Confused about my orientation. Please help!

[DreamCrush44]

I need support - advice welcome

Part 1: Before the Intrusive Thoughts

I never really wanted to get married as a child, partly because my parents argued a bit, and I was upset about that. Being disabled, I was also dependent on my parents for a long time, which might have impacted my view on relationships and marriage. I was shy and didn’t interact much with people, so forming connections was difficult.

Most of my crushes were fictional. I didn’t experience real-life crushes, but I did find myself liking some personalities, even though I never had strong romantic feelings toward them. I also got upset at Reddit when I saw men being talked down to—it made me lose faith in the idea of forming relationships with men altogether.

I found comfort in fiction. I enjoyed shipping characters and watching romance unfold in stories, even if those characters weren’t real. Sex scenes in media didn’t bother me either. I remember watching Squid Game and feeling intrigued by the dynamics of relationships and attraction, though I didn’t connect it to my own feelings at the time.

Part 2: The Trigger

I was planning to read BL, but I didn’t want to be misogynistic, so I decided to explore other perspectives. That’s when I came across an autobiography manga written by a lesbian. I related to some of the things in the book, and it made me panic—what if I was lesbian too? I didn’t even finish the manga, but the thought spiraled out of control. To reassure myself, I started looking up why lesbians love women and their kinks on Quora. Then, I read a GL manga (Asumi-chan is Interested in Lesbian Brothels), which made me even more anxious.

That’s when things got worse. I started looking at: Book covers of GL manga YouTube videos of women kissing Celebrities in sexy outfits Yuri porn on r34 AI girlfriend chatbots Lesbian dating apps I kept having intrusive thoughts about kissing or having sex with women just to “confirm” my orientation. I went down a rabbit hole, searching for answers on Reddit and Quora. My sister told me that sexuality is fluid, but then I saw other posts saying that’s a homophobic statement, and it confused me even more. I’m Muslim, so there could be societal pressure involved, but I’ve been deeply depressed—sometimes to the brink of tears. I’ve lost interest in drawing, learning Japanese, and my other hobbies. I don’t even care about men or relationships anymore. My entire routine is falling apart, and I feel like I’m losing myself. At first, I was having intrusive thoughts mainly at night, but then I started feeling “excited” by them—like I had an urge to smile, which terrified me. Sometimes, I felt indifferent, and that scared me even more. One time, I had an intrusive thought about kissing my friend, and I broke down crying in the surgery. Some of my thoughts felt so real—marrying women, kissing them in bikinis, touching them—and I couldn’t tell if they were intrusive or genuine anymore. I started testing myself: Looking up sexy pictures of women to see if I’d react Watching MasterChef Canada and noticing urges towards female contestants Watching Mr. Bean and feeling relief because the thoughts went away Doing online quizzes (like Wikihow’s “Am I a Lesbian?” quiz), which made me more anxious My therapist said I might have OCD, but that uncertainty made me panic. What if I don’t? What if I’m just in denial? I just want my old life back. If I stop these compulsions, will the thoughts go away?

Part 3: Am I Asexual? Aromantic? More Doubts

Now, I’ve been on Citalopram (10mg) for two weeks, and my emotions feel weird. Before taking the medication, I had an intrusive thought about whether I’d ever be able to marry. After watching a romance show, I started panicking about losing attraction to men or never wanting a relationship. I looked into asexuality and aromanticism on Reddit and ChatGPT, which made me even more nervous. I’ve never dated or had a crush, and now I’m scared I’ll never be able to love someone. Am I ace? Am I aromantic? I feel like I’ve lost all control over my thoughts and emotions. I’m either anxious, indifferent, or feeling something that makes me uncomfortable. Am I desensitized? Am I actually into women? Is this just HOCD?

I don’t know who I am anymore, and I just want to feel normal again. If anyone has gone through something similar, please help. I’m exhausted.

I asked Chatgpt, Deepseek , and Pi ai about it and they give me different answers depending on the situation e.g. sometimes chatgpt says that just because you don't have a crush, it doesn't mean you are ace or aro and I could be a late bloomer but other times it says I am ace or aro because I didn't experience a crush before. Deepseek on the other hand, keeps saying I am a late bloomer regardless of what I say so I don't know.

