Severe OCD And Losing My Sense Of Self

[Outofluck]

I started struggling with sexual intrusive thoughts in middle school, then it turned into compulsive staring at people’s privates or just looking at ppl when I don’t want to. I try looking down on the ground to avoid staring but it ends up happening anyway. It’s really embarrassing and humiliating. My thoughts then turned into pocd. There were times where I’ve had thoughts of being a pedo when younger kids were around and I’d end up zoning out and looking at them.

Even though that’s not what I wanted to do. There was a time where I put my hand up to head when someone was bending down. I don’t know why I did it, but it was stupid and weird and looked like I was staring at them. Idk, I really don’t think this is OCD. I feel lifeless, I have no personality, it’s hard to smile. It’s hard to look at ppl. People always laugh at me. I lost a lot of relationships because my compulsions suggests I’m ‘attracted’ to them instead of anxious.

I can’t be around kids or adults. I’m paranoid that people are tracking my phone to read these posts I write about my OCD to use as proof against when I’m older. I’ve dive done pretty weird things, to many to count. Everyday my brain hurts from the guilt and worry I have of my past and how so many ppl hate me. I used to be a Christian, but I don’t think I can keep that title anymore. Too many people have seen my episodes and I’m worried I’ll hurt s/o in the future. I’m still in school, do you think that I could do an outpatient therapy at a hospital. I feel like I’m going crazy, I was so certain I had schizophrenia because the start of these intrusive thoughts started when I heard an indistinguishable voice saying I’m a pedo. And my life started to fall apart rapidly after that. I’m not sure If I even deserve to live happily.

[Grouseman]

This sounds like OCD. My OCD started when I was in Junior High also. I have had sexually intrusive thoughts, thoughts of harming others and contamination thoughts. I have had compulsions very similar to what you describe and it’s all related to OCD. Over the years I’ve worried that I was homosexual, bisexual, pedo or a psychotic killer. I am none of these and you are not a pedo. It’s the OCD disease that does this to you. As difficult as it is you need to try to ignore the thoughts and not ruminate about them, with practice it gets easier. You also need to think that you are a good person and it’s the disease causing your problems so separate yourself from the disease. Again not easy but it gets better with time. You should also seek mental health and consider meds to help. I did not take medication until I was 45 and wish I would have done it sooner. The meds did not eliminate the intrusive thoughts completely but they helped a lot. You do deserve happiness! Be active in seeking help and acting to improve your mental health. Also do not give up on God! He knows your struggles and he does help

[Outofluck in reply to Grouseman]

thanks for responding. There’s a lot of shame with these episodes. Sometimes it feels like I’m supposed to be this way because how can I go from s/o once respected to s/o ppl see as crazy so quickly. I truly feel like i have to ask and apologize to everyone in my life whose seen my episodes because i know it affected them, but at the same time I’ms still not totally normal. I just want to stop feeling like I’m not allowed to live because of these behaviors.

[Grouseman in reply to Outofluck]

although it’s difficult don’t be ashamed. Separate yourself, the person you are, from the disease. It is a disease, the same as heart disease or cancer. You wouldn’t be ashamed if you developed either of these diseases. You are not OCD, it is an illness you have. I think what you might be doing when you state is testing yourself trying to assess if you are attracted to the person you see or whether it’s OCD. I’ve done this same thing. Ruminating and worrying whether I’m truly attracted or it’s the OCD. Try not to ruminate, let the thought happen and don’t think about it again. In other words ignore the thoughts and move on. With practice it’s gets better. Don’t give the thoughts any power. And try not to question yourself. Hang in there it will get better

[Outofluck in reply to Grouseman]

i appreciate the encouragement!

[Precious2023]

Rom 18:1 says there is therefore now to no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the spirit.I am an OCD patient who God has been helping to recover gradually.

Continually pray to God for healing, meditate and confess scriptures relating to mental health, go for fresh air outside, watch gospel movies, register with a therapist, get busy with work or your study.

May the peace of God that passes human understanding guide your heart.,receive sound mind in Jesus name.

For as many suffering from all forms of mental illness, I pray to God for divine healing for all in Jesus name

[Outofluck in reply to Precious2023]

thank you for praying for me.

[Disciple777]

The same thing started for me in middle school. OCD commonly starts in adolescence. They are all lies! People that are into those thoughts don't feel horrible about them. That's why it wrecks our minds. We are not those things and it's ego-dystonic to our real self. OCD does not respond to logic so anything someone tells you or any compulsion you do will only help temporarily. Your OCD brain will always find another doubt. The best way to fight this is with God's truth and exposure response prevention therapy. I'm still working on it myself. God bless and here if you need to talk more.