Just joined this community, I'm happy to find a place like this.

[Darcy_Irons]

I found this community when I called the suicide hotline last night. I've been having a very difficult year. Covid has been hard, but it seems like only part of the problem. I started to not be able to do my job before covid had started due to high levels of stress. The only recent change was that I had moved from CA to CO and was able to get a place of my own.

I suppose being able to move away from a stressful situation allowed my emotions to start coming out, and it was too much to handle. I started seeing a therapist and started improving in my new place. Unfortunately I started preforming worse as my job was getting more and more stressful. My apartment would be a wreck, and trying to clean it would lead to huge spikes of anxiety. Covid lockdown was in full effect at this time, and I stayed inside doing nothing in my free time. I would try and go outside for a walk, only to become so depressed in the middle of my walk that my legs would buckle and I would start crying uncontrollably. It was terrifying that I had so little control and understanding of my own body. I lost my job about a year ago and my financial situation had worsened to a terrifying point. I haven't been able to see a Healthcare professional in at least 6 months and I don't seem to be able to send out resumes without triggering panic attacks. Even unemployment took me months to fill out.

I do have a better understand of my triggers at this point but it feels too late. I've lost all hope and see no light. I just want to give up. I don't see a road back to being functional. Trying to get support from my family is counterproductive to my mental health, and I don't have much faith in myself. I'm grateful that I can vent about this, but I do wish that I could move forward in my life. Thank you for reading this, I appreciate it greatly.

[LuvSun]

Welcome Darcy! I’m glad you posted. There are a lot of wonderful people on here that offer wonderful advice and support. Have you searched out any possible counselors in your area? Also there is so much info in self help books. Hang in there. 😊

[Darcy_Irons in reply to LuvSun]

I have had some resistance to finding counselors in my area because I am trying to move away from where I am currently living. I know it's not the best idea, and I should probably just find some help. Thank you very much.

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate]

Welcome!I'm so glad you found this community and have reached out for help.

How can we best support you right now?

It sounds like there has been a lot of change and stress in your life recently. The pandemic certainly doesn't seem like it's helping that either.

[Darcy_Irons in reply to alexandraisobsessed]

Thank you so much for offering support. Thankfully I have been feeling much better in the last 2 weeks. I was able to get a job which had been able to occupy my mind for 40 hours a week. If there are any books or website you'd recommend that talk about ERP or living with OCD, I would enthusiastically read them.

Thank you for reaching out, I greatly appreciate it.

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate in reply to Darcy_Irons]

Darcy, I'm so glad I could help. I'm going to put a list together for you this evening once my little one is in bed

[Brighter_Days]

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future…Jeremiah 29:11

[Hidden]

I'm glad you found this place too! You certainly are not alone even though you feel like it. We are all here for you. How does your ocd effect your life? Is it something you know how to do ERP for?

[Darcy_Irons in reply to Hidden]

I am still figuring out and accepting the full extent of my compulsions an triggers. My obsessions revolve around avoid something I came up with when I was 10: "stress poisoning". Basically pain and stress lead to worse decisions, worse decisions lead to a worse life with more stress, and the fear is that if it hits a certain level of stress I will ultimately end my life. My OCD tells me, every time I do something imperfectly I am bringing myself closer to a quality of life where I will either die of suicide or disease due to poor living conditions. When I feel hopeless I vividly see myself cutting out parts of body where I hold my stress (shoulder, neck, solar plexus).

All this effects my life by "needing" to have a clean prefect apartment, diet, workout routine, ect. But the fear of getting sick from old food on plates, missing key nutrients, injuring myself, puts me in a state of being frozen and stressed. Not being perfect means that suicide date is getting closer, but if something happens that knocks me out of being productive (being sick, injured, gaining weight), then that mean my life must be getting worse, and the date is getting even closer. Usually when I get to that point, I just go into autopilot and escape from the stress with TV, games, weed, eating. Usually I even get stressed about how games and weed aren't actually making my life better, so I end up just laying in my bed for hours trying to sleep in the middle of the day.

I know a lot of these fears come from having a auto immune disease for 3 years in high school, and it felt like it ruined my life. Going from my dream of going to UCLA, to just barely passing high school. The last psychiatrist I went to actually deduced that my auto immune was caused by a simple inability to absorb Methyl Folate effectively. He cured a life altering auto immune disease with a cheap mineral supplement, but it gave me a new fear of messing up my diet so much that I will develop another disease that will cripple me for 3 years. I know my OCD is wrong because when I went on that supplement I lost 100 pounds and was able to be the healthiest I've ever been, and despite this recent slump I have been able to find a career path that has given me a path to success that I thought was lost.

