Supportive Detachment so adult son can gain independance

[den8ise]

Hello, my name is Denise Lyon and I live in San Francisco. I'm interested in learning "healthy ways" to co-exist with my 26 yrs old son who struggles with OCD, ADD, Anxiety and Depression. I realize we both need more independence to thrive and I want this process to be a supportive detachment. I've done too much for him, for too long without realizing I was being unfair to him.

I need support, encouragement, and strategies to be successful in this process; hopefully he'll move into his own place with a supportive environment..

[Sallyskins]

Hi Denise - it can be really difficult for family members. I think most of us with OCD know how much stress we can cause those we're closest to, and who support us the most.

I'm sure that you're right - a supportive detachment is the right approach, with a gradual insistence that your son start doing more for himself.

I've found the best help that people can give me is to be patient and tolerant when I am in the grip of OCD - neither trying to soothe or encourage, nor being impatient or critical. Just let me get on with it, which often means my repeating an action until it feels 'right'.

Having to rely on himself for most things will do your son good, but simply leaving him to sink or swim (I'm sure that you wouldn't do that anyway) is likely to make him worse.

The general therapists' line is that you should do nothing to enable or facilitate someone's OCD - not doing things for them or intervening. In practice this can be really difficult, as OCD does stop people from doing things most people find easy, and the anguish and effort we often put into the simplest tasks can be exhausting. And that can be distressing for family members and friends.

Boundaries are important. So make sure your son knows that you won't be at his beck and call to do things for him - not because you don't care, but because you do care, and it's for his own sake. Make it clear what you will do for him and what you won't - it might help to make a written plan together which will gradually increase his independence without simply dropping him in it. Resist the temptation to compromise or step in - it's going to be a bit of a struggle for him, but he can do it!

His independence will be its own reward - as it will be yours too - so give encouragement without laying it on too thick. It is possible to live independently with OCD (I do, as do many others).

There are quite a few books that can help both of you. I've found The OCD Workbook a good self help guide, so perhaps it could help him, and it also has a lengthy section for family, friends and carers. There are other books that are aimed at family and friends.

It's not an easy process, but it will be worth it for both of you - he getting his independence and you getting back some of yours! Do let us know how you get on, or post if you want more support - I'm always happy to help.

[Hidden]

Visit IOCDF.com for specific information. Also, Justin K. Hughes has many articles on his website that may help. One is "Supporting your loved one with OCD" that may be particularly helpful.