Real event OCD. *may be triggering*

[JamesTaylorLover]

I have among my many other types of OCD a real event OCD that feels like it has ruined my life. In less than a year after my husband passed away I went to bed suicidal and woke up the next day extremely happy and full of energy, acting totally unlike myself it turned out to be a hypomanic episode) . I made the decision to build a townhouse and sell my home that I shared with my husband of 34 years. As the time approached I became more and more certain it was a terrible idea and began an OCD spiral. Because I also have scrupulocity OCD, I thought the people who were buying it had to give me permission not to sell it or I would be struck down by God. My mother pushed me to go on with the decision to sell because it was immoral not to do so. There was no contract and I could have cancelled the sale but I didnt because of the above. It was a decision that left me depressed, ruminating and with severe OCD that made me no longer able to do my job and I, an excellent employee of 20 years at my current position, was given the option of being fired or retiring. I really hate myself for ruining my life because I promised myself I would NEVER do it after seeing my mother-in-law make a decision that made the rest of my life miserable. For 7 years I have been stuck. I built another house but have not even really moved in and there are boxes everywhere; I feel I cannot possibly decorate it and make it nice and it will never have the memories of my husband living there. . How does one forgive oneself for a decision that they hate they made? I feel so very hurt and sad that I, the only person I can trust to protect myself, let myself down. What kind of script would any of you suggest for dealing with this situation? Every time I think I am okay it comes back to haunt me again. I think currently the trigger is having to care for my mother, with dementia, for over 9 months, in my house. She is often mean and angry, and we never got along and seeing her reminds me of her role in all that has happened. Any suggestions welcomed

[Sallyskins]

This is a really difficult one - having made a decision to sell up and move when you were still grieving for your husband, it sounds as though you haven't managed to process your loss mentally, if you'll forgive me for using such a word as 'process'.

But getting past the loss of a partner is a process, and if you don't go through it properly, you can't get on with your life properly - it means being stuck in grief, rather than being able to appreciate your memories of your husband.

I think it might be best if you took stock, as it were, of what you want. It might mean unpacking your things and decorating your house and accepting it as your home, or it might mean deciding to move again to somewhere else.

Moving house is often an emotional thing in itself, and it sounds as though you felt forced into doing it. That makes it difficult to settle in.

Don't keep beating yourself up about it - it isn't as though you did something morally wrong, just something that you did on impulse and weren't emotionally in the right place to do.

It's difficult to care for a parent into the bargain - having been a carer for my mother, who had various things wrong with her, I know what a strain it can be. And I got on pretty well with her - I can only imagine what it feels like if you don't get along. Particularly if you feel sore with her for forcing you into a decision, and if she's cross and angry in return.

Is there alternative care you can arrange for her? Too often we feel it our duty, but if neither of you are happy with the situation of her living with you, then it might be best for you both if she moved into residential care.

I know how hard it can be making decisions with OCD, and it's important that you don't ruminate, either over your decision to move, or what to do next. That just makes your ability to make the right decision for you more difficult.

I'm thinking that perhaps you feel as though you betrayed your husband in selling the house you shared with him. But he wouldn't, I'm sure, want you to be unhappy about that!

So perhaps sort out what to do about your mother - and perhaps try to unpack. It can all be packed up again if you aren't happy with it!

Go out and catch up with friends, do a course that interests you, take up an interest or hobby or volunteer - it's all such a cliche but it really can help! There could be job opportunities as well - think about going back to work, either doing what you used to do, or something different. It stops you from turning in on yourself and ruminating. And that makes decisions - and making the right decisions for you - so much easier!