[deValentin]

Not all undesirable possibilities are disturbing. It’s possible you may have a heart attack or die in a car accident today, but that possibility doesn’t have to be disturbing. If you have regular medical checkup and drive carefully, there is no reason to fear those possibilities and there are good reasons to have faith in the future. You just learn to live with a certain degree of uncertainty. That’s the price to pay if one wants to function reasonably well in life. The alternative is to spend one’s time worrying about all the possibilities of harm and be miserable the rest of one’s life. That may even increase the risk of harm because of stress and diminished concentration capacities.

In your case, it seems that you’re being disturbed by all kind of possibilities (Am I asexual? Am I gay? Am I a late bloomer? etc.). Maybe it’s because you seek absolute certainty in regard to your sexual orientation, can’t find it, but persist in seeking it hoping against hope it may eventually bring you some relief.

What about stopping to seek perfect clarity in that domain? It won’t always be easy, but if you do, you’ll notice after a while that you’re able to tolerate a certain degree of uncertainty in that domain. Then, with a fresh, clear and more confident mind you may be better able to solve your problem, that is, be reasonably certain of your sexual preferences and content yourself with a reasonable certainty. To be able to form a well-founded opinion in that matter may take some time and firmness of mind.

“People who insist on seeing with perfect clearness before they decide, never decide” (Henri-Frédéric Amiel).

[Sallyskins]

There is a regrettable habit that has recently arisen of labelling sexualities. Before it was just straight, gay or lesbian, or bisexual. Now all sorts of new varieties have been added - 'ace', 'aro' etc. I haven't a clue as to what most of these are!

Give the Citalopram a go - it's normal to feel a bit weird on these medications at first. They take some getting used to and for the first four to six weeks you're almost bound to feel a bit disorientated. Let the medication settle down first.

It sounds as though you've been living in your head for quite a while. This is understandable, as OCD, natural shyness and a disability can leave you isolated. I think it would be good if you could get out more, just to mix more with other people and make friends.

That's not to say that you can't have a fantasy life as well! But it should be as well, not instead of real life!

Try to let your sexuality take care of itself. It sounds as though you are very confused and still trying to find out who you are. Let any feelings of attraction for other people open out of their own accord, and you'll find your own direction. Don't obsess about whether you fancy men or fancy women, or whether you're capable of fancying anyone at all.

The more you go over it in your mind , the more doubts you will have. That's typical of OCD. Don't insist on trying to label your feelings - they're mostly just made up by people who don't know what they're talking about.

Feelings of sexual attraction usually depend on there being someone there for you to be attracted to. These feelings can hit you immediately, or take a bit longer. In other words, you can fancy someone straight off, or you can fancy them once you get to know them better.

It can help to learn how to flirt. Sexual attraction is often initiated or heightened by an exchange of tiny signals that go back and forth between two people. And this can be helped along by flirting.

Stop the googling of am-I-straight/am-I-a-lesbian websites. They only muddy the waters and confuse you. Don't try to force yourself to feel attraction or not feel it. Don't monitor your responses. Just let it blossom naturally.

Something that you can do - go back to your hobbies. Learn Japanese, draw (join a class, perhaps) - and recover the interest you had in these. They may get you out of the house, distract you, inspire you!

[Weeping_Willow in reply to Sallyskins]

I am with you on what you stated. The woke movement has complicated everything to the point of ridiculousness.

I can't imagine being a teenager (or even younger now) feeling that I have to have a very exact label on how I feel. Sadly a lot of kids have come from bad family dynamics or have low self-esteem. Many have borderline personality disorder or autism which has been shown to be a 'risk' factor for being trans (it wasn't in the past). These communities become a kids surrogate family and are so about affirming no matter what.

I know that there have always been those who are straight, gay, bisexual and transgender (they have a disorder known as sexual dysphoria and many of the more straight-laced trans admit this and they are happy that they got the help they needed and found that, for them, transitioning was the treatment that worked and I love and fully support their choice).

