Intrusive thoughts/rumination when writing

[Amelia34]

Hi there, anyone else suffer intrusive thoughts when writing or signing (e.g forms, letters, documents, greetings cards - virtually anything really). I have to check everything several times, each side of the page or card, to make sure I haven’t written anything that would cause harm or suffering to those I love or bring lovely innocent people into disrepute (suppose it’s a bit like when you see graffiti posts about people). If I don’t get the opportunity to check (say if someone is sat in front of me at a desk) I find myself ruminating over and over again as to whether I might have written anything and knowing that I can never get access to that paperwork or item again to check is destroying me. I’ve had these thoughts for many years and spoke to a CBT therapist who didn’t seem to have heard of this one, which makes it worse! Is it just me? Thanks in advance x

[mind-full]

“This one” is just another form of OCD. There are many. Many. Take contamination OCD for example. Someone suffering from this specific form would worry that they contaminated a letter or piece of paperwork that they can never get access to again. Who will it harm? When will it harm them? These questions destroy us as we ruminate endlessly in our own, self loathing imaginations.

In the book Overcoming Harm OCD, Jon Hershfield recommends “writing scripts” as a type of self-help home therapy. Write about your intrusive fears becoming true. Play them out, and realize how unrealistic they are.

Example (trigger warning):

I sign a Christmas card for my supervisor, including an “x” and “o” in hopes of her boyfriend seeing it. He does, leaves in a fit of rage, and fights for custody of their two children. My supervisor questions me about the inappropriate gesture in tears before missing a week of work and committing suicide. The local authorities investigate my involvement in her death. Our company terminates my employment, and her boyfriend attacks me on the street.

I’ve often worried that people can “hear” my intrusive thoughts. Perhaps my fear of controlling speech is similar to your fear of controlling the written form. Perhaps my thoughts are so intense, they’re written on my face. Perhaps telepathically, intuitively, people know. I feel ashamed.

But realistically, there would be consequences to these fears becoming true. If people saw my intrusive thoughts, they would react. If your writing was harmful, you’d be held accountable.

I hope this helps. No matter how different, or how similar, all OCD is the same: the doubting disease. Trust yourself. Love yourself.

[MothFir]

I'm surprised the therapist had not heard of this one, as I am aware of many people having exactly the same problem. It's affected me now and then over the years, although it's never been my main theme. The pattern is quite familiar and common to so many OCD themes -- fear of causing harm, fear that it will all be one's own fault, checking to make sure the dreaded thing will not occur, ruminating on the event when checking is no longer possible.

ERP therapy can help you overcome this and most types of OCD.

[Sallyskins]

I've had this since my teens - dating from well before I had heard of OCD! I've been known to cut open envelopes to check what I'd written and read it over and over!

In fact it's very difficult accidentally to write something you hadn't meant to write. And it's highly unlikely that you've done so.

Don't ruminate - the item has been sent, and no one has come back to you to say you have libelled anyone or anything like that! Ruminating has the effect of constantly refreshing the fear that you may have written something you didn't want to.

I noticed that you are uncomfortable doing OCD rituals in front of other people. This is pretty much standard with those of us with OCD. It's an embarrassing condition to have, and we go to great lengths to hide it!

Perhaps try to be a little more open - just say to the person behind the desk 'Mind if I check this over? I've got OCD'. The response is usually either neutral, or positive. People are often sympathetic. This isn't to encourage you to check unnecessarily. It just takes a little pressure off you when you can be open about it.

[Mcfly64]

Great advice from everyone.

[Amelia34 in reply to Mcfly64]

This certainly is great advice Mcfly64, thanks to Mind-full, MothFir and Sallyskins for your detailed responses. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one after all! I’ve suffered with these thoughts most of my life and generally I’ve learned that they pass with time, although some take longer than others, or another one comes along that feels more “real” and knocks the emphasis off the previous one, which eventually you forget about. However I suppose it’s the nature of the way OCD and rumination gets you, but I’ve found that the latest fear is always the one that you think is “The One” that will cause all the trouble you fear. Eventually I guess another fear or thought of something I may have written somewhere will replace the one I’m currently ruminating on, and the new fear will seem even stronger than this one, but in the meantime I have to try and find a way of not letting the fear and worry affect my ability to function properly in everyday life, as it currently is. Thanks again all x

[MothFir in reply to Amelia34]

What you've described here about how the most recent thought always seems more real and "The One" that will finally cause a disaster is my exact experience. Have you considered attending a support group? The IOCDF has a whole list of them and many are online Zoom meetings (and free!). Attending one regularly has helped me feel less alone and has helped me see my fears as OCD and not real problems.

iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/...

[mind-full in reply to Amelia34]

Although I’ve never practiced Jon Hershfield’s suggested “writing scripts,” the purpose of them did teach me to react LESS to doubts and MORE to everyday consequences. “Did I hit somebody with my car?” If so, I’ll deal with the repercussions when they present themselves (but only then). This way, one fear or intrusive thought isn’t (constantly) replacing another. I suffer less and less in my imagination, and remain more and more in reality.

[Amelia34 in reply to mind-full]

Thanks again for your advice MothFir and Mind-full. I hadn’t heard of the IOCDF but have since looked into it and think it could be really helpful, in particular as a support group. I’ve had a couple of CBT courses but neither really helped in the long term once I was back to managing the condition on my own, which just becomes all consuming once again, although I could see some of the points made by the therapists made sense at the time. I’ve also found that feeling under pressure or stressed makes the problem worse because you feel you haven’t got the time to do enough checks to satisfy your mind that all is safe. Learning that you’re not alone with your thoughts and compulsions through others on this site I’ve found as helpful as any therapy though. I will also have a look at Jon Hershfield’s script advice and his book. Many thanks x