Hi all, been with partner almost two yrs.
He is 8 yrs younger than me.
I never feel like a priority . He wouldn’t drop everything (like I would for him) if he needed me.
If I bring it up…. He squashes my feelings as ridiculous. Saying I’m a big child and immature and ridiculous.
Am I being ridiculous? Am I pathetic? Am I just damaged and need too much reassurance .
Mind spinning and don’t know what to do. Xx
Hannah, I am sorry you feeling this way. Has you partner ever told you that your damaged outwardly or are they just your thoughts The reassurance piece isn't not helpful, but I feel there can be ways for our loved ones to understand, be compassionate without giving reassurance. There are on family members and loved ones with ocd which can be found on the International ocd foundation website.
Thank you for your response x
He has said I need help . Which I am having CBT and. Currently having regular sessions.
I’m so tired of feeling scared all of the time.
I don’t want to live my life having physical symptoms that trigger brain and brain that trigger physical symptoms. I’m sick of it.
I had an extreme episode from severe stress a min February this year and I’m petrified of ever feeling that bad again: I could easily have ended my life . The k my this that stopped me was the thought of how devestated and traumatic it would be for my children. I can’t bare that thought. But it took everything in me not to end it all. I mean….. 3 days and nights of absolute hell. Clinging to my sanity by a literal thread. Couldn’t eat couldn’t sleep couldn’t relax couldn’t keep off toilet couldn’t think straight boiling hot then shivering cold . Honestly thought I would be hospitalised or end up not alive anymore! My kids were the ONLY thing that got me through.
Now, if I feel rejected or like I’ve done something wrong I get those symptoms again…. Not as bad but it happens . Especially if I don’t feel like a priority. Heard or loved.
Am I completely messed up?
Xx
Could this be Relationship OCD?
Hi , thank you l for responding . I’ve never heard of relationship OCD. I’ll have to research it . I’ll have a read. Thank you x
You’re welcome. I don’t if it fits what you’re dealing with or not. Just raising the possibility.
No - not ridiculous or pathetic at all, and although I can't say much about your relationship, not knowing the details, I think it's worth pointing out a couple of things.
First of all, although a partner is a priority, that doesn't mean you don't have other priorities. Life is often a compromise - an attempt to balance competing priorities.
That means you can't expect him to drop what he's doing for you, no matter what. And it also means that you shouldn't be at his beck and call, ready to drop what you're doing for him. It's about deciding what is an immediate 'need' and what can wait. Don't fall into the trap of making yourself too available to him and forgetting that you have other things that need doing.
The gap of eight years isn't that enormous, but I sense that you might be feeling insecure about it. I don't know if he really neglects your needs and feelings, but try to think about whether you're demanding too much attention from him - if it's more about your own insecurity or his neglect.
I'm not saying that's the case - not at all! If he really doesn't make you one of his top priorities then you need to ask if he's worth staying with - and only you can make that call!
It does sounds as though he denigrates your feelings - no one should tell a partner that they're a big child, or immature, or ridiculous.
It's a big thing to break up with a partner of two years, and obviously I can't tell you what is the right thing to do, but remember that couples need a little space for themselves - don't be too ready to put his demands before your own wishes and needs, and don't accept abusive behaviour, including verbal put downs.
Hello, thank you for replying. I have actually taken a picture of your response to refer back to in moments when I’m struggling .
I don’t know why I feel the need to be his number one priority. As if he can’t love me as much as he says he does if I’m not his number one priority!
Then, when I may loose him - the fear and panic I get in my tummy and my head makes my head spin and I feel like I’m going to have and extreme episode of panic or what I imagine psychosis type symptoms to feel like!!
I don’t know why I react like this.
There has been trauma where I’ve lost someone from sudden illness. Overnight. A loved one. Plus my parents were both emotionally absent throughout my childhood! Was left alone a lot . Never heard. Children were to be seen and not heard. Never put first or anywhere really. Was kept alive clothed fed …. Basic needs met but nothing more than that.
Is there something wrong with me!!
I have CPTSD panic disorder anxiety disorder OCD - intrusive thoughts, depression on/off.
I’m sick of feeling so scared of loosing my partner. Plus , I want to feel ok to be on my own if it doesn’t work out too. I have two amazing children that rely on me.
I don’t want to feel scared . I want to feel strong, capable, confident and safe. Not borderline psychosis .
Thank you for reading/listening everyone xx
That really does explain a lot, and why you want to be your partner's number one priority. Losing someone suddenly is going to affect you deeply. And childhood neglect leaves scars. Children need love and attention - not so much they can't breathe, but enough to know they are valued and loved. It makes for an emotionally secure adulthood.
It doesn't sound like you're psychotic - just insecure. But there's quite a lot you can do.
It sounds as though you could do with re-negotiating your relationship, so that you are on equal terms.
For a start, don't feel you have to jump up each time your partner wants something. Being there for him when necessary is one thing, and what he can expect, but you don't have to be at his beck and call. And he must appreciate that your children must be your number one priority.
Don't ask him for reassurance. But if he really neglects your feelings and needs, and refuses to listen to you or ignores you, don't feel that you are at fault, or that you have to be the one to fix it. It's true that many men aren't particularly demonstrative. A typical man will assume that his partner knows he loves her and that he doesn't have to spell it out. Having said that, it is nice to have a few touchy-feely expressions of love.
It sounds like you've been through a lot. Medication can often help, if you're not taking it already. Some people don't like meds but I've found it helps me. Often traumatic experiences cause one's brain's chemistry to go a bit off, and medication can help to remedy this. I'm glad that you're getting CBT - it can make a big difference too. I also found Paul Gilbert's book Overcoming Depression a help.
