Im relatively new here and I am struggle with terrible thoughts every day of my life. The thoughts i struggle the most with, revolve around something bad happening to my loved one´s, my mum my dad and my girlfriend. It feels like i can´t do anything I want or I can´t do something that remains for a long time otherwhise something bad will happen to them.
For example: I work in a puplic administration an have to sign a lot of letters I wrote. Or I have to sign new letters that enters the office. Because all the letters are going to be saved at the Registry forever, each of my signatures have to be perfect. And I must have a wright feeling when I´m signing and I need to not think a false thought when I´m signing or writing.
Otherwise I have to redo the action until ist feels Right or I have a good thought of the future of my loved ones. I have to write the same thing over and over again I have to follow the letters with the pen until they nearly break through the Paper. I can´t stopp It whereas when I´m not in this moment of threat it feels so bizzar! If I dont do it I get a lot of anxiety an distress.
And now It gets really bizzar and weird:
Each Letter have to be perfect, because they are still there in the Registry when my loved ones are going to die in an undefined future. And so if I write the word wrong or get a false thought while writing or signing may loved ones can´t got to heaven. And ist my fault.
I have to write everthing "right" that they can go tho heaven. Thats so weird and shamefull but it is my daily struggle.
It is the same thing, every time I want to do something which last for a longer time, or which I like.
Till now i have been relatively productive but it is so hard to fight each day.
Guess this is also a subtybe of OCD? Does anyone other suffer because of the same here?
I hope my english ist not too bad an wish you all a nice weekend.
Written by
tk84
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Hi tk84 - what you describe sounds very similar to something I did when I was in 5th or 6th grade (I'm in my 40s now). I have had a lifelong issue with scrupulosity or 'religious OCD,' where I feel like even the most neutral action is wrong. At one time I had a whole system of rules I had to live by -- had to brush my teeth a certain way, couldn't drive certain roads, couldn't use certain abbreviations or words, the list was immense. At times it was really crippling, because I thought that if I didn't follow these arbitrary rules, I or someone would be punished.
My writing issue as a kid was that any word I wrote had to end with a stroke pointing up, so even a letter like "t" or "o" had to have a little curl added on that pointed toward the top of the page. My fear was based on the idea that heaven was 'up' and the 'other place' was down, so I had to end on an 'up.' I still have a few papers I wrote in those days and they look pretty ridiculous. But like you said, at the time it caused me incredible distress if I didn't keep the rule.
I don't remember how I got over the writing problem, because it went away long before I got on medication, did behavior therapy, or even understood much about OCD. I guess it just went away on its own. I can tell you how I would handle it now, though, and how I got over my other 'religious rules.' Maybe you can do something similar depending on what your actual (not OCD-caused) religious beliefs are (or aren't).
In my case, I am Christian, and eventually I recognized that my system of rules and restrictions really had nothing to do with Christianity. In fact they got in the way of me developing a real relationship with God, because I was too busy keeping all my own self-imposed rules. Of course the rules still FELT important, but with OCD you have to recognize that your OCD fears are always going to FEEL important. If you wait for them to NOT feel important, you may wait a very long time.
So I eventually 'explained' to God that I believed all the rules I'd come up with were really the result of mental illness and I was going to ignore and violate them in order to get well. If I was wrong, I asked God to forgive me, but I explained that I really believed all the information pointed to the fact that I had a mental disorder and the right thing to do was to try to get over it. So I began breaking my rules, not all at once, but one or two at a time, and even though I felt wrong and sinful at first, I eventually was able to easily do most everything that once felt taboo. At this point, I only remember a few of the rules, and it seems silly that I ever followed them.
From a psychological perspective I was basically doing ERP (exposure and response prevention), which is generally recognized as the most effective behavior therapy for combating OCD. If you're not familiar with it, you should look it up and maybe get a few self-help books or contact a therapist to help you implement it to address your problem. Basically you will need to make a firm, rational decision that your fears of harming others by your writing are false fears, no matter how real they seem in the moment. It sounds like you already recognize that on some level. Then you would try signing your name once, like a normal person, and not going back and redoing it no matter how wrong it feels. Remember, it WILL feel wrong, but in your rational moments you've already decided it's NOT wrong. Your OCD is just giving you a false alarm.
This is of course easier said than done, and the distress will be high when you first begin. Your challenge will be to not give in to the compulsion (redoing the signature), even if you feel terrible for not doing it. If you just sit with the anxiety for a few minutes or maybe even hours, it will lessen. The point is to get used to the anxiety, and next time it will not be as bad. If you work at it, eventually you will not feel anxious at all when you sign like a 'normal person.'
