Relationship OCD

[Puppydog2222]

Hiya everyone… sorry for abit of a long winded message!!

I have really bad ROCD and sometimes have intrusive thoughts and false memories of me cheating on my partner. In the past I have gone to every extreme of reassurance seeking, even videoing conversations I’ve had on a night out so I can show my partner when I got home!

I know this is not helpful and following my therapist advice, I know now realise how unhelpful reassurance seeking is.

My most latest experience with ROCD comes from a work night out this Christmas just passed, I was convinced I kissed someone from work and was having awful intrusive thoughts and false memories. I have only been at this job for 3 months, and now I have anxiety about going into work and I have found myself looking for a new job (I know this isn’t the answer), I have done this before in previous employment, I think I feel worse when out with work, because my partner doesn’t know anyone from work so he would never find out, he knows all of my other friends. I have told him about these thoughts and how I am worried over what I may have done.

I have been back to work since and nobody has mentioned anything at all and have been absolutely lovely with me, but the slightest feeling someone is being off or asking to many questions about our work night out, I have thoughts such as ‘oh they must know I did something and are digging for me to admit it’.

I am not the happiest in my job role anyway but lately have been searching and searching for a new job, but in reality, it’s flexible, well paid, everyone is lovely and close to home, I also have only 4 months until my university degree is complete, but I find myself really distressed about work and I feel that this is playing a huge part.

Has anyone had anything similar?

[deValentin]

It looks like you have false memory OCD. It's distressing and impairing (2 signs of OCD; I think it's impairing because you consider leaving a good job because of it), and you’re asking whether anyone has anything similar. My concern is that, by asking that question, you seem to believe that OCD content matters. If I'm wrong, please disregard the rest of the message. Most experts agree that OCD content doesn't matter. OCD is only latching on to a domain that's important to you. And it's important for you to have a clear conscience about being faithful to your partner. But 10 years from now, OCD could switch to another area. So, what’s more effective and lasting is to learn how to have a clear conscience, no matter in what domain.

As you know, living up to one’s values is the first step to have peace of mind, but that’s not enough if you suffer from an anxiety disorder. An anxiety disorder makes it harder to be satisfied with good reasons to approve oneself. During an OCD episode, no reasons will be good enough to satisfy one’s mind. It’s when exposure and response prevention is required. It consists in resisting the impulse to seek excessive reassurance about the moral integrity of our thoughts and actions. To determine the moral integrity of our thoughts is a little bit tricky because we need to differentiate between thoughts that pop up in our head for which we’re not responsible, unwanted sticky thoughts symptomatic of OCD, and thoughts we voluntarily choose to dwell or act on.

This being said, having a clear conscience is not enough to make somebody happy. People also need to live an interesting and fulfilling life. On occasion, it’s good to ask ourselves what we would do if we had a clear conscience and all our and the world’s problems were solved, and do it, if possible. It may help us not be excessively preoccupied by our and the world's problems . It’s at least my opinion.

[Puppydog2222 in reply to deValentin]

Thank you for your response.

I think asking myself that question maybe a good place to start, I’ve always felt as though it’s just me being Mardy or unable to please, because I’ve never felt true happiness for a long period, I’ve felt happiness of course, but it’s always felt like there is something in the corner, I just don’t really know what will make me happy and sometimes I struggle to differentiate between OCD and the truth.

I 100% believe OCD impacts my work, but I also feel that because of anxiety when I was younger, I chose the career I’m in now, because I knew I would always be secure and I thought it’s what I ‘should do’, rather than just following something I cared about, and now I feel rather stuck, because if I leave and start over, I don’t know where to start, and financially I’d be less worse off - but then I don’t want to make any hasty decisions, in case it is just OCD and anxiety that’s making me feel so hateful towards my job because I feel overwhelmed - It’s a tough one!

[deValentin in reply to Puppydog2222]

In my opinion, having peace of mind and an uninteresting life is dull. Having an interesting life but no peace of mind is disturbing. Having both, peace of mind and an interesting life, makes me reasonably happy, given the circumstances.

In regard to dilemmas, if you have a tender conscience, it’s normal to ask yourself questions and struggle to differentiate between OCD and the truth. If emotionally we’re disturbed by a thought, it’s also normal to think there must be a reason to be disturbed by that thought. We believe very easily whatever we fear or desire. If I strongly fear making a mistake, I’m going to believe that it is justified to bombard myself with a ton of questions and seek answers at any cost: Am I in the right relationship? Am I on the right career path? Did I really do that or is my memory deceiving me? Is it OCD and are they legitimate questions? Am I a spoiled child or would a change of circumstances make me happier? Am I the problem or is my environment the problem? Etc.

Some people choose drinking or gambling to forget all those questions. It’s true that it works in the short-term. In my case, response prevention helped me lower my anxiety and accept the possibility that not all questions are legitimate and not all questions have infallible answers. It helped me accept that there is a time to ask myself questions and a time to stop asking myself questions. That brings more serenity and enjoyment to life.

[Puppydog2222 in reply to deValentin]

Thank you so much, that is really helpful.

I think deep down of course I know what makes me happy, it’s just overcome sometimes by anxiety, I think more than anything, as you say, accepting maybe I’m not in the right job for example but just living in the present and enjoying it while it’s apart of my life, is the answer

[deValentin]

Yes, I think that learning to stop seeking absolute certainties and when to seek reasonable certainty in certain things contributes to our happiness, though it’s difficult at times, especially if we struggle with anxiety.