New to this- have been dealing with OCD for a few years now

[sunflowershawty]

I was recently diagnosed with OCD only a few months ago, but I have been dealing with this for years now. I did not know what it was at first, but now it all makes sense with what I was going through. I feel like the thoughts started out only about my health and mental health. I had a ridiculous fear that I was going to get some kind of chronic or terminal physical or mental illness (mainly Parkinson's, dementia, schizophrenia, cervical cancer, etc.) It was always pretty bad, but I remember one night while in college, I sat in bed for over 2 hours uncontrollable sobbing while looking up different illnesses and convincing myself that I had all of them. Since then, I have been better about staying webmd, but it appears my OCD has changed how it presents itself.

In 2019, I had my first experience with harm OCD. I had no idea what it was and it was the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I had the thoughts of killing my boyfriend, they would keep happening unless we were around other people and they would only be towards him. Everytime I would get these thoughts I would kiss him and internally freak out. I eventually checked myself into the ER for help when the thoughts got so bad that they straight up told me to go downstairs and get a knife and stab him. I started antidepressants soon after, but was still not diagnosed with OCD.

Fast forward to now, I am still struggling with harm OCD and it happens when I am cooking (I love to cook) when I am chopping up stuff and I have the thought to stab my boyfriend. I put the knife down immediately because I feel so uncomfortable with my thought and I go do something else until I calm down. It is so hard having harm ocd because I am so scared to tell my boyfriend or anyone else that I have these fears, because I feel like I am literally insane. The harmful thoughts have now been directed at my dogs. I am so scared to be alone with them. My boyfriend is about to start traveling for work during the week and I will be home alone with the dogs. I am so scared I am going to do something to hurt them that I feel sick to my stomach and so fearful of being alone.

Aside from the harm OCD, I have a terrible fear of losing control of my car while driving. I am unsure if anyone else feels like this but when I have intrusive thoughts it feels like my brain turns off for a second because I am uncomfortable or it just disconnects. When this happens when I am home I just stop what I am doing and start doing something else. When this happens when I am driving it makes me feel like I have forgotten how to drive and causes a panic attack. It used to just be on the interstate or highway, so I have altered my life to never going on the highway, but now it happens when I drive anywhere.

I have other forms of OCD, but these two are the most traumatic for my life right now.

Thank you for anyone that just read my whole tangent. I feel very comfortable sharing this with everyone after reading a few other people's post. It does feel nice and comforting to know I am not alone in these struggles.

[Fargo-Guy]

Hang in there. Get help. Talk to a counselor and take some medication to rebalance you brain. May take time to get it settled but don’t give up.

[Rodowi]

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I suffer from relationship OCD and fear that I don’t love my husband. OCD is a nasty beast. Stay strong.

[joleb]

Hi there! I too have harm OCD and have been learning that OCD latches on to the people/things we care most about. You must really love your partner and dogs. What I have found really helpful is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for OCD. It is the best type of therapy for OCD and is research evidenced based. I recommend you see a therapist specialized in ERP for OCD.

Also, do not avoid situations like being alone with your dogs or driving, because avoidance is not helpful. Your therapist will help you with it.

Thoughts are not facts, and they do not reflect the person that you are. I recently told my husband about my harmful thoughts and surprisingly he was very supportive and knew I wouldn't act on them ( even though the OCD brain tells us we will, but don't seek constant reassurance).

Stay hopeful and know you will get better!

[Hidden]

Hi sunflowershawtyA truly amazing person and you probably don't know it. your inner strength is of the scale you should be proud because I personal know what you are going through everything you have described here I have the same battle every day that voice in my head drains me. sunflowerhawty you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are just a little different like me. you are in control because you are able to understand, analyse, assess and evaluate your thoughts there just unwanted that's all. I personally can't give you advice I'm no psychologist or therapist all I have to offer is an opinion based on experience through my very long term of OCD from my first memories in childhood to me tapping this key board. There are some great people on this forum who are supportive and have strategies that work. Stay in touch keep your mind educated and find a focus or purpose to concentrate on even if it's not achievable at this particular moment in time. Use your resource's to aid your strengths keep loved ones in the loop don't shut them out they really do want to help. finally don't be to hard on yourself even the people who don't OCD have obtrusive thoughts they just don't let them control them.

Stay Strong

Stay Well

Stay Safe

Tony

[Eli_E]

Sending love. I have various ocd themes, harm included and I know how hard it is to handle. You are not alone and as others have said, hang in there. It can get better. Find the resources available to you so you can begin to take the control away from your ocd. As you know, OCD feels so painfully debilitating. A year and a half ago I couldn't sleep, I didn't trust myself to be alone, and I was crying uncontrollably. Now, I am back to having a part-time job and am starting to to feel excited about life again. I am still doing the work, and have hard times, but just trust it can get better and believe in yourself even when it feels like everything you know is crumbling around you.