What if you swore on your life to do something or something bad would happen to a loved one?
It was a passing thought initially and you don’t think you committed to it, but you may have. You then do commit to it because a task you are putting off is such an easy one and you know you can do it.
You shouldn't be using anyone else’s name in vain but it’s either a way of getting yourself to do something you are otherwise putting off (which is also bad), or OCD’s way of getting you to do it?
You know it’s an irrational thought and then think logically and know you can’t be a slave to intrusive thoughts, even though it’s an easy task and you’ve really committed to doing it.
While you know nothing will happen if you don’t do the task, you had that thought and committed to it and in some ways it felt real. You then think logically and think you are doing stuff that you don’t need to do (copying every single sentence down in a foreign language you are learning, using every bit of spare paper to jot things down (even though you hate clutter and can jot things down on a computer, etc) and are starting to feel overwhelmed.
You get the same thought about doing other things that you are putting off but are not sure if you’ve committed to those or not.
You are then starting to question yourself and are telling yourself that you’ve committed to do lots of things, otherwise bad things will happen, but you don’t really know.
The list is piling up and you feel really dragged down. You left tasks so long because you don't want to face the list, that you don't really remember what you have and haven't committed to.
Therapists tell you it’s OCD and not to give in and don’t do the thing and you don’t, but then it makes it worse and the guilt is with you every second of the day.
You then say: “If I knew that would happen if I didn’t do it and a loved one got hurt, I would definitely do the thing.”
I can't move on from this, it's stopping me from progressing in my career and enjoying my life.
If it was such an easy task and it felt so real, why wouldn't I have just done it?
Does anyone else suffer from this? If so, have you challenged it, not done it and then felt worse?
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C_B_24
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Making senseless pledges is a compulsion. To stop doing compulsions as far as possible and unhesitatingly focus on normal activities is the only way to solve your dilemma, in my opinion. I know it won't be always easy, especially if one is ambivalent towards your compulsions, that is, one wants and doesn't want at the same time to do them.
It might be a compulsion at first, but then doubling down to absolutely make sure I do them because I feel bad I didn’t do the original ones is a bit different. If the tasks were so easy and things I wanted to do, why wouldn’t I just do them?
To incessantly ask yourself why "if the tasks were so easy and things I wanted to do, why wouldn’t I just do them" instead of engaging in normal activities is a compulsion. The solution is to stop asking yourself so many questions and make reasonable decisions without unnecessary delay. With habituation and good experiences, things will eventually get better.
I used to do a lot of that, although mine had a religious component (making promises to God, establishing consequences if I didn't do certain things). My OCD eventually moved on to other forms, and now with meds and therapy I am much better at recognizing it and not giving in to the compulsions, whatever they are at the moment.
Rumination and overthinking are compulsions, and the less you take OCD's bait by trying to figure this out, the better. You're likely to feel worse in the short term but better in the long term.
The "promises" affected all facets of life and potentially any action, big or small. I could be at my desk and somehow feel like I shouldn't use a blue pen, so I'd think "I won't use a blue pen today," and then that felt like some kind of holy oath that I couldn't violate without terrible consequences. Then I'd wonder "What did I mean by today--does it end at midnight, or 24 hours from now?" So I'd be "safe" by deciding not to use the blue pen for two full days. Then I'd worry that I'd forget and use it before the taboo was over, so I'd just throw the pen away. Then to be sure it was out of circulation, I'd take it out of the trash, destroy it, and throw it away again.
The process from getting the "feeling" that I shouldn't use the blue pen and the conscious decision to throw it away to be "safe" could happen in milliseconds and often felt involuntary, like I was promising something before I even knew what I was doing. Other times, it was more voluntary, but still typically in response to some unwanted, inexplicable, and nonsensical "feeling" that an otherwise neutral action was "bad."