But nowadays if you like something that has been socially recognised as being for men or for women then they make you question whether you identify as a different gender.

This makes me sad as someone who grew up hating dolls and girlie things. I always played with action men, toy cars, train sets. I was into maths and science and nature. I would watch football (UK soccer) with my dad. I used to go to antique military fairs with him too. If I had been young now and had different parents, I would have been very confused from an early age and I know with being someone with anxiety I would have been questioning everything.

My advice to the OP would be to not worry so much about labels. In regards to becoming aroused, sometimes that happens when the mind sees something different to what they would normally do and so even arousal isn't always a sign of being attracted to it in 'real life'.

So just be you. Find joy in things you like to do. Build relationships with people (in regards to platonic) and one day you will find that you have a different connection to someone and that person may be 'the one'. Embrace that. Worrying about this is like having intrusive thoughts that make you wonder whether they are truly who you are, but we know that not all thoughts are of our nature. My intrusive thoughts are often things that I don't want to think. They are abhorrent to my nature (this is not to say yours are but I just wanted to point out that thoughts come and go and not all of them are from our nature of what we like or don't like).

[Sallyskins in reply to Weeping_Willow]

I agree - each of us has a sex, male or female, and there are many ways of being that sex. I don't hold that there are children 'born in the wrong body'. True, deep gender dysphoria is very rare, but now children are being labelled as 'trans' because they don't fit in with 'traditional' stereotypes. Let kids be kids!

As a girl I didn't much care for dolls either. In fact at one point I gave all my dolls away apart from two, one being a boy doll (I still have him!) I much preferred toy cars and longed for a chemistry set. That said, I also liked embroidery and needlework! It didn't occur to me that I had to choose one or the other - and fortunately my parents were happy to let me have both!

I think sex stereotypes have hardened - little girls are expected to have anything from scooters to school bags pink and mauve and covered with glitter. Some girls don't want that, and it's a pity if they're led to assume they must be 'trans'. Similarly, boys are still expected to act the 'hard man' - it's not fair on them.

Let kids accept their own bodies as they are, instead of hating themselves, and let them choose what interests them, whether it's sports, or crafting, or anything else - and not feel they have to conform.

This labelling of sexualities is so confusing. 'Pansexual', 'demisexual', 'aromantic' - there are countless other labels. It's enough to make your head spin. I think it's best to let your sexuality take care of itself - as long as it's all consensual and doesn't involve children. I once asked someone what 'demisexual' meant and I was told it meant only having sex with people you're attracted to! Isn't that most of us, or am I wrong there?

[Weeping_Willow in reply to Sallyskins]

Exactly!!! And it is causing so much more harm than good. XO and yes, I meant 'gender dysphoria' rather than sexual dysphoria. I knew the correct term so not sure why I mis-typed it.

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello - I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but what you're describing sounds like text book OCD. The panic; The googling; the need for an answer immediately. These are all typical symptoms of people who have the disease.

When I was younger I had trouble with HOCD and it would bother me intensely that I was attracted to my friends. However, now that I'm older I know that these thoughts are very silly. I don't know how old you are, but being a young adult can be very scary and confusing at times. The good news is that this will sort itself out in time. Wisdom is gained only after making hundreds (if not thousands) of mistakes.

What's important to remember is that OCD tells you the opposite about yourself. It makes you doubt and question the core values of yourself. Your "true" self knows that these are lies, but since you cannot get 100% certainty OCD always finds a way to weasel in. If you do have OCD it's important to find someone who specializes in treating it. OCD requires a different type of treatment than talk therapy. Typically that is ERP in which you invoke the OCD (gradually over time) and allow yourself to just "be" with it. By allowing yourself to have the OCD thoughts/feelings, and not performing the associated compulsions, you gradually train your brain that what you're experiencing is not a threat. This will reduce the intensity and frequency of OCD events.

Also, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. It sounds like you are really struggling with this. Remember though you don't have to overcome this immediately in this moment. Take each one as it comes. The future will be what it needs to be and worrying about it or trying to force it doesn't make it come any faster. I really hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. God bless you.