Purposefully checked the false memory compulsion during masterbration and feeling extreme gulity and anxiety

[Iamshinobii]

OCD, Intrusive thoughts fkdup my life I can't be same,I can't be a good son I failed,I'm feeling extreme pain

2 months ago I had Intrusive thought for the first time during ejcaulation it was about my cousin I never felt guilty,shame and regret like that i tried suicide due to this thoughts and I just went to psychatrist I feel fine about two weeks after I had Intrusive thought about mom, I had the same experience extreme gulity, anxiety,stress, suicidal thoughts after that when I was solving this mom's thought I mean I try to distract during ejcaulation after the cousin's thought incident so I told myself that I never did it on purpose, I know I might get a thought of mom so during ejcaulation I constantly say the name of pornstar to avoid these thoughts,so I convinced myself I never did it on purpose so while solving this I had a thought that did I used a verbalising thing like "dad,mom,sister,brother,and Little sister rapidly during ejcaulation to avoid cousin's thought or randomly doing it when I get this thought I feel like shitt,what did I done(in my memory I never did this or take a decision to do this) may be a false memory but it feels so real the gulity I felt and stress continued so days after days anxiety increased and suicidal thoughts too and the thought changed and asked myself that did that I done for pleasure or did I enjoyed it like that and i again went to psychatrist but still had the gulity after some days I feel fine,but yesterday fuckdup I mean when I was masterbrating I just tried like verbalising rapidly in mind to check that will I get an image of them or will I get pleasure from it but it was for like seconds not 1 min or something after that I think I didn't get the image I only tried once after that I watched porn and masterbrated and ejaculated but after I masterbrated I had an instant anxiety, gulity thought that I did that thing for enjoyment and pleasure...

Guys is it possible???

I mean I was having fear that did I enjoyed the verbalising thing during ejcaulation. And the same me checking that for a sec that will I get an image of them like that...but I never had any desire or attraction towards them I loved them as every normal child loves them Intrusive thoughts fkdup me

I never felt this gulity and anxiety, grief in my entire life 2023 become the worst year for me, mentally destroyed

Cried for infinity times,I'm 17 so my parents also worried dad got bp issues due to you know I cried to him and said I need a therapy and never tell the reason same with mom both are sad and me too...

I was planning to quit masterbration but except me all the people doesn't have problems like this I feel like why always me, and also sometimes this gulity make me feel like I'm the worst person in the family and the whole bloodline,,I'm the worst son,brother, friend I don't deserve to live this world

I would never be the same I can't be happy.. now also having suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety, gulity,,

Oh god why me??

Or why I just born in this innocent family like that I get jealous of my friends in class or normal friends because they don't have problems like this before they also masterbrate..

I'm feeling Lonely,,,

Now the thoughts saying or what I'm feeling is I fanatasied about them and had a thought of mom that's really bad thought idk what is reality and thoughts about past I know I had many anxiety problems

It's from my Reddit post

So now I'm having problem is that I automatically tried to check the coping mechanism the verbal thing in mind that will I get the image of them or not during masterbration but after a few seconds I stopped it because I think I didn't get the image then I watched porn and masterbrated...but my thoughts say I did that verbalising checking thing for pleasure and later that thought changed into that I fantasized about them and later I fantasied about mom and suddenly I find pleasure in it and I stopped after a few seconds and then I realised oh no what am I done like that then I watched porn and masterbrated this is thought im having and distressing idk is it real or not but it's feel so real and I'm feeling extreme anxiety and gulity due to this I also having suicidal thoughts too due to this I know i have OCD but still idk this time is real like that...I never had any sexual attraction towards them or mom even if I had that thoughts my subscounscious will try to suppress automatically but during that moment does I enjoyed it and what if scenerios,these scenarios feels so real..

[Iamshinobii]

And now I'm feeling I purposefully bring the thought of the mom to enjoy idk which thought was it but still I feel anxious and gulity is there any way that I could know that they are just thoughts not reality of the what happened it's feels like what I feared had happened during the day before the event I was recovering and convincing myself that glad I don't fantasied about them... it was a thoughts during ejcaulation like that...and maybe I enjoyed it due to anxiety like this I was recovering but all fuckedup

[TomFed]

Watching porn in itself is usually quite a compulsive behaviour, which is no good psychologically speaking to most of the watchers, let alone people with compulsive disorders, like OCD. As for your thoughts, they really don't matter, and they don't tell anything about what kind of person you are. The obsessive intrusive thoughts are just a sign that you probably have OCD (I don't know if you have been evaluated by a trained therapist yet). OCD is an egodystonic disorder which means that those obsessive thoughts will usually attack what we hold most dear and important to us. So look for a treatment with a trained ERP therapist, stay away from any compulsions and pay less attention to the gibberish in your head.

[Iamshinobii in reply to TomFed]

But without porn I can't masterbrate,the Intrusive thought may come during those times as I said the thing I'm suffering from is I automatically did the coping mechanism to check but this really messed me up I'm having uncertainty that did I fantasied about them or mom which I care about the most but still I feel this time is it real or not idk what type of OCD is this,is this real event I mean does it already happened what I fear,idk I'm literally fucked upDid you read full, I edit a comment below please read all

[Sallyskins in reply to Iamshinobii]

I'm concerned that you say that you can't be sexually aroused without porn. It sounds as though you've become desensitized so you can't be aroused normally. This isn't good for you.

