New here, but not to OCD

[ihatemyocd]

hi, I just joined this community today. I’ve been living with OCD for the past 12 years with a few different themes.

This year has been truly horrid - my exhusband left me, which created allllll kinds of OCD scenarios. I had been doing ok, and then all of a sudden, the first OCD theme I struggled with came back out of NOWHERE. I feel so powerless, so tired. So anxious and afraid and upset. It feels so real. I wonder if the thoughts are true, if I actually have OCD or if this is all in my head.

I have a therapist who specializes in OCD but only see her every other week virtually. I think I’m going to need more support and to be in-person so that I’m not experiencing these thoughts, feels and fears in my house because they just linger after my virtual sessions.

I try to talk about it with my parents but they don’t understand …. They get frustrated with why I can’t just stop having the thoughts or just about something else. I know they are just trying to help and love me, but I usually feel more anxious after talking with them because they make me feel like a). The thoughts are true and b). I’m going insane.

I’m really afraid to do the ERP with this theme because I’m terrified that the thoughts are true.

I am on 150mg sertraline (Zoloft) and 10mg buspirone daily. I was originally on escitalopram (Lexapro), but when I started seeing an OCD-specialist counselor this year, she suggested I try sertraline. I’m not sure if it’s working or not, how can I know if it’s working?

So that’s my story for today haha looking for support from people who get it. Thanks!

[Zilmita]

Welcome to the website. We're here to help each other out. No one here is going to judge you. We all have issues. I was diagnosed with ADHD, Learning Disability, and slightly Dyslexic at the age of 6. I did graduate high school and graduated from a 4 year college with a 3.5 g.p.a. That's graduating with honours. I (at times) has issues with being impulsive/compulsive. I've not been diagnosed with these issues. I've just started noticing it at the age of 43. My dad can be both impulsive and compulsive with certain things. I guess that's where I get it from. I also suffer from anxiety. I was diagnosed with such an issue in my mid 20's. I've been taking two anxiety medications a day since then. I also take sleeping pills since I have issues with sleep. If I wake up at night to use the bathroom, once I get back to bed it takes a long time before I fall asleep. By the time I've falling asleep (maybe for a few hours) it's time to wake up. So, I wake up to go to the bathroom and I notice that I have bags under my eyes. This (bags under my eyes problem) I've had since I was about 14 years old. I think that one of the reasons that I've suffered with anxiety is because my parents keep fighting in front of me. That's hard enough to deal with. What makes it worse is that they're always asking me to choose a side and then belittle me if I don't choose their side. They've also called me worthless, and other mean things. Then they wonder why I have issues speaking to others. I've tried to talk to them about this but, in one ear out the other. It's like they don't want to admit that they're the cause of my issues. Which (at times) they are. Then they tell me what I can and can't talk to others about. At times they've told me things like..... Who would want to be friends with a fat cow like you. No one successful would want to get to know you. Then they wonder why I have such a low self esteem, self worth, and a lot of self hate. Geez I wonder why!!!!!! I'm not here to make people think that my parents are monsters. They are not. They don't realise that some of the things that they've said and done since I was entering my teens have caused some psychological problems (mostly self worth issues). Now, (at 43) I'm trying harder to make friends. I still get a bit anxious and there really aren't social groups for people my age. It's either older or people just aren't interested in being friends with me. I'm also looking for work. I've recently moved to Wake Forest, North Carolina from Vero Beach, Florida. I've applied to more than 20 jobs. Only a few have asked me to do a virtual/phone interview and even less an in person interview. Then they tell me that it's going to take at least a week or two before they'll tell me if I got the job or not. That sucks. I understand that they have others that are applying for the same job. I get it. Trust me I do. I agree that everyone that's applying to the same job should get the opportunity to be interviewed, etc. It just sucks that I have to wait so long to know if I got the job or not. I keep applying but, the thing is that most of the jobs that are close by I've already applied for the job. My mom is nervous about me applying to jobs in which I would have to drive for mote then 20 minutes. I can understand her concern. I get it. But, I have to go where the job is and not everything in live is close by. Somethings you'll have to drive more then 20 minutes if you really want/need a job. I'm tired of depending on my parents for money, etc. I want to be like my brother who's been financially independent for years now. I'm going to go to a job search place to see if they can help me get a job. Hopefully, tomorrow these people can help me get a job a.s.a.p. Wish me luck tomorrow.

[Pizzaman4]

Welcome! Sorry to hear what you’re going through! I have been dealing with OCD since 1976. The good news is your not alone and they really know more today then ever. Remind yourself it’s a disease, you can’t cure it BUT your goal should be to embrace it and and to manage it and live a better life. If things are bad check out Rogers Behavorial Centers. They have residency, php which is 6 hours a day and IOP which is 3 hours a day. You can get a lot of help hear but if things aren’t getting better in a goal time you set please get the help you need to get on the right path. You don’t need to suffer !!

[deValentin]

Welcome to the forum!

Your experience isn't uncommon. After a period of relative dormancy, OCD may raise its ugly head again in period of high stress. OCD helps relieve some discomfort in the short term, but, in the long term, it makes things worse, as you know. With ERP, you learn to sacrifice lesser goods for greater gains, which isn't always easy, I reckon.

Your objection to ERP "I’m really afraid to do the ERP with this theme because I’m terrified that the thoughts are true" is understandable. You often hear people saying, "If my fear is being a pedophile and I become used to it, then I wouldn't care anymore whether I'm one or not, and that goes against my morals". Or "if my fear is to fall sick because I touched a contaminated doorknob, and I become used to touch them barehanded, then I increase my chances to fall sick". The best response to that objection is to accept that everything is possible in life, but some things are more probable than others. If you give yourself good reasons to trust yourself and the future, even if the worst-case scenario does happen, it's not the end of the world, you can handle it. You're only responsible for giving yourself good reasons to have your mind at rest. With good experiences, you gradually restore reasonable faith in yourself and your ability to rely on evidence and common sense to form an opinion.

The alternative is to seek absolute guarantees that certain things didn't or won't happen. The more you seek them, the more doubts will pop into your head to test them, and you'll never be satisfied. You're caught in an endless cycle at the expense of more productive and fulfilling activities.

Have you heard of the pink elephant paradox: the more you try to suppress an unwanted thought, the stickier it becomes? If you don't give undue importance to your intrusive thoughts and try to live the life yo really want to live, unwanted thoughts may still occur from time to time (it's no big deal), but they'll go away on their own. You can't force them to leave.

If you choose the medication route, it's best to do it in combination with ERP, so OCD symptoms won't return as you discontinue medication. It's at least what most research says.

[ihatemyocd]

Thanks, Pizzaman4 & deValentin for your posts. I am trying to manage it to live a better life, but I am having a hard time differentiating the horrifying thoughts from the reality that is "I have OCD". I don't want to talk with my support system about it because I think they will wildly misunderstand - I have a lot of shame around my theme, because it is so against what I want and believe. I have some moments where I'm doing better at accepting that they are just thoughts and they don't have a deeper meaning. But especially when it's first thing in the morning and as it's getting dark outside, my OCD flares up a notch and I am back to square 1.

I did have a call with a local OCD-specialist practice, and there is a short waiting list. I am hoping to be seen next week by them (per their timeline). Here's to hoping I can get to then quickly... I'm trapped in my own mental hell until then 🥲🥲🥲