Some other examples of things I "promised:"
-not eat between 2 and 4 pm, EST
-not travel certain roads to get to certain places, even when they were the most direct route
-always brush my teeth after breaklast, lunch, and dinner, no matter how inconvenient
-not sleep on my left side
-not use abbreviations
-not mail a letter the same day that I finished writing it (this was decades ago, when we wrote letters)
-not wear a hat on Sunday
-never visit the Texas gulf coast
-always carry the same full can of soda in my hiking pack (for years)
-never wear my one pair of socks with red threads in the toes
-always look up any word I didn't fully understand the meaning of
-thru-hike the Appalachian Trail at some point in my life
-never listen to certain tapes
-never sit down while putting on shoes
-always play three certain songs on the guitar every day
-never step on the threshold between the kitchen and the living room
-never plan a trip with a state road map (before GPS)
These were just a fraction of the "permanent" promises. There were many many more. In addition, on a daily basis, I would come up with more fleeting taboos, like not to step on a certain square of carpet at a particular moment, or not to eat a bite of bread before eating a bite of corn during a particular meal.
In writing this down, I am amazed I ever functioned (some people with worse OCD don't). At some point the rules became too confusing to even remember, and sometimes contradicted each other, making them impossible to follow. I also matured enough to realize that although I am Christian, all the rules had nothing to do with my genuine beliefs, and everything to do with the mental illness I had been diagnosed with. That knowledge didn't make it FEEL okay to start breaking the rules, but it did give me reason to THINK it was okay to do so, and eventually it felt okay too.
I would do the same but I would swear on my life I would do things otherwise something bad would happen to a loved one. Some were completely absurd, others were things I wanted to do but was holding off from doing because I catastrophise.
I was getting overwhelmed but I promised and I feel like I have to keep them. Why would I promise when I am putting a loved one in danger (even though I’m not). Why would I use their name in vain?
I would commit to things like:
Finishing a language exercise book.
Watching certain documentaries with my Dad. One I was halfway through and I promised I would finish watching it (even though I found it boring). I noted down the time I was at on it but didn’t bother to keep the paper safe, so now I will have to watch the whole thing again.
Reading books I have been bought because I feel bad getting rid of them if I don’t. Some I’m not interested in, others are about people I hate.
Keeping certain files for life and having to memorise all the phrases/facts on them. Facts about different countries. I hate clutter and want to clean up my files so I’m snookered. If I feel that strongly about the thought then I should just keep the file, it’s not a hard thing. If I don’t then it shows I don’t want to protect my loved ones.
I will practice Chinese characters on every square inch of that piece of paper to use it up but also not waste it.
Doing things in an illogical order.
Sometimes it’s a passing thought and I don’t know if I’ve really committed or if it’s was just a thought. Others I have doubled down on and said I won’t be beaten this time, I’ve promised to do it so I will.
It’s taking over my life. I’m overwhelmed at everything I feel I need to do. Some things I’ve forgotten and then others I’ve not done but it’s just made things worse.
It wasn’t so much the passing through at first, but the doubling down and committing to doing these things so I wouldn’t be beaten again by not doing what I’d said I’d do the first time.
I am on the highest dose of Venlafaxine and have had numerous bouts of therapy, none of which seem to work.
The consequences were sometimes eternal punishment, sometimes just a feeling that something was really wrong. Typical OCD stuff.
You might try a different med if the current one isn't working. Different people respond differently. Was your therapy ERP or ICBT or some other specific OCD therapy?
CBT and ERP. The doctor has said to stay on the Venlafaxine for now. They said that is to help with my mood and I need to work on the other stuff through therapy.
I know it’s a distorted thought process, but I don’t know why I’d have doubled down to do something so easy and then not do it when I’ve said I need to to protect a family member.
How did you overcome this? Did you ever double down to try and make sure you did something you were putting off? Like something you actually needed to get done rather than something that doesn’t make any sense?
It is easy to get tangled up in the compulsions so you are not sure whether you are doing something because of OCD or because you really want to do it. In those cases I would try to do what I naturally wanted to do and not overthink it.
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