I don’t know about you all, but this week has been tough for me. I found myself in a bit of a relapse with my OCD and was really feeling down about it. I ended up turning that pain into purpose and wrote a bit about it. I’d like to share it with you today.
Relapse is a part of recovery.
OCD sucks.
It seems like right when things are going well, OCD likes to sneak up and remind me of just how debilitating it can be. "Oh, you thought you were managing your OCD really well? Here's a relapse for you!". I guess I should have seen it coming. I was already dealing with parenting stress, pandemic overload and the emotional toll of trauma work. I knew my OCD was flaring a bit, but I'd taken steps to manage it. I was using all my tools and I started seeing my ERP specialist individually again. I thought I had this handled! Sure, I was isolating a bit and feeling kind of down, but I was confident I could ride the feelings out like I normally do. Unfortunately, we got blindsided by a harmless but contagious toddler illness and that was the final straw. My defenses crumbled before OCD like so much dust and the intrusive thoughts came bursting through. After a full day of nonstop compulsions including but not limited to: washing my hands raw, decontaminating and creating safe zones within my home and numerous mental rituals I was worn out and depressed. I'd be lying if I said I'm not ashamed and disappointed, but I know this is part of the journey. When people say Recovery isn’t Linear it’s absolutely true. To me, recovery is a process and that process includes lapses and relapses. It’s not perfect and I think part of acceptance is understanding that, no matter how far on this journey I am, I’m never going to be perfect nor will I be cured and there will be times when OCD sneaks past all of my defenses and gets the best of me temporarily. I think I’m okay with that as long as I’m still learning and fighting. There was a time when I would have been very upset with that and I still grieve what OCD has taken, but I have my values to fight for and OCD won’t take those.
OCD is one strong and sneaky beast. We all struggle, recover and then fall and stumble along the way. I think what I’ve learned most from this relapse is that what matters most is giving myself compassion when I’m struggling. Getting depressed only sets me back further.
You are not alone. I hope everyone has a lovely day.
Written by
alexandraisobsessed
IOCDF Advocate
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Sorry you had a bad week - hope things are looking up.
I have also had to accept that, at least at this point, I will have times when the OCD comes roaring back. It's amazing how one day obsessions can seem very silly and I think, "Why did I ever take this seriously and do those compulsions?", and then the next day something happens and I find myself doing them all over again.
I will say that as I get farther in recovery and get better at ERP, the bad times are fewer and shorter. I also have much more confidence that the obsessions are temporary and my anxiety about them won't last forever, which is a big win.
Bad days also remind me of how debilitating OCD can be, and they make me that much more motivated to resist compulsions next time!
Thank you so much!I do feel better today thank you. Like you, I've found my hard times are shorter and they're easier to pull myself out of now that I'm farther along in my journey, but man does OCD like to pull a sneaky one.
It's a good reminder to stay on top of my ERP and coping skills because I often almost forget just how debilitating it can be.
Aww thanks for the hugs! I’m really happy to know it offered some hope. I’m a strong believer in acknowledging our emotions, but also finding the lessons.
This was a great dose of hope! It's also cool to see how you noticed your own patterns as you started relapsing - I often realize after a week of doing things like mental rituals or isolating, that I've been, ya know, doing mental rituals and isolating, and reading your post just made me go "OK, self, remember to take a minute and check in with yourself and see where your thoughts and compulsions are." So thank you for putting this out there!! Really awesome post!
I'm really glad you wrote this. It kind of mirrors what I've been going through. For years, I thought I had my OCD under control. Things were looking good! I was productive and happy, but then with the pandemic, health/family issues, and stress at work I collapsed.
I'm really glad you found some silver lining and I know you're right. Relapse is part of recovery when it comes to OCD. For some reason, I'm struggling with the fact that I'll never be cured of this. But your right, I need to be kind to myself through this.
I really hope you have a good day and start to get back to where you want to be. We're all rooting for you
Thank you so so so much for your sincere and kind words! This made me smile. Yes, the pandemic has been so hard for a lot of us!
Don't feel bad about struggling with the chronic nature of OCD. I struggle with that at times too. There are days when I'm totally okay with it and other days when I throw my self a nice old fashioned pity party complete with "why me's". It's all valid and I feel it's healthier to allow myself time to feel all of my feelings.
hang in there!! you are absolutely right, OCD recovery is a journey with twists & turns, ups and downs...it's definitely not linear! I have battled OCD for years. I really like following Shannon Shy's facebook page. He recovered from the very worst of OCD and provides so much inspiration! keep fighting...things will get better!
Awww thank you so much for this. My poor tools really got a workout this past week, but we got through it! Next time, I’ll probably call in my therapist a little quicker. 😂
I’m right there with you. Not to make a “yeah yeah everyone’s tired”-but instead a “I think everyone is so done and any effort anyone is making right now is impressive”. You know? I’m sorry you had a rougher week. You’ve got this. OCD can be/is such a private hell. It’s a real hell. I’m glad to hear you’re trying to be nice to yourself. That sounds like a real compound of stuff alone even without background OCD.
Thank you so much! It did get better. Of course, life happens and then I got sick, but we're all better and on the mend with the relapse in the rear view. It's amazing how these things can really put life in perspective for us. I'm so grateful for your kind words, this community and my health.
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