Do you ever feel like you just simply, one day, retire from life and shut donw, and crawl back in your tiny cave to escape reality, and the having to expend enery to keep going when you are already out of gas in the tank of your mind and body? If you haven;t, you haven't lived with MS long enough! My journey of seeeing 18 doctors in 18 months, with each one giving me another diagnosis, another label, another prescription or worse, send me to another specialist has come to an abrupt hall. Something popped (I think it was the fighter in me, the find-the-research-and find a clue me, the writer of drama and comedy, or compassion and experiences) in my head, and I think I popped right out of my head and went somewhere else. Probably to that new black hole the scientists found that has the energy of 800 million suns, thinking maybe it would let me have just one of those suns to give me back my passion, my purpose, my love of life, and ready-to-try-anything attitude! But, as usual, with my most unfortunate, mostly struggling, comorbidities (don't you just love that word?!) list that keeps growing with each visit to a new doctor. But, as for our treatments, who are we to question the mighty doctors who offer a solution with a new prescription? Aug. 1 I quit 15 of my 19 medications; many new doctors since then, I am back up to 10. Ever read the book "Two steps forward, one step backwards?" It is very inspirational, but thanks to the docs I am going 2 steps forward and 3 steps backward! so, begonning 1/1/18, I am elimination 3/4 of my doctors I have been sent to visit. My latest label, comorbidity, is that my MS has progressed to dementia. so I will write when I am "lucid." Another interesting word. Comorbidities. Lucid. "Can you take care of your personal needs?" - I am so tired of being asked that question, YES, I CAN CLEAN UP AFTER A BM MYSELF AND CAN WASH MY HAIR ONE WEEK! i DO NOT NEED TO BE PUT AWAY IN THAT BLACK HOLE! I refuse to go in a nursing home. I saw how each of my parents were treated, (about like me in the mental ward for week), and I will die first. So, dementia, gastritist, eophaygalitis, chronic myositis myalgia, hip bursitis, polymyalgia rheumatic (my cormorbidity list is longer than my grandkids Christmas list!) (have I been naughty -or are these new dianogsis just to see if I will "curse God an die?" Thankfully, I have a more Godly man of faith than Job had for a wife!, And I believe in the scriptures, that repeatedly remind us that "through suffering Christ was made perfect" that He might be our perfect sacrifice (Hallelujah for Christmas!) So, I suffer on, like a good girl would, so I will please my Father. Can't wait to meet my MS forum family in Heaven someday! Maybe we could keep our orange bracelets to identify each other! jimeka and all our group! Another appointment today! But come 1/1/18 my insurance changes and I am going to no doctors unless my bronchitis and asthma are almost at pneumonia stage, I mean, why not, my newest neurologist said there was no more treatments available for me for my MS, "so go manage your pain and your emotional disturbances somewhere else"!! Yep, feeling like Job here, but "man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble;" always been that way, always be that way until there is a NEW Earth and a NEW Heaven. Then I will be blessed a hundred fold, for "I'm on my way to Heaven, Hallelujah! This world is fading from my view; Oh, yes, I've made my vows to Jesus, my Redeemer, to Him, I'll evermore be true. I am called and faithful, sanctified with Jesus; I'll be among those that are made NEW." (That's the chorus of a song I wrote one time when I was "dwelling in Heavenly places with Jesus - I can do that when my thoughts and my soul are 100% given to Him). Am I will continue to laugh at whatever comes out of my mouth, like the other day, I said to my husband, "If you will wash the bathroom rugs, I will mow the yard." He said, WHAT? Of course, what I meant was if he would was the rugs, I would wash the floor. (my one chore of the day). We laughed a long time over that one. It's even better that "I love Lucy!" every day around here. (And, I almost forgot, a ghost has invaded our house and hides everything - our keys, our phones, my purse, my doctor's cards, my coffee - amazing what that stinker hides so quickly!) And I am so happy I was able to put up our tree one more year (even if I did play and pay! Next time I will post a picture of it! Brings so much cheer, almost as much as all the posts I read here. In case, I don't make it back by then, Merry Christmas to all and a peaceful New Year, with strength and joy to keep going and going, (like the pink bunny), keep swimming and swimming (as Dorie told Nemo), and let it (whatever the problem) GO as Miss Frozen said! "Let go and let God have His wonderful way," a chorus we sing at church.