Don't demand too much of yourself - it's easy to let other people's wants crowd your own needs out, and you find yourself giving so much of yourself that there isn't much left over for you. Try not to worry about losing your partner - I know just how it feels myself. Just remember that you deserve to get something out of this relationship too.
Hello again, thank you so much for replying again . I’ve screenshot this msg too. I do hope you do t mind.
Im also awaiting assessment for adhd and mental health nurse thinks I could have something called RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) that can come hand in hand with undiagnosed adhd.
I have been through a lot and the fact I’m still standing and still alive is proof of my strength . In those moments of extreme panic and distress……. I cannot remember that.
My partner isn’t the needy one. I am.
But in order to show my love and dedication ….. I do jump and go above and beyond no matter what. I don’t always receive what I give back.
I’d drop everything if he needed me in an emergency….. I don’t think he would. That’s scares me .
Also scared that in the last few years, since divorcing kids dad and having a domestically advice relationship straight after….. that I too could be guilty of not always being emotionally available to my children and that kills me! So scared incase they suffer as I have. I show them lots of love and affection but also sometime get very overwhelmed and let go of the boundaries. I’d never forgive myself if they turned out messed up like me . I’d never emotionally abandon them all together obviously but there are times I have to switch off because I cannot take anymore and the first two years after divorce - are a blur and I worry I wasn’t emotionally ally available to them as I was so caught up with everything else.
They will always be my number one. So scared incase one day , my head takes over and nothing is enough to keep myself alive. They are my absolute universe. It was my daughter at 17months who had two strokes and brain damage. She is alive and I’m forever grateful however, the little girl I had before the strokes and brain injury was not the little girl that came home with us weeks later. It felt like she had became unalive. That a brand new child came home with us that had to do everything all over again in recovery. I never have gotten over it. I still hold myself responsible now to some degree. I should have listened to my gut and taken her to hospital and not been naive enough to listen to the three different gps we took her too in the days leading up to it.
I feel so damaged. So jealous of my partners tight close family and jealous that he doesn’t feel lonely when he isn’t with me. It hurts he doesn’t feel the need to be in my presence to feel safe.
I'm exhausted from feeling like this. I truly am.
I don’t to waste anymore of my life feel g like this. I want to feel safe secure and happy and be in the present with my babies.
I’m in venlafaxine and pregabalin . Psychiatrist won’t change or add any other meds. Says it’s correct combo for CPTSD and panic disorder etc xx
Please don't blame yourself for your daughter's condition. It's not common knowledge that strokes do happen to children but they sometimes do, and it's certainly not your fault that it wasn't diagnosed at once. I don't know if you know about the Children's Trust in Tadworth, Surrey - they're relatively local to me, but they do help children all over the country - perhaps they've already helped your daughter, but in case you haven't heard of them, here's a link. They deal with brain-injured children, including stroke victims.
I'm sure that you're a good mother - and don't beat yourself up about how much you're there for your children. Of course they're your priority, but you need and deserve a life outside as well. All parents do! In fact, you're doing the right things to help them turn out well in not making the same mistakes your parents made with you.
It's all too easy to think you have to prioritize your partner to the extent of being always ready to drop what you're doing to help him. It's a sort of over-compensation - thinking the more you do for him the more he'll value you. But if he loves you (and it sounds as though he does) then he won't demand such total devotion!
It's about give and take - and if you give of yourself so unstintingly, you'll just exhaust yourself without getting the reassurance you want. I've been known to do this as well in relationships as well, though in others areas of my life I'm only too ready to stand up for myself!
I too have felt the need for a partner in order to feel 'complete' - though that is not the case. Each of us is as 'complete' as we need to be as individuals, and it's healthy to connect with others outside a relationship. A good relationship should not mean that you are all-in-all to one another, but that you're better together than apart. I don't know if you have a good network of friends and family, but try to cultivate one. Other mothers at your children's school, get to know your partner's close knit family so you become one of them, etc.
And give yourself a chance to heal. That's such a lot that you've been through - emotional neglect in childhood, divorce, your daughter's illness - I'm not surprised if you feel like you've been a punch bag!
I too can be abnormally afraid of rejection - if that is what rejection sensitive dysphoria is. As a child I was extremely shy and afraid to approach anyone - though I've lost the shyness I'm still reluctant to foist myself on others in case they reject me.
So try to give yourself a break - don't feel that you are failing your children or your partner if you can't be at their beck and call, whether they beck and call you or not. It sounds as though you have lots to give - just hold a little back for yourself and take care of yourself.
And do feel free to come on here - for help, for emotional bolstering, or just to vent.
Is your therapist a erp specialist/ Acceptance Commitment Specialist so important?Hannah you not messed up you have a condition think of someone having diabetes....with the proper professional supports and peer support you can manage ocd.... one step at a time. I used to think I would never get to a place were I can manage Ocd or enjoy life again. I have a daughter as well as a husband and definitely wasn't easy for them seeing me struggle and my husband had to learn not to reassure through therapy. Couple of suggestions I was given when I was at one of my lowest points in order to talk care of another I have first talk care of me so I can have the strength to care of another. .I was told to turn things around would you let another say the things you say to you. I was handed a great book Self Compassion by Kristen Neff and also I love the book Stop the noise in your head, Stop Obsessing, Freedom from Ocd and when a Family Member has Ocd. They should be list on the iocdf site under books and media. I member as,when list the support groups as well as special interests the website should be listed on the page..I am so glad you didn't attempt hurt yourself if you ever feel that way again please call the 24 hot line or go to the crisis center. I have a daughter and a spouse it definitely affects the whole family. Your family needs you....Hananah just know Individuals with Ocd are braver and more resilient then they realize, and are empathic and sometimes I are too smart for there own good lol
I am here to support you as a peer/advocate
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