Struggling A Little Bit

[MyOCD123]

Hey everyone,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything on here and overall my OCD has and is under pretty good control. I feel like because of that for a while now I’m on a edge a little bit just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find myself worrying sometimes that I’ll have a complete mental breakdown and have to be locked up and lose control of my life. I know this is an intrusive thought (although it doesn’t feel like it) but OCD always seems to have a new and different way to scare me - I’m sure you all can relate. Lately my jobs been pretty stressful and now that I haven’t been in therapy for a couple of years sometimes I feel like I have no one to confide in, although maybe that means I need to start posting in here again! I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious and would love some prayers and positive vibes.

I also don’t know if anyone my age (26) or in general struggles with this but I’ve also had a hard time comparing myself to my friends lately. Seeming them find their person and have a successful career makes me happy but also makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me because I don’t have those things figured out yet. The 20’s are a tumultuous time. I want to get married and one day have a family and I try to tell myself I’m deserving of that but then that voice in my head says that if even a small amount of my intrusive thoughts or false memories are true than I deserve to be alone. I also worry I would be a horrible mother and have intrusive thoughts about my children. I’m definitely struggling with some self worth issues as well right now. Phew - it feels good to write this all out!

Thank you for reading and hope everyone is doing well!

[OCDAdvocateKatie IOCDF Advocate]

Thank you so so so much for sharing all that you are experience. I just want to let you know...you are literally one of the strongest people I know, and you are one of the reasons I am in a place of wellness to advocate (thank you for being there when I needed you!!!).

I know it can be really tough when OCD has been quiet and then starts to get loud again. For me, it stirs up all sorts of fears like..."what if I get sick again? what if I never really had OCD or never really got better?" Remember...this is just OCD up to its old tricks. And it is latching onto whatever it can because you are doing SO WELL with your recovery.

Oh...and you would be an amazing mother. And even if you ended up with intrusive thoughts about your children, it is simply because you have OCD and it latches onto the things most important to you. It would just mean your kids are important to you, which would make you a GREAT mother (which you would also be for so many other reasons).

[MyOCD123 in reply to OCDAdvocateKatie]

Thanks Katie! Your encouragement means the world. 💖

[Lamawaswas in reply to OCDAdvocateKatie]

I definitely loved your reply . It made me write today again. If you don't mind I'll like to hear your story. I just need hope so badly

[Eli_E]

Hi! I just want to send you a hug and let you know that I can completely relate. Although I now know I've had OCD for at least a good chunk of my life, I only learned I had it after a major episode last fall. Through hard work and therapy, things have a gotten a lot better so I can fully relate to that intrusive thought or sort of monitoring sensation that wants me to be on alert for when I will go back into that really dark place. My OCD also loves to use my low self esteem as a way to wiggle in (you are behind in life, you'll never figure it out, everyone is doing better than you so there must be something wrong with you). Its definitely rough but I've been focusing on this in therapy and it is slowly getting better. thanks for sharing and just know that you can do this!

[MyOCD123 in reply to Eli_E]

Thank you so much! Sounds like our stories are very similar. Looking back on my childhood there are so many clear instances now of OCD but I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of years ago when I also had a major episode of sorts and started experiencing intrusive thoughts about harm for the first time.

You make a good point about OCD sneaking into those other thoughts. I never really noticed but I think you are right and I do begin to have obsessive compulsive behaviors toward those thoughts about not being good enough. I think the other thing I realized since posting this is usually when I get a scary violent intrusive thought I’m quick to recognize and agree with it so I can teach my brain it’s not dangerous. With this constant fear/intrusive thought of going back to that bad place I keep trying to tell myself why that wouldn’t happen or end up ruminating on it throughout the day. I think I need to go with the line my therapist taught me and just say “That would suck” and move on from it. I’m clearly giving it too much power. Thanks so much for reading my post and taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. Hope you are doing well!

[Inmymind]

I've been dealing with these issues nearly for a year. Living with OCD is quite difficult since we'll never know when it takes the control, but i try my best to enjoy my life. Nature is the best supporter for me. I feel so relieved when i'm near to trees, or cats, or watching the clouds, stars..etc. I suggest you to try these to reduce your anxiety. Don't forget that no one is better or less than you. It's all about our choices. Just focus on what you really want 🙃

[MyOCD123 in reply to Inmymind]

Thank you! I definitely need to start prioritizing the things that bring me peace and calm. It can be so hectic and just plain exhausting living with an OCD brain. Thank you for responding!

[Sallyskins]

It's too easy to compare yourself to other people. They are always in great jobs and in great relationships, they're beautiful and have got it all together in their beautiful houses and with their fabulous families and brilliant social whirl! And it can make us feel pretty lousy that we're not in their league.

But people often project an image of themselves that doesn't always reflect the reality. They post pictures of their successes, not the many little failures that afflict all of us, including them. Beneath it all, they may be thinking that you're the one who has got it all together!

I remember how inadequate I felt in comparison with the daughter of a friend of my mother's. I had known her a little when we were kids - near contemporaries - and now my mother met up with her at her lovely flat and heard about how she was doing. She appeared to have it all going for her. I felt like a failure in comparison. It later turned out she was a heroin addict with a coercive and controlling husband. Really sad.

Try congratulating yourself instead for all the little things you've managed to do with OCD. Like holding down a stressful job. And there's no good reason why you shouldn't have a husband and family. Other people, that is people without OCD, have horrible intrusive thoughts as well. The only difference is that having OCD makes these thoughts sticky and we find it hard to shake them off, whereas for most people the thoughts just come and go.

So don't think you wouldn't be a good mother or don't deserve a family life - on the contrary!