I would really like to figure out my personal ERP regiment. I just heard the term for the first time 2 days ago, and am desperately trying to figure it out.

Sorry for the information dump, it feels like this is the first time in 15 years that I finally understand what is happening in my head. It is liberating and scary to get these things out of my head.

Thank you very much for reaching out, it means the world to me.

[Hidden in reply to Darcy_Irons]

Try the ocdchallenge....It's an online program from peaceofmind foundation that Dr Liz and others put together. It will help you recognize what you are dealing with on a personal level and create a plan for you😊

[Nothing_but_books]

Hi Darcy_Irons,

Boy can I relate.

I hope you don't mind...I just want to copy / paste your post and say "yes... yes... yes". I don't know what good that does us, but I care and understand.

My turn. This is me, using a lot of your words:

Calling hotlines. -- Yup.

I can't do what I need to do, due to high levels of stress. -- Oh boy, yup.

Emotions to start coming out, and are too much to handle. Me. I am constantly triggered.

My home is a wreck, and trying to clean it leads to huge spikes of anxiety. Wow. Me.

I stay inside doing nothing in my free time. Different reason, same result.

I try and go outside, only to become so depressed I start crying. Or trembling.

My financial situation worsened to a terrifying point.

I haven't been able to see a Healthcare professional in... in my case it's years.

It feels too late.

I've lost all hope and see no light.

I just want to give up.

I don't see a road back to being functional.

I don't have much faith in myself.

I'm grateful that I can vent about this.

I wish I could move forward in my life.

I'd love to hear back. It was good for me, at least, to feel this much less alone.

[Darcy_Irons in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I know how hard it can be to reach out while going through this. I don't know why it took me 2 weeks to come back to this website. I really apricate that you're able and willing to share the difficulties you've been going through. I hope that we can be in contact more often. It is nice to have somebody who understands the constant swamp of OCD.

I hope you're doing well.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Darcy_Irons]

Thank you. I'd like that.

I'm having a terrible day today. A few days ago, I had one hour sleep all night and felt terrific, body and emotions, all day. I slept well last night and woke in awful pain. Pretty much everything is going badly.

I'd love to say the moral of the story is... But I don't know.

[StandinStill]

Hello Darcy,

I know I’m late to respond , but I’ve been reading all the wonderful feedback and support from everyone on this post.

I can relate completely. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing lately ?

I worry about everyone , and it would be great to know you are doing ok if you don’t mind me asking.

I don’t think my general concern for people is necessarily an Obsession, but I think it’s just that I feel your pain and hear exactly what you’re going through.

My heart aches for us all who go through this , and it literally feels like someone in my family is hurting and needs me / us.

I just want you to know all the wonderful people on here care about you .

If there is at least one major thing I have learned in my 40 years of struggle with OCD, is that I used to think I was weak, but it was a friend (counselor) years ago that told me and made me realize that WE are strong . OCD wants to blind us to that, but we’re the strongest people for what we deal with.

OCD is relentless, but look how we all , including you , keep fighting it and beating it one minute at a time. You are Strong. I believe in You.

I’m gonna need that same support from you too my friend (probably in a day or two )

But please know that ultimately you are Strong. We all believe in you and are here for you .

All my best

[Darcy_Irons in reply to StandinStill]

Thank you so much for checking in. I've actually been doing a bit better lately. I've been at a new job for 2 weeks, and that has alleviated a lot of stress. Still some spikes of anxiety, and my ambition seems to be a easy way for my OCD to get to me. But overall I've felt a lot of progress.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom about inner strength. It has been very hard for me to accept my diagnosis and severity of my OCD. I still have a lot of trouble differentiating the thoughts of OCD from my own. I give into the fears of my OCD without even noticing. I' want to fight, but its frustrating that I can't even notice when I need to fight half the time.

Thank you for your support, and I promise I will keep up the effort each day. I hope that for every person battling OCD makes us stronger as a a whole.

[StandinStill in reply to Darcy_Irons]

Thank you so much for letting me know you’re doing ok. I always wonder about everyone and my heart just sinks to know what we’re going through. So I am trying to check in whenever possible and my mind/brain doesn’t cause me problems .

That is really good news to hear about the progress. Every little step is all we can do.

I completely understand about the confusion with OCD VS thoughts VS reality.

That’s the OCD creating uncertainty and confusion so you will be tempted to act with the compulsions.

I’m hoping my new attempt to get back to a professional and get some meds and help will alleviate some of this.

I need it and I have hope since I found an initial path back to the Doc I hope.

Keep strong. We’re always here