My OCD seems to be just getting worse. I don’t want to touch anything, anymore. Everything is contaminated and dirty and disgusting. I restrict fluids so I don’t have to use any bathroom often, I hate touch anything in public places, even at home.
I worry that if I sit in a public chair (restaurant, drs offices, anywhere really) I will get someone’s bodily fluids on me. Im sure I look like an idiot wiping down chairs with sanitizer wipes. I’m terrified I’ll get meningitis. I’m scared of anyone who looks sick.
I obsess over stupid s**t.
I’m afraid my clothes will somehow pick up germs in the air, and I’ll bring it home.
I’m even afraid of touch my own skin sometimes. I get urges to wash my hands in bleach, or any part that’s contaminated. Sometimes the voices tell me I should just cut my hands off so I won’t be able to touch anything. I self harm because of all this stress.
This isn’t even the extent of my obsessions.
I sometimes check things repeatedly, but not to the extent of my contamination and health anxieties.
I’m at my wits end to the point I want to end my life. The depression and anxiety exaggerate it even more.
I did IOP, partial hospitalization, exposure therapy, and I’m just getting worse. I’m on Wellbutrin too.
I’m so done with this.
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Celestialbird
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This is going to sound crazy, but passive suicidal ideation actually helped me overcome my Contamination OCD. The obsessive thoughts insisted that the world was full of life threatening dangers, so I threw myself into that world. What I found was that Contamination OCD had been lying to me. I didn't get sick, and I didn't die. Caring less about these exaggerated dangers to my health improved my overall well being. I feel happier, less anxious, and liberated from compulsive urges.
If you're experiencing suicidal thoughts, talk to somebody. This weight you're carrying is heavy. It's okay to ask for a little help.
Hi Scarlet1995. I know the feeling, too, of my mind feeling so bad that it "hurts". It sounds to me like you also deal w/ symptoms of schizophrenia? The voices? (I'm sorry if I have misunderstood what you said.) I have OCD as well as schizoaffective disorder. I do not hear voices, but I have thoughts that are "silent" voices-all in my head.
I know it's very hard to go through what you are, but please don't give up hope. I've been through a lot, too, and I'm still here. Yes, there are bad times, bad experiences, but w/ time, you will start to heal. Don't give up! You will feel better!
When it doubt, as needed benzos like long acting ones like klonopin, meditation, NAC and milk thistle supplements, and the mushroom amanita muscaria. I am also microdosing but so far that hasn’t helped the OCD.
There are germs all around us, most of them beneficial or harmless. And they keep the bad germs out.
Good hygiene is necessary. Our natural aversion to other people's body fluids (except in particular circumstances) is natural and keeps us from exposing ourselves to unwanted pathogens.
Often OCD is just normal behaviour taken to an extreme. And this is a typical example. The precautions most people take to keep themselves clean are taken to the point where you are afraid of touching just about anything.
It's normal and good to wash your hands after using the lavatory, or before preparing food etc. I like to wash my hands after I've come in from a shopping trip or using public transport. (I have to admit to a hand washing habit myself.)
But anything more than this isn't really necessary. The Japanese are the cleanest people anywhere - but they still get as many colds and coughs as anyone else. In fact, exposing yourself to a few germs helps to build up your immune system - it's good for you.
The gold standard treatment for OCD is still medication and CBT. Perhaps ask if your medication is the best one for you. I take sertraline (300 mg a day) supplemented by a 5mg dose of aripiprazole - I recently came off the aripiprazole because there have been problems with supplies. I've had to ask if the problems with supply have been resolved as I don't feel as good without it. And I try to use CBT methods constantly - just keeping them to ERP sessions isn't enough. They have to be made part of your day-to-day life.
Try gradually desensitizing yourself to living with germs. Sit in a public chair without wiping it down first. Try making a list of all the 'germ' triggers and work on them, one by one.
It helps to say to yourself - 'I'm not going to give the germs on this chair another thought now, but I'm allowed to obsess about them, say, at 4.30'. Then get on with other things - 4.30 comes and goes and you've forgotten.
don’t give up on prayer too! God answers prayers. You might get the answer quick or you might have to wait. Usually he puts us through things like this to bring us closer to him. But he is God and greater than all our failures and problems. Just like many in this post before said, it’s an acceptance of the world being a dirty place and there being germs, but God has made our amazing bodies to be able to fight off these germs with all the body systems. Even skin itself is an amazing barrier to germs.
But keep going and praying every day! God is for you and loves you. In the name of Jesus!
Psalm 139:14 – “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
i too am a contamination OCDer. If you have a look at my profile/my posts, replies and such, you should hopefully get some ideas and info on how to handle it.
lots of good advice above. One other thing I hadn’t seen mentioned—you said you are on Wellbutrin. My son’s OCD spiraled on that med. I have seen other reports that it is a BAD fit for OCD. Something you may wish to discuss with your prescribing doctor. Best wishes.
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