Much porn is extreme, depicting extreme sexual acts that are usually degrading and/or violent, particularly towards women. This isn't healthy, and not how sex should be (and normally is). Porn can blunt your normal sexual response. A boy of 17 shouldn't need porn to be aroused!

Don't feel guilty, though - don't feel that you have to stop masturbating - just try it without the porn. And don't feel guilty about the images that pop into your head while you're doing it. They're OCD images, that's all. They don't mean that you're sexually attracted to members of your family. The more you push these images away, the more they will come back.

Try not pushing them away - just let them alone and ignore them. Practise letting the images in - they can't harm you. And if you can tolerate them for a little while, they will go of their own accord.

In fact, each one of us has weird and sometimes unpleasant thoughts, whether we have OCD or not. They come and then they go, popping into our heads and then, for most people they pop straight out again. It's having OCD that makes us attach meaning to these thoughts, and then we try to get rid of them. This just makes them 'sticky' - they stay in our heads, instead of floating away.

It sounds like you have a strong and loving family behind you. I'm sure that you're a good son, a good brother, and a good person.

The best thing is to get a therapist who understands OCD and who uses CBT and ERP techniques. These techniques can help you to get rid of the intrusive thoughts - not by fighting them, but by tolerating them until they don't feel so threatening. And then they'll go away of their own accord.

Don't feel so bad - having OCD can make you feel like shit, but there is a way out of it. It sounds as though you're actually just a normal, decent young man. Don't feel guilty!

[Iamshinobii in reply to TomFed]

How can I be certain that they are just thoughts that doesn't happened or happen everytime I get Intrusive thoughts during masterbration or ejcaulation I just distract it somehow that's how my subscounscious works but still I doubt during that moment did I done something that I actually i fear or am I out of control,like that I never had any sexual attraction or desire towards them...idk this OCD messed me up, could you please tell what you understand from my post shortly please so that i could correct if any mistakes in the post I'm not good at English...it's not my first language

[TomFed in reply to Iamshinobii]

I myself before have sought relief from OCD and anxiety caused by it by immersing into gratifying myself with ridiculous amount of sex and various sexually related behaviours, including masturbation and porn. None of them are bad if they can be carried out and enjoyed in a healthy way. The usual problem with OCDer's brain is that we easily make these behaviours compulsive and they become an escape we look for from our obsessive mind. From what you've described, porn and masturbation for you are quite compulsive, so maybe it would be a good idea to stay away from them for a while or do it less, and in the meantime find help and necessary tools to deal with your obsessive mind. As for you OCD theme, it's very common for us OCDers to stress about these "taboo" thoughts. What I will tell you, no thoughts are good or bad, they are just thoughts, most of them are absolutely useless trash. Everybody, not only us with OCD, have intrusive thoughts all the time. Although I know from my own very personal experience peak OCD can just blast you with ridiculous amount with intrusive thoughts, but still they are just thoughts. Only the way we react to these thoughts make us different from regular crowd without this disorder.

Best way for you to start healing from OCD would be to find an OCD specialised therapist, online or offline, to help you learn the ERP. I myself have had obsessive thoughts about my mom when I was in my early teenage years, both sexually and harm related, as I was afraid of stabbing her to death anytime I saw some sharp object around us.

P.S. I'm not sure if your current OCD topic is fulled up by your religious beliefs, but for me it was to quite a large extent. I remember my OCD became tremendously intense in primary school when our Catholic teacher told us repeatedly that thoughts can carry sin with them, and even be mortally sinful or something like that. I know that I've had OCD before all that religious indoctrination, so it was just some extra fuel into a sensitive obsessed kid's mind. But still I'd like to slap that teacher in the face for pushing such rubbish dogma down the kids' throats. For me, it tooks years to relieve myself of lots of religious garbage, and find real spirituality instead. Anyway.

Take care and I hope you will find professional help. Most of the people with OCD go through same stuff like you do, but what is beautiful that our brains can be retrained and this disorder can be treated quite well with the right help.

[Iamshinobii in reply to TomFed]

Yeah if I don't had OCD I would be happy by now because it all started with an Intrusive thought during ejcaulation...from there my anxiety and depressed, gulity day started even today, I need to understand that thoughts doesn't mean anything they are just thinking the worst case scenario as possible so when the thoughts come I just need to stop doing compulsions and stop distracting it...

So thought are thoughts with OCD we may have a feeling to that these thoughts are real but I think they are opposite of what happened..

I'm fine today thanks for the reply guys

[OcDrEc0v3Ry]

There is effective treatment for everything you are describing. Look on iocdf.org for help and to find a therapist. Trying to know for sure what you were thinking or if you desired something or not, is the problem. The more you try to know, the more doubt you will have. You have to give up the goal of trying to know if you purposely brought on a thought or not. Let that question remain unanswered. When you stop checking and replaying and analyzing, clarity will return to you in time. But you can't keep trying to know for sure right now. We all have weird taboo thoughts at what might feel like an inappropriate time. The problem is not having the thought, the problem is our attempts to know what the thought meant or if we purposely had it, etc. Suicide is not the answer. You are so young and have a whole life ahead of you. Have hope! You can experience relief, you just need to get treatment. Exposure and Response Prevention and medication could help too. Listen to The OCD Stories podcast.