Hi, I am a 31 year old male looking for some advice. I am just a regular guy. Have a wife and 2 kids, full time job ect and I don’t consider myself to have any other mental health concerns other than general stresses of life as a husband and father of two kids under the age of 4!
Over the past 2 years though I have found myself heading down the slippery slope of OCD checking behaviour that is heading out of control. This has always been in my mind but very mild. I would always walk round the house to check the obvious stuff like cooker, windows ect would take me like 2 minutes. I noticed my behaviour change around 2020 during lockdowns. It only really flares up when I’m at home and it is time to go to bed. Then the fun starts.
I find myself pacing round the living room not wanting to start the routine of heading to bed. It causes me great stress and anxiety.
I will literally check everything multiple times in each room it can take me 1 hour to go to bed and this is causing me problems.
I start with the front door. I push that hard on the handle to make sure it’s locked I’ve had to call a locksmith 2x in a year because i broke the lock. Then I will check all the plug sockets to make sure they are off and the ones I have to leave on I will make sure the appliance is not touching anything else. I will check the fridge is closed for like 10 minutes which is a pain because we have two. And I also have to make sure the back of the fridge is not touching the wall. Makes no sense I know. I have to make sure all the taps are off by looking to check water is not coming out, then I listen to make sure I can’t hear water coming out then I put my hand underneath to check I can’t feel water coming out. I will stare at the cooker lights to make sure they are off and open the oven door to feel that it is cold. Same with the gas hob. Plus many more. And after I have done all these checks plus many more my brain cannot believe I have checked it all and sometimes I will do the whole routine again before bed. I will stand and check my kids are ok and there is nothing in their bedrooms that will do them any harm even though it’s the same every night. The thing is I know nothing bad will happen. I work in electronics I know stuff just doesn’t catch fire if used safely. I know I’m being ridiculous but I just cannot win the fight against my brain to say that everything is safe and off before I go to bed.
My question is am I able to beat this without help and a lot of willpower or am I to far gone and should I seek some kind of treatment.
bearing in mind I have bad willpower. I have been triying to give up nicotine for the best part of 10 years
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Alfiethedog
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"My question is am I able to beat this without help and a lot of willpower or am I to far gone and should I seek some kind of treatment."
I think you need some kind of "treatment" to make real progress, but that can mean different things.
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is generally considered the most effective OCD treatment. You might need a therapist to help you implement it, but self-help books, websites, podcasts, etc. can also take you a long way. SSRI medication can reduce the strength of the obsessions and help you carry out therapy.
And here is a link to one therapist's summary of what it takes to get better: anxieties.com/97/ocd-four/
I was in a similar situation to yours in 2019 -- I'd had OCD for decades but had managed to live with it, right up to the point that I couldn't. I worked with my doctor to find a good dose of the right medication and I started seeing a therapist who helped me get a better understanding of OCD, set goals for reducing compulsions, and made me accountable for my progress. In the meantime I read all I could about OCD and listened to others' stories. I have ended up with an approach to ERP that has helped me eliminate or drastically reduce compulsions (including mental ruminating). There are occasional setbacks, but most days I feel better than I have in years.
I believe the trick to succeeding at ERP is finding a mindset that will help you reduce your checking compulsions consistently. You might be able to do that on your own, but if not, a good ERP therapist can help. Your symptoms are pretty common among those with OCD and treatment should be straightforward.
Hi Alfiethedog! I'm trying to beat this without professional help too. Recognizing your compulsive behaviours and the negative impact they have on your life is a great start. Understanding the OCD cycle this way will help you stop it.
I'm a 29 year old male whose Harm OCD has poked several holes in his boat. Some bigger than others. I've made progress with Checking and Contamination OCD, but my dreams of getting married and starting a family are still taking on water. I have a lot of work to do.
The progress I've made with Checking and Contamination OCD comes slowly as I learn successful methods of ERP. The meaning of exposure and response prevention isn't cold turkey. It involves weaning your compulsive behaviours at a "comfortable" pace.
When you start your routine tonight, try eliminating one check. For example: don't put your hand under the water faucet. Just look and listen that the taps are off. If you can "beat" the anxiety caused when this check is eliminated, you can find another to wean.
Some people refer to these eliminated compulsions as "safe memories." You'll be teaching yourself that nothing catastrophic happens when you stop the OCD cycle. Remind yourself of this as you continue eliminating compulsions. For example: you don't have to open the oven door any more than you had to put your hand under the faucet. It's obsessive, and unnecessary.
My advice is not to delay. You'll start beating this as soon as you make it a priority. Expect challenges. This won't be easy, and it will take time. Stay positive and self-compassionate.
Hi Alfiethedog. I just wanted to let you know, that I have had and am still having some of the same symptoms you are.
I, too, have had compulsions to make sure appliances or plugs, etc., aren't susceptible to catching fire, by checking to see they are not touching a wall or anything else that could get hot from them. This is probably the issue I have had the most trouble with (fearing a fire). I have also had a lot of times where I checked just about everything to make sure it was safe to go about daily life. One "check" was not good enough for me to feel comfortable to move forward w/ my day. And I know the feeling of checking the same thing 3+ different ways to make sure something is definitely off and/or safe to go on w/ the next thing I want to accomplish. It had seemed like I barely "finished" checking one thing before another would require my attention. It was an unending battle.
