Hi, I'm new

[fiscafe]

I just wanted to say Hi and that I'm new to this community. I'm currently having trouble with building and maintaining connections with people in my on line support groups. I get obsessed with needing to know if a person is really a friend or not. I have great difficulty in "reading" text type communications. I don't really feel like I can trust a person if they will not converse with me on the phone. So, recently I let a person I've been texting with for months that if we are to remain friends I need at least some phone contact every now and then. When they responded, by text, and said that they were busy with family, I just told them I needed more meaningful friendships and that texting wouldn't work for me. Now I feel terrible and that I made an impulsive decision. I have this constant need for validation, an obsession, and cannot derail the thought until I get it at any cost. Even though I'm getting help and using some CBT, it seems to be getting worse to the point I feel like I should just be alone and forget trying to build friendships. If anyone can understand this and would like to offer feedback I welcome it.

So that's what's going on with me at time. Thanks for listening.

fiscafe

[avoidingthebadthings]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. It seems like you know exactly what is going on--that you need validation and are pushing people to get that validation. When they don't comply, that seems to be the reaction that you are looking for in order to justify not having to build friendships. Is that what's going on? Or do you truly want to build friendships?

If you truly want to build friendships, you might want to try other places besides online support groups. It's possible that your expectations for the type of friendships that might develop in online support groups are higher than what one can reasonably expect from people in online support groups.

I'm interested in hearing from other people on this subject as well. Personally, I have never expected anything more from someone in an online group in terms of contact outside of that group. I would be very wary of anyone who requested a different form of contact from me, as I would find it creepy. People who are online are online because they prefer to make contact in this manner. There's a degree of privacy in just typing into the ether. If we wanted to talk to people over the phone or meet in person, we would go to a Meet Up or join a group therapy circle, and in fact, we may be doing that separately, as well as being online.

It seems like you maybe are dealing with a great deal of anxiety. Are you on anti-anxiety medication or an SSRI? If the anxiety is dialed down a couple notches, it may help you to take online entities as they come and not expect more from them than they are willing to give. I'm not sure that this is so helpful to hear, but I do hope you are able to work through this in therapy and with medication, so that you will understand where this need for validation comes from and why you are applying it to online people.

[Sallyskins]

This sounds like a mixture of OCD compulsions and a wish for better connections with people.

It's one thing to practise CBT with this and try to wean yourself off needing to meet or speak directly with people you know online. But it might be good if you could meet and speak with people directly as well.

For a start you could join an online support group that meets up now and then. A social gathering in a cafe, or something like that. Or a support group that meets regularly - again, perhaps in a cafe or community centre.

People do shy away if people they know purely online suddenly start wanting to chat on the phone or meet up. It's not being unfriendly - it's simply that they don't know what they're getting in to. Just as you want to be able to 'read' physical indications - facial expressions, tone of voice etc - they feel uncomfortable meeting up with someone they haven't 'read' as it were, who may not be who they say they are or who may make unknown demands on them.

Also, it might help to examine your need for validation from others. This is something we all want from other people - it affirms our sense of self and who we are. But it isn't something that can be forced or demanded - if other people validate you, that's great for you, but you can't make them do it.

Friendships can't be forced either - mostly they spring up naturally, and often in unexpected places. Try making the most of the online friendship you have - and if you want to meet up with some of them, perhaps you could suggest a group meeting in a public or semi-public place. This is more likely to make the others feel comfortable about meeting.

[fiscafe in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you so much for this direct reply. I agree regarding people not feeling safe in just online chats. However, in this group we do see and hear each other as it is also a video meeting. Kind of like zoom but not zoom. And yes, seeking validation is a huge part of the obsessive thinking. Then comes the compulsion to get it at any cost. The outcome of course is that I push the person away and destroy any chance of developing a friendship. With severe OCD I can know and even see all this as it is happening and still be unable to stop it unless I lock myself up. And excellent suggestion on attending face to face support groups. I actually have been to a couple here but people are still getting sick with Covid here and no one is wearing masks now. I live in central Florida. I must be very careful not to bring Covid home. Thank you again and you have given me a lot to consider.

[Dempsey1919]

Because I have ocd I prefer to text,I hate people interrupting me as if they do I feel the compulsion to start again. I tex or call only a couple of mins so if they can't find that time your not a priority. But then again I'm not a phone person. Sounds like you have a fear of rejection but believe me people genuinely don't think to text or ring as they lives are busy with work,kids thier own problems,bills,money ect. Dint take it personally.

[greenpigeon]

I struggle with this same problem!

I think having ocd can make making and keeping friends very difficult. I don't feel like I can completely connect with someone unless it's face to face either. It's hard because we can't control how other people feel or think about us but the need for close relationships is overwhelming when you already feel isolated.

I get you.

hope you're feeling okay

[FourtounKafkal]

I feel that before anything else one has to try to be the best loving friend of themselves, offering compassion and support and trying to realise and enjoy deeply the miracle of existing on this world. Then, other friendships will follow because when we are able to shine, we offer light and warmth to others who need it. I wish you the best.