New Mom with OCD, Depression Considering Meds.

[SavedbyNature]

Hi- I am so glad all of you are here! This is the first support group I have ever joined.

I am new here and wanted to introduce myself and ask for some advice. I am a new mother in my early 30's. I have dealt with OCD for the last 15+ years and depression and suicidal thoughts for the last 10 or so. I had a baby a couple months ago and can easily say this is the most difficult time in my life- being a new mother, during Covid. On top of that, my husband and I are both unemployed and living in an expensive city away from family. Before the pandemic, we had planned to move back close to my husband's family so they could help us raise our son and my husband could look for a more stable job to support our small family. My husband is an artist, but he has a Master's degree and has done some admin and teaching work so we thought he would find something. He has been looking for over a year now and has not found anything that could support us. Since I grew up in a single parent home and know what it's like to long for more parental involvement-- and since I enjoy nesting and working at home, I planned to stay at home with our kids-- at least until they start attending school. This was an easy decision for me to make because I have been unable to build a career despite getting my Bachelor's degrees in English and Art History in 2011. I have worked over a dozen jobs and have quit all of them- some of them, I've gone back to and quit a second time!

More than ever, I am motivated to become healthier because of my son. I think many of my mental health issues are due to my painful childhood and having an unstable mentally ill parent. I have tried Yungian therapy and recently spent a year with two therapists that follow more of a Cognitive Therapy discipline. Therapy was helpful, but has not yet enabled me to fully move away from many issues that affect me on a daily basis. I have never tried medication, but as the years have passed, I have considered it more and more frequently.

Last time I saw a psychiatrist, she recommended the attached list of medications to help with my issues.

Can any of you provide some of your experience with these medications?

Also, here is a list I put together of why I think I need medication and why I am afraid to take it.

Reasons I might need medication:

1. I have trouble controlling my anger or not fixating on my anger regarding even the smallest things throughout my day

2. Every minute stressor seems to cause a physical response in me that is often jaw and neck and shoulder tightening that causes me more and more pain throughout the day so that I'm worried I am taking too much pain medication (nothing addictive, just worried about damaging my organs with too much Tylenol or Ibuprofen)

3. I have been unable to stop fixating on or self-checking my body issues

4. I struggle to feel optimistic about the future in general, my future, or my son's future

5. I think that there is a possibility that I have tried long enough to be happy and successful and have not achieved the level of happiness and success that I want and that it is possible medication is the key to unlocking an ability to be calm, focused, patient, and motivated

*****

Reasons I'm worried about taking medication

1. I'm worried about the period of figuring out what works for me and having to try different medications in different doses. Also I'm concerned about having to take further medication to mitigate side effects and generally being a medication guinea pig

2. I'm worried about medication affecting my breast milk supply, my son's growth and development and future pregnancy/future baby's growth and development

3. Often, I'm also worried that I need my increased state of worry and vigilance in order to protect myself and my family. I'm worried that if I go on medication, I'll be too relaxed or out of it and make a mistake that would get me sick with covid-19 for instance.

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I would like to welcome you to the OCD Support Network.

We are here to offer help and give hope.

We are in this together.

I am sorry that you are going through a rough time.

I hope things get better for you.

Take Care.

[DeathtoOCD]

Part of my problem was an anticipation of a feeling and realized that its was OCD, not sure if that is the same with you though.

[SavedbyNature in reply to DeathtoOCD]

Hi- I am not quite sure what you mean... I'd love to hear more if you want to explain further! Thanks for reaching out

[DeathtoOCD in reply to SavedbyNature]

Well I think I meant worrying about what the medication would actually do to me, and realizing that was also the OCD, and in terms of ERP one of the worst parts is the anticipatory anxiety.

[Acb0010]

I am a mom of three, 35, and have been on lexapro since I was 27. I went off of it during all three pregnancies and during my breastfeeding times. It’s helped me tremendously!

If you are having any guilt or fear about starting medication I strongly encourage talking to your doctor. There is so much stigma out there about having to have medicine to help you through, and it’s all from very misinformed and judgmental people. Let me give you advice, mom to mom. Stop listening to that and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you have to stop breastfeeding, it’s okay! I have three healthy thriving formula fed children to prove that. If you have to take time to work on your mental health, please do not delay. Your life is only going to become busier and more hectic with growing children and you need this! I wish I would have taken my husbands (Among others) advice and gotten help sooner than I did

Good luck To you!!!!