I still have those days, but the urge to do a compulsion, is not as strong as it had been. Medication and time, have helped me.
I think seeing a therapist for your OCD, would be helpful. If you are having a hard time w/ something, knowing you have a person to contact, in my opinion, would be a big relief!
I hope this helps, knowing that you are not alone, AT ALL, with OCD. This is a very knowledgeable forum. I really hope you start feeling better soon.
There's nothing wrong with seeking evaluation and treatment! It's best to ask if the therapist has been trained in ERP. Also, you can check the IOCD website to find such a provider in your area.
Parenting small children can be stressful! (Speaking from experience.) COVID has been very stressful too. Stress can exacerbate OCD.
It might help to come up with a fun bedtime routine with your spouse, and elicit your spouse's help with the checking -- for example, perhaps you two could develop a list of the items that you feel are the MOST important to be checked, and your spouse could check (once!) for you, while you're preparing for the bedtime ritual.
Exactly what ritual you choose could be anything that works for you. Believe it or not, at my house, our current bedtime routine is a couple rounds of Boggle! Knocks us right out!
OCD is quite a catch 22. OCD makes your anxiety worse and worsened anxiety then makes your OCD worse. First part of the solution is to realize when your OCD is at work and things are becoming excessive. Practice just recognizing it and saying to yourself. “Oh there’s my OCD. I wondered when that would pop back up”. Make it into a game of sorts and start to note its attack patterns. What situations brings it on? What subject? What triggers? What is it “saying”? When you understand it’s M.O. it’s becomes simple to recognize as OCD.
You noted that it hits you worse at night. It’s because everything around you is winding down and your mind is less occupied, giving you time and room to ruminate on your OCD, and THAT is when OCD thrives. This is also a good recognition of OCD patterns. This is key.
For me, my OCD is usually a feeling of sudden urgent danger, with no real stimuli. “Ahhh, it’s all in my head”. In your case it would be, “what would someone without OCD think in this situation? I’m probably being excessive”. When you recognize OCD, you force yourself to dismiss it. It takes time, it takes practice, and it takes an extreme amount of effort, but you can do it.
As far as a therapist, get two! Get a psychiatrist and get a psychologist. The combination of medicine, their efforts, and your efforts will enable you to beat OCD. Good luck!
Quitting nicotine, as you know, is very difficult and I tell my patients that it's not that they don't have willpower--it's that nicotine is extremely addictive. I don't think intrusive thoughts and OCD are a matter of willpower either. Why not get some help? If you had diabetes or cancer would you try to conquer it with willpower? You don't need to do it all on your own. You recognized you have these issues, which is already a big step forward. You'll be able to enjoy your life and your family much more if you're not consumed by these rituals. Little kids are exhausting enough, without OCD rituals sucking up your time and energy. If one of your kids was struggling with a psychiatric issue, wouldn't you get him/her help? Be as kind to and gentle with yourself as you are with your children.
Hi Alfiethedog. I share the opinion of Elisheva99 that your approach to OCD should be different. It's not a matter of beating it or a willpower. I'm sorry to say it but once you have, you have it for life. You can teach your brain to respond in a different way to the intrusive thoughts with the help of therapy and/or meds. I personally take medications because my OCD is extremely severe and use exposure techniques when intrusive thought strikes.
I'm sorry for your struggles. No one here can diagnose you officially, although the symptoms of OCD aren't too hard to understand. I only say that as the obvious disclaimer because I'm not some professional, rather another OCD sufferer.
However, these are OCD symptoms I think and many on here would probably agree. Whether or not you need treatment depends on your quality of life. To me, it became obvious that I needed treatment when I couldn't do things "normally" anymore. As an example, one of my big things is driving. Once I could no longer do that without all the compulsions, both physical and mental, I knew I needed help.
OCD also has a tendency to grow. I don't mean to say this to scare you at all, but rather to say that if you notice it getting worse and you're doing more compulsions than before, that might be a time to seek treatment. You should look at the IOCDF resource that someone else shared. There are also books for self treatment. I recommend trying that. In my case, I have Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson. I never finished it because I eventually went to a therapist. In my case, I think I had too many obsessions to know where to start. I think a lot of the books will say some of the same things that a therapist will say, but with a therapist, or at least with a good therapist, they will make sure you're progressing and there should be some accountability. Self help can be hard because it's easy to just not do anything. However, good therapists should be giving "assignments" that you would have to do on your own anyway. Part of a good program would eventually include learning how to manage this on your own. It's just that some people like me who wound up in a really bad spot need the guidance of therapy at first.
So it's kind of a judgement call on your part. But at this point I share your concerns about the hour or so spent on checking. The problem with compulsions is that they can become more demanding over time. Why does it take so long to check the refrigerators? Because you likely need to hit that ambiguous "just right" spot. Or maybe your brain says you have to do it a certain number of times. But then it might say, "Well, if we're checking it ten times, let's check 15. 15 is better than 10." The biggest problem with OCD is this demand for more compulsions/reassurance, and the hardest part is waiting out the discomfort until you can get to the point where the anxiety goes down. The brain will keep reminding you of all the bad things that could happen because you didn't check "enough." Or it will start making you doubt that you even did the checking properly.
Anyways, I hope it gets better for you and please check out the free resources available.
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