I have pure-O OCD but I've been doing a little better over the past few months. I still experience it every day but it's... quieter, I guess. It doesn't take over my whole life even though I'm still constantly afraid of relapsing. I'm 27 years old (biologically female) and live at home. Over the last couple of years I've been having a lot of trouble with my gender identity. My dad thinks it's my OCD and I'm scared of being a girl, but I know I'm more at risk of being a victim of violence as a Trans man than as a girl.
I hate having breasts. I even hate that word- 'breasts.' It makes me feel icky. I regularly fantasize about having a flat chest and a penis. Puberty wasn't that bad for me (which makes me think I might not be Trans) and I started to really feel it strongly when I became a young adult. I do remember feeling this way a little bit when I was a kid but I just figured I was a 'tomboy.' I'm attracted to men but I have low sex drive, maybe because I'm gray ace and maybe because I'm on a shitload of medication.
One of the reasons I have trouble with my body might be because I've gained a lot of weight, but I'd rather be a fat man than a gorgeous woman with a really good figure. I've come up with a male name and I'm dressing much more masculinely, even though I still go by female name and pronouns and wear my hair long. I sometimes like female things (nightgowns are comfortable) but I feel more like a guy in my head then I feel like a girl.
Does that make me a Trans gay man? That's way too complicated! Or is my OCD simulating gender dysphoria? Does anybody else have any experience with this- either having OCD AND being transgender or having recurrent Transgender thoughts. I'm thinking about getting a binder but I'm not sure if it's a good idea.
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introvertwriter1994
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I have pure-O OCD as well, and one of my topics is also the transgender theme. My question for you would be, does the idea of being transgender fill you with fear? From your post, it doesn't sound as if it does.
From what I understand, and I'm not an expert here, but I think it's only OCD if you can't stop thinking about it and the thoughts cause you fear, pain, and anxiety. For me, it's definitely OCD because the idea of being trans feels terrifying to me. I'm not transphobic and I don't think there's anything wrong with being trans, but I just don't want to be, personally.
And in my more rational, non-obssessive moments, the moments when I am least plagued with these thoughts, when I am feeling most well and most myself, I know that I most likely am not. It's only when I get sucked into these spirals of fear and intrusive thoughts that I start to doubt myself because the risk of not knowing seems terrifying and intolerable. Does any of that ring true for you?
I'm a trans man myself and from what you said that you feel more like a guy in your head than you feel like a girl is your answer when your trans your brain doesn't come to alignment with your body. About the puberty thing some trans people don't experience dysphoria and that doesn't make them less trans, sometimes the dysphoria starts to affect you later during your lifetime. I recommend getting a binder see how it makes you feel! finding your identity can be hard forsure!
There 's a lot of media coverage of the 'trans' debate at the moment, and this may be leading some people to assume they must be 'trans'. Although gender dysphoria is a real, though very rare, condition, many people who don't have it are jumping on the bandwagon, claiming or assuming that they are 'trans'. Many are men who get their kicks out of dressing in women's clothes.
I can't say if you have gender dysphoria - that's something that you and your clinicians must decide. But it's important, I think, to separate this issue out from other feelings, including OCD and possible body dysmorphia.
There has been an increase in the number of girls and young women who identify as 'trans' or 'non binary' and I think this has something to do with the demands that are placed on girls and young women - sexual harassment, including in schools, the demands that they make themselves sexually available to any man who wants sex. and the gender stereotypes that they are given as role models.
It's important not to conflate 'sex' and 'gender'. Sex is down to biology - male or female - and in almost all cases, it is clear, including most cases of DSDs (often called 'intersex). Gender, on the other hand, is a construct of society. It's normal to go against gender stereotypes - most of us do it in one way or another!
Many girls and women aren't 'girly' - I know and have known a number of women who go by traditionally male first names, or who regularly wear men's clothes. They're still female. Some are lesbian, some aren't.
Many children have phases of claiming to be the opposite sex - it's normal to try out different identities. In many ways it's an escape from the gendered roles that society tries to force us to copy. As a girl, I preferred the toys traditionally given to boys - I loved my toy cars and Scalextric set and wanted a chemistry set. Fortunately my parents didn't think it was odd.
Don't feel that you have to go along with these gendered roles - dress how you feel most comfortable, wear your hair the way you like, go by what name you please. These are your choices, and you don't have to label them if you don't want to.
By the way, people who identify as 'trans' are relatively safe - much safer than women generally! The statistics bear this out.
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