What to do with thoughts that i don’t realize at first are intrusive

[G0ldenwr0ught]

Hello- i’m back :,)

i was a regular poster here for a while last year, while i was going through therapy. it was a very dark, stressful time in my life that i do not want to relive. my therapist was an amazing person who did help set me right, but ultimately her fellowship year ended, and we had to part ways. it was pretty devastating, but she had set me up to where i needed reassurance less, was better at disregarding, and my quality of life was altogether better. It’s been that way for quite a while now.

Which brings us to today. I think i’m slipping. The thought of relapsing makes my stomach feel sick , but my anxiety levels this past week have been heightened, the physical sensations, which i assume were born out of trying so hard *not* to feel anything that i begun to actually feel things, have worsened. The reason i’m writing this, though, is due to a memory i had last night, of a thought i had a while back.

I like to make up stories in my head while i fall asleep, and always have. This was a subject i spoke about with my therapist when i had her, because of the fear that aspects of these stories were morally wrong. Though the instances i spoke to her about were all examples from my teens, the one i’m talking about today is fairly recent, as in a few months back.

I had watched a romance show, and in this show, there was a character with a few younger siblings. As the show progresses, the actors playing them get older. Long story short, this kid was in his early teens, and i had the thought that he was “cute”, then immediately went sick with anxiety trying to decode whether that meant i was attracted to him or not. this is fairly common for me. Every time i watch a show and can’t immediately tell how old an actor is, i google their age just to make sure i don’t have weird thoughts about anyone underaged. If the show was made a long time ago and the actor is old now, i literally pull out my calculator in the middle of the show or movie, find their birthday and subtract it from the year the show/movie was made, just to be sure. it’s insane, i know. of course this doesn’t always help, and whenever there is an obviously young actor, i generally avert my eyes when they’re onscreen, just to be safe.

Usually, when this happens and i can’t find resolution for my thought process, i just skip through every scene with that actor in it and try to forget they exist. This time, though, was different- because after i watched that show, i don’t recall whether it was that night, or further in the future, and i was lying in bed, trying to make up a romantic story to help myself fall asleep, my mind went to that show. And my thoughts immediately went to making up a story about romancing that character. i don’t recall whether the “idea” was about that specific character when he was older, or at the age he was in the show, but it’s not particularly relevant- in general, i’ve had similar intrusive ideas before, but have always, as far as i remember, immediately recognized them as such.

This time, there was a split second where i didn’t. Where i had a jolt of excitement at the idea. It was immediately followed by dread and horror and confusion, but that split second when i thought it was a good idea is what sticks with me now. And i guess i had somehow managed to rationalize and compartmentalize the incident, because i only remembered that it happened last night, but i felt sick and anxious all over. I don’t even know if i’m remembering it 100% correctly or how i managed to put it to rest before.

Has anyone else had experiences like this? i don’t know what to do about it. I think i might need to go back into therapy, but i hate the thought of starting over with someone new. My biggest fear is that a new therapist won’t agree with my original one, will tell me that it’s not OCD and that i’m just twisted and sick and there’s nothing anyone can do.

[Sallyskins]

Best to stop the googling of how old actors are and when they were born. The more you check, the more you obsess - and that leads to further checking and further obsessing.

No matter how intrusive or unpleasant the thoughts, you can't be prosecuted for them. It's doing that counts, and it's pretty clear that abusing underage people is not something that you would do.

Don't be afraid of getting another therapist. Just make sure they understand about OCD and use CBT methods. This is such a common form of OCD - having sexual thoughts, or being afraid you are having sexual thoughts, inappropriately - and any OCD therapist worth their salt will know this and will have encountered it before in other patients.

This isn't being sick and perverted - it's simply OCD. Don't be afraid to make up stories - the point of fantasies is that you can do what you like in them and no one gets harmed. The point of fantasies is that you can do things in them you wouldn't or couldn't do in real life.

There is a book called Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally M Winston and Martin N Self that might be able to help you. It can be bought over the internet. The trick is not to push the intrusive thoughts away but to acknowledge them but not challenge or question them. Then they are likely in due course to drift off.

I'm afraid that OCD is a fluctuating condition and you are likely to have relapses. But they can be stopped in their tracks once you know how to deal with them.