do consider my peeps friends and Im grateful I can use social media but get what you mean.Recently I listened on You tube a gent by the name of Collin Kartchner #savethekids.
he talks to young and old about technology and exactly what you talk about, the no feeling etc behind the service...how we talk at not with people and find it harder and harder to actually engage one on one.Adults kids alike.ty again.
I wouldn't expect any online "friendship" to be more than what it is--an exchange of online messages, maybe a photo or two. In rare cases there have been an exchange of addresses and some snail-mail communication, even a couple of calls. Twice I have actually met online "friends" in person but had the feeling it was something the people (who also had MS) felt they "ought" to do, not so much something they really much wanted to do. I could be wrong about that though.
Preach 🎉
I’ve always thought that the purpose of social media is to pretend that people have a lot of friends. And they don’t need the rest of them for anything so that people are pretty much disposable you can find someone to chat with you on Facebook.
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