HARM TOC

[vencedora]

É normal quem tem TOC ter pensamentos suicidas e homicidas com quem mais amamos? Sofro demais com tais pensamentos, sinto uma angustia que me devora.

[deValentin]

I'd like to respond to your message. Unfortunately, I don't speak Portuguese. Is it possible to write it in English? Don't worry about making mistakes. My English isn't perfect either.

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

Is it part of someone with OCD to have suicidal and homicidal thoughts about those we love most? My only symptoms are these and I suffer too much with these thoughts, I feel an anguish that devours me.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to vencedora]

Yes. these can be themes of OCD. OCD can attack anything a person values and the person ends up trying to seek certainty about it. The thoughts, urges or images are ego-dystonic which means they go against your values which is what makes them distressing. The good news is that thoughts don’t equal actions. They’re just thoughts.

[vencedora in reply to Natureloverpeace]

I try to fix it in my memory, which are just thoughts, I think that's why they always appear because I want to get rid of them so much.

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

Harm OCD is the obsessional fear of causing harm to self or loved ones. It's not based on evidence or common sense. Because we think it's possible and we don't trust ourselves, then we think it's probable. This false probability arouses a lot of anxiety in us. I understand how you feel ("an anguish that devours me").

It's a vicious cycle. The more we want to be sure we're non-violent, the more doubts come to our mind because our imagination is boundless, the more we worry, and the more we want to eliminate all doubts because the thought of causing harm is horrific to us.

The solution, when a doubt pops into your mind about the possibility of committing a violent act, is not to seek quick reassurance. It's tempting because seeking quick reassurance provides temporary relief, but, in the end, it gives credibility to your irrational doubts. Instead, try to find a more sustainable way to get reassurance, even if it takes longer. For instance, keep living as normal, and you'll eventually realize that you're reasonably trustworthy like most of us.

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

It's a very bad feeling, the thought comes ordering me to harm them which will bring me relief, and then comes the pain and anguish of having these thoughts. When I look at the people I love most, it hurts so much to even think about hurting them.

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

What about refusing to give unwanted intrusive thoughts any meaning? I'm non-violent, but the thought of pushing a pedestrian into the traffic or doing something contrary to my values came before in my mind. I just don't give heed to them and keep behaving normally. What makes those thoughts sticky is often the attempt to suppress them directly. Are you trying to consciously suppress your awful thoughts?

It looks like you're at war with yourself. The more you beat up on yourself, the worse you feel, the less peaceful will be your thoughts, the more tortured your conscience will be, and so on. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to live up to certain standards. Carry out some OCD-free activities, and as you start to find enjoyment in them, happier thoughts will naturally come to your mind. It takes time and efforts, but it's worth it in the end.

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

I try not to think about this kind of thing and it only gets worse. And the worst thing is that the images come into my head as iI were doing it, it's a feeling as if they were ordering me to do it, my biggest fear is that I won't be able to have control over such bad thoughts.

[deValentin]

Your subconscious, seat of impulses, or limbic system, whatever you want to call it, is full of contradictions. As you say, it pushes you to harm your loved ones, or to think/imagine about harming them (thoughts don’t equal actions, as Natureloverpeace said earlier), and, at the same time, tortures you because of those horrific thoughts or feelings that come to your mind. It doesn't make sense. It's why you can't blindly submit to your subconscious impulses. Your prefontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for higher-level cognitive functions like planning, decision-making, and self-control, has a role to play to put some order in your mind..

You can’t fight your subconscious thoughts or impulses directly of course, it’s useless, but you need to be tough with them, not let them run the show, so to speak, and prevent you from living the life you really want to live. Your subconscious will eventually give in to your demands, and leave you reasonably alone. This is the essence of exposure and response prevention, or ERP, that usually shows good results in treating OCD.

"My biggest fear is that I won't be able to have control over such bad thoughts". I understand how you feel. You lost trust in yourself and your intentions, you have a sensitive conscience, so you're afraid. What can you do to regain trust in yourself? If, for instance, you have a car accident, and you lose trust in your safety on the road, what do you do to regain some confidence? You drive again. Likewise, you need to try to have a normal life again, in spite of the initial difficulties.

To live a normal life again, you need to stop ruminating about the possibility of harming others. I know it's not easy because you may think that if you stop worrying about it, you increase chances for the worst-case scenario to happen. Actually the opposite will happen. If you stop overworrying about the possibility of harming others, you'll be happier, happier thoughts will come to your mind, and you'll able again to focus on what you really value in life. You need to try it in order to believe it.

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

Thank you very much for your words, talking to you gives me relief and peace. I will try to put into practice the tips you gave me.

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

You’re welcome. If you have other questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

One last thought. People suffering from bulimia have, in some respects, an experience similar to yours. The same subconscious that drives them to eat inordinate amount of food in a short amount of time pushes them to berate themselves and feel ashamed to an extreme degree afterwards. In both stages, they feel at the time that they can’t help themselves.

In my opinion, you’re not a dangerous individual. You’re just a person who has a hard time managing thoughts, images, feelings, or urges that are contradictory over time, not in the domain of food, but in the domain of “shocking thoughts”.

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

You're right, I'm not a bad person, I've never hurt anyone and just having these thoughts with the people I love most tortures me. Thank you very much!

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

That's right, suffering from harm OCD isn't a sign of ill-intent. You're just confusing imagined possibilities of causing harm with real probabilities of doing it because you may have, in that specific domain, a low self-confidence that predisposes you to imagine the worst. If you boost your self-confidence in that area by letting irrational fears die down on their own and taking steps towards a life in line with you real values, you should be doing better. It’s at least my experience, even if the domain of my fears was different.