I’m so lost regarding my son’s OCD compulsions

[2boys2girls]

I love my son with everything with me but I just can’t take his reassurance seeking anymore. He does his exposures for contamination OCD but he struggles so much afterwards. For example, he’ll touch something really gross as the exposure, than confess it and ask it’s ok to dig into my bowl of snacks on the table without washing his hands. How am I supposed to respond when I’m literally disgusted? I’ve tried telling him gently that I love him and I’m sorry he’s struggling, but I can’t answer because it’s not helpful to him. Sometimes he’ll accept this, but other times he’ll persist. I’m so repulsed sometimes. How do I respond? Just to be clear, he does this more often to his dad than me because his dad is easier to break. But when Dad’s not around, it’s all me. Mind you, my son is not a child who doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong; but he can’t trust himself. Ugh! My heart is broken; I don’t know what to do anymore😭😭

[deValentin]

OCD sufferers' feelings may be so contradictory. At certain times, they may feel the need to ask for excessive reassurance like your son is doing, even though a part of them knows it's going to make their OCD worse in the long run. At other times, they may regret doing it as they realize how much pain their OCD is causing themselves and their family.

Relatives of OCD sufferers may experience the same ambivalence. At certain times, they may feel under pressure to provide excessive reassurance to the OCD sufferer out of weariness or because they don't like to see a loved one suffer. At other times, when they see no progress in their loved one's therapy, they may regret their actions.

In my opinion, the only solution to that problem is accepting that one can't have everything life, and a tough choice sometimes has to be made. OCD therapy requires some efforts, but the efforts will pay off in the end. When you feel discouraged and are tempted to accommodate your son's OCD, you may need to look at the big picture and remind yourself the reasons why it's important to stick to your initial commitment.

In the past, I've been disturbed for a long period of time by the possibility that stopping my ruminations may make me miss some crucial information. I wrongly thought that my ruminations could help me solve my problem. At the time, I was investing a lot of time and efforts in making a piece of furntiure in wood and porcelain tiles. When my project was almost complete, I made a mistake that entirely ruined it because the tiles were irreversibly fixed to the wood. I was devastated for a while. How come the same brain would push me so hard to ruminate, and, at the same time, couldn't accept the natural consequence of that rumination, which is a diminished concentration and a higher probability of making errors? It's when I understood I couldn't trust all the messages that my brain was sending me, and that I needed to sort out which ones were important and which could reasonably be set aside.

PS: If you don't have OCD and your son's exposure to triggers and response prevention has an disgusting effect on you, I can't imagine what effect it has on him. Is he doing what you're describing as a way to tease you or to show he's been asked to do something that nobody in his right mind would do?

[Natureloverpeace]

Dealing with a family member’s excessive reassurance seeking can be very challenging and exhausting. Accommodating their reassurance seeking feeds their OCD as you already know but handling it needs to be done with the guidance of an OCD Specialist or it will probably backfire. The Family and Loved One’s OCD Support Group is the second Saturday of every month. This Saturday, Dec. 14th is the next one. It’s a virtual group and you can register by asking for the link to attend by sending an email to [e-mail]. Include the email address you would be attending by Zoom so your registration will be recognized by the platform. This Saturday, the guest speaker will be Jon Hirshfield with Sheppard Pratt. Jon is a top OCD expert and he will be discussing one of his books, When a Loved One has OCD. It’s a two hour group that starts out with Chris Trondsen, OCD Specialist interviewing a guest which will be Jon this Saturday. Then it opens up for people to ask questions by typing them into the chat. You can ask them anonymously or use your name. About a week after the group, you will receive by email a detailed list of resources discussed in the group.

[IStillHaveHope]

Your doing the right thing mom, even though it's hard.

Your son is doing something very difficult. He's facing the fears he's been avoiding for a long time (probably longer than he or you realize). In the beginning there will be a huge flare up of OCD symptoms and anxiety and this is normal. It may seem like he is not making any progress, but he is. He's quite literally rewiring his brain and that takes time. It is hard, but he needs to sit with the thoughts. Over time his brain will realize that this is not a big deal and they will happen less frequently and intensely.

For me, I knew I needed help once I realized how my OCD was affecting my family. I would ask my wife for reassurance. I had to reduce it over time. The point of ERP is to get right up to the edge of what you can handle and then to gradually push that edge further over time.

I'm not sure what he's touching that's disgusting, but as long as it wasn't dangerous (say touching feces or something) that maybe you could use it as ERP for your need of cleanliness It might help him to know that you are having similar feelings and are going to join him in his work too.

It does take a long time to see the benefits of ERP (at least for me). I think it took 3-6 months to see improvement (ERP with medication) and then got generally better over time. The beginning was hell though.

Have faith in the process mom. There are fits and stops and backsteps, but as long as the overall trend is forward he will get better.

Hope this helps some.