This works best if you challenge your anxiety gradually rather than all at once. So maybe in the beginning make it a goal to write just one signature a day without redoing it, even if it makes you very anxious. And EXPECT to feel anxious, but try to ignore it -- you've already decided that, rationally, the way you sign your signature doesn't REALLY hurt anyone, it's just a very false alarm that feels very real.
If you can't seem to make any progress, try to see a therapist and consider getting medication. I take an SSRI that helps control my OCD with no real side effects. It makes behavior therapy easier. Just don't go for years with this problem, because it is not that unusual (among us OCD types) and the treatment should be straightforward. It just takes work.
mothfir thanks for your answer.. it helps alot to see others have similar issues. and the tipps for doing erp, especially the tipp with the firm desicion..
im a christian too. and therefore it takes my most important values..
thanks for your time to wright such a long helpful answer.. i read it nearly every day.. it is necessary to get the concept that it WILL FEEL wrong and I WILL BE ANXIOUS even it is a false alarm.. until now I worked hard to surpress my wrong feelings and anxiety.. I guess that is the problem why i didnt get better..
I am glad it has been helpful! The OCD thoughts feel so real it can be very hard to ignore them. I often catch myself 'believing' them and trying to rationalize them away. They always come back though, until I accept that they are going to be there and they really don't mean anything. Best wishes in your battle with this!
When you are not writing try to explain to your "toc side" why we cannot be definning the future on letters. We don't have the power for that. Nor our writing can influence facts
Hi. Every so often I struggle with the same thing. Yes, it's bizarre, but I completely understand! Just the other day I had this happen to me. I worried that if I did a certain thing, it could keep someone I love from going to Heaven.
I have struggled with this type of guilt off and on for years.... when I was a teenager, and this whole thing built up in my head and drove me crazy, I had to get it all out by telling my mom about it (as I understand now, this was the compulsion). She would always listen and reassure me that everything was ok, and that there was no realism in what was in my head. It would relieve me tremendously, but only until the next round of these thoughts building up inside my head.
One thing though that my mom told me during this period of "confessing", was "(my name), you are not that powerful!!!". Boy did that hit home with me and I have remembered that ever since. WE do NOT have the power to keep anyone from going to Heaven. Now I have reassured you maybe (I realize it may not have been the best thing to do), but I am telling this to let you know that you are not alone my dear friend.
We have to try hard not to give in to compulsion, but if you do sometimes, be kind to yourself. Practice self-care at this time. We are human....we messed up when we compulsed, but next time we will do better
For me, when this happens now, I try to say out loud even "Get outta here!!!! You're not helping....you are NOT true!!!" Your OCD is not YOU. You can tell it to hit the road.
I hope this helps you.... let me know. <blessings>
hi 3bird lover... thank you for your answer.. it helps alot to see that others struggle with the same thoughts.. (i prepared a longer answer at home which i send send the next days).. in what situations you think or thought in your teens that you can keep someone you love from going to heaven? what are the things you are not alowed to or have to do otherwise you keep them from going to heaven? sorry if i aske too directly.. you dont have to answer.. greetings tk
Hi. I'm not sure that this particular part of my OCD (keeping people from going to heaven) was happening in my teen years, although a bunch of other forms were....I think that part might have started showing up in my late 20's. I related to you describing how you had to sign everything perfectly or you would have to start over. When I was in college I had an internship working as a clerical person. It took me FOREVER to do the daily statement I had to prepare because I kept thinking "what if I made a mistake" and billed the wrong person for something, so had to start over. It would not feel right...something was wrong. So over and over I would do it again, checking constantly and trying to tell myself it was right. This also added stress because I was afraid my boss would really see how long this was taking and say something (I think he finally did). It was extremely hard.
I will send you a private message soon about some of the other things related to fear about someone not going to Heaven. I feel more comfortable doing that.
I have a similar obsession. I work in public service and I often have to mail important documents. I will sometimes obsess that I wrote something inappropriate. I will compulsively check the document for mistakes.
Hi katj1982, if it combines with work it is hard.. but do you have also the fear that something bad is going to happen to someone other if you do a mistake in an Email? Or is it the fear that you yourself could be punished or loose your Job or somebody is laughing about you, or you write something inaprobriate or imoral?
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an wish you all a nice weekend.
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