I love with my partner, who is really struggling with their OCD.
Hyper focus on intrusive thoughts around house security, personal cleanliness and issues at work are really starting to take their toll on them and I know that my lack of knowledge is not making things better.
I feel completely lost and find myself losing patience even though I know it's not my partners fault this is happening. I am doing my best but find that I cannot offer enough comfort, certainty or logical explanation to my dear one when they are troubled.
I'd love to hear from any one who can help me to better support my partner and help them when things are rough
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Bikelad85
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An excellent book I would recommend is “When a Family Member has OCD” by Jon Hershfield. I have OCD and my husband read it and it really helped him to understand better.
"....I cannot offer enough comfort, certainty or logical explanation to my dear one when they are troubled."
This is very true because with OCD no amount of comfort, etc. can ever be enough. In fact, the more comfort, etc. you offer the more the OCD will demand. Trying to give your loved one certainty is a commendable natural impulse but unfortunately it's exactly the wrong thing to do.
Don't feel bad about this - many therapists who do not specialize in OCD fall into the same trap. OCD happens when the sufferer experiences an unwanted, disturbing thought and then gives it credibility by checking, cleaning, seeking reassurance, or whatever. Therapy essentially consists of having the sufferer experience the unwanted thoughts but training them not to respond in any way (no checking, cleaning, assurance-seeking, or ruminating). This is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy and is the therapy with the greatest success at treating OCD. Obviously the practice of stopping the compulsions is very disturbing to the sufferer, but a good ERP therapist will help them to accomplish it. The process can take weeks, months, or years, but some degree of improvement can happen quickly, once the sufferer learns to starve the OCD instead of feeding it.
Medication (one of the SSRIs) can also help significantly, and they and ERP are often used together in successful treatment.
My first advice would be to get your partner an ERP therapist and SSRI meds. If a therapist isn't possible at the moment, there are plenty of resources online and in print. You might start here:
Good luck to both of you. I think one of the keys to overcoming this disorder is learning as much as possible about how it works and what has helped other people. Then what is learned must be put into practice. Knowing how and why the sufferer is disturbed by certain thoughts is half the battle, but starving the OCD of compulsions is what really breaks the cycle. That is a scary process for the sufferer, but it gets easier as their brain gets retrained to know that the disturbing thoughts are really quite meaningless.
Do get a book that explains it - many self help books have added chapters aimed at family and friends to explain OCD and help them give support. A particularly helpful and extensive chapter is in The OCD Workbook.
The standard therapists' response is that you should not assist or enable the OCD in any way, and refuse to give reassurance. Practically speaking, that isn't always possible. If someone - a partner, family member or friend - is really struggling with something then practical help (doing something for them, or not doing what sets the OCD off) or reassurance can be the only short term option - for both of you!
Longer term, it helps to give support quietly and unobtrusively. Let them know you're there for them, and if they're struggling don't intervene or encourage - just let them get on with it. Don't tell them how well they're doing or egg them on. Most of us with OCD prefer to get on with our rituals etc with as little outside comment as possible.
So if your partner takes yet another shower, or checks that the house is properly locked up over and over, or what it is they do, it's often best to let them get on with it.
Having someone you love struggle with OCD can be profoundly irritating. Try not to snap or express impatience, hard though it might be! In any case, your partner will be only too aware of how irritating their behaviour is to other people, particularly to you.
Make sure they are getting the right treatment, but don't nag them or push alternative treatments on them.
It's quite a balance to get right, and it's important that you don't beat yourself up when you're only doing your best. It's hard on you, as well. Although there isn't a cure for OCD right now, it is treatable and manageable. And having your support will be a great help to your partner. My good wishes to both of you.
I agree with Sallyskins' comments about "practical" therapy -- there is a perfect therapeutic ideal, but not many people (nobody?) get it perfect. The OCD sufferer should be challenged but not overwhelmed. A good ERP therapist should recognize that and focus on steady progress that has lasting benefits rather than sudden change that is unsustainable.
Along those lines, one approach that has helped me, as the person with OCD, is to ask my wife questions like "How would a 'normal' person handle this?" instead of "Is everything going to be okay?" So instead of asking if she is absolutely sure that my hands are clean after touching a doorknob, I'll ask if she would wash her hands again after touching it.
I suppose that is still a form of reassurance-seeking, but I try not to ask the same type of question over and over. If I do, she can just tell me that we've already answered it and refuse to answer again. These days, I only ask her about something once in awhile that is unusual.
Logic and rational thought don't really help in the middle of an OCD episode, because the fear center of the brain is so active that nothing can convince it that there is really no threat. The person has to act as if there is no threat even though their fear tells them otherwise. Before an OCD episode, however, the two of you can talk rationally about the kinds of things your partner typically fears, and they can likely recognize that most people get through life just fine without all the checking/washing/ruminating etc. That is when you can formulate how your partner should respond when their fears kick in and they are unable to think rationally.
That's absolutely right - if the part of the brain that responds to fear is going fit to burst, then it's hard to rationalize and accept that there's no threat. I've often likened it to a faulty house or car alarm that goes off at random and annoys all the neighbours.
An interesting book is The Emotional Brain by Joseph LeDoux - he's a brain expert but this book is aimed at the interested reader.
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