[SavedbyNature in reply to Acb0010]

Thank you for your support as a mother and person with OCD. It is always good to hear that kids are fine and wonderfully healthy with formula (and every mom who I know who has used primarily formula is in this boat) and it is also good to know that folks are out there successfully raising kids while dealing with OCD. You give me hope . I am not completely anti-formula. My son usually gets one formula bottle/day while I do work around the house and on various projects, but it is a personal choice to try to breastfeed as long as possible. But you are right- I should be open to weighing breastfeeding against what will benefit my family in the long term. The biggest problems for me right now as a person with OCD are the great unknowns in being a first time mother and the great unknowns in dealing with this pandemic. I really appreciate and am comforted by hearing your perspective and knowing that you have had success as a mom with mental health struggles.

[NWOntario]

One thing I'd encourage you NOT to do is ask about people's individual experiences with specific antidepressants: their effects vary wildly from person to person, and hearing someone say "Medicine A worked but Medicine B resulted in awful side effects!" might trigger your OCD. A while back there was a thread in this group extolling the virtues of A Certain Type of Antidepressant...which I also took, and which had such a negative impact on me I thought I was literally losing my mind.

Beyond that, I was on medication for a while, and then I withdrew for about eight months. When I began toying with the possibility of going back on, I reached out to a friend for advice. He told me to think of antidepressants like a banana during a race: it's there to help with all the hard work you're already doing. To me, points 4 and 5 on your pros list are pretty compelling - especially #5. If medication can get you to a point at which you're able to do the work necessary to tackle OCD, then it might well be worth considering. That said, there are trade-offs, and talking to your doctor about the pros and cons would be super helpful.

By the way, I did end up going back on meds for three years. I went off them again two years ago and have no intention of ever going back - but it's nice to know they're an option should the need ever arise.

[Acb0010]

Yes to all of the above! You seeing a trusted doctor who can guide you through the correct dosage and medication is the only way to go!

Medicine shouldn’t make you a zombie and should have minimal side effects, but everyone is different and your doctor should be skilled enough to handle all of that!!! Having your spouse (or someone you trust) there to help you along the way will be beneficial as well.

[SavedbyNature]

Thank you for your empathy and your words of support!

I do just want to add a (considerable- sorry) note on your recommendation to "take any job that fits the time for my child" because I am very sensitive to this issue personally and culturally. I believe that raising a child is a job and a very important one and I think that the current social pressure to have two working parents is wrong. If someone wants to stay home to raise their kids, they should be able to. This was something that I discussed with my husband before we had our son and we decided that I would stay home at least until he starts attending school and that he would work.

Additionally, I have looked into the cost of childcare where we live. We simply could not afford it unless we decided to live out of our car, because childcare is more expensive than the rent for our apartment.

Now, I also don't agree that my husband should take just any job that comes along, because he racked up $100k in debt obtaining a Master's degree (that again our current social and professional systems communicated that he should have), and a random minimum wage job will not enable him to tackle that debt, nor will it allow him to build any kind of professional experience that serious employers value. So he will not only be doing something he likely hates (since minimum wage workers are typically not treated like employees with benefits), but he will be working against his future opportunities for success and growth, wasting his degree, and not making enough to support our family. Furthermore, he hasn't been pigeon-holing himself into just one job type, but has expanded his job search across disciplines and is completely fine taking entry-level positions as long as that are at a company/institution that will allow growth and give him a livable wage and benefits. Of course, this is what all job-searchers should be looking for, but unfortunately there are so many jobs that do not provide a living wage to their employees and people stretch themselves thin working multiple jobs and never growing their marketable skills. I know- I've been one of them for most of the last 10 years. (I say most because I have worked a few jobs that have significantly enhanced my marketable skills (skills that I will use to go back to work in a few years or work from home while I take care of my kid/s if I can find an appropriate position.)

Also, to get very personal- since our son came about 2 years earlier than was our plan, I had a pretty decent job when I got pregnant and we were still in the midst of building a comfortable nest egg. Now I suppose I could have had an abortion, but that didn't seem appropriate since my husband and I were already married and have a good relationship and I am religious, so that was not an option (and I am so glad it wasn't because our son is beautiful thank God and brings us much joy and we love him very much). So I worked up to the middle of my 3rd trimester and decided that my mental health issues and stress of my job and the pregnancy were all too much. I gave a month's notice and then it just so happened that, Coronavirus got bad and my husband lost his job as a waiter the same day as my last day of work.

Coronavirus further complicates the job search, because with a virus that is barely understood, rampantly spreading where I live, and can provide lasting organ damage, we will be avoiding any work that might endanger our infant son and hinder his opportunity for a healthy life.

I hope my message does not come off as rude-- or that it is offensive as a full-blown rant :-0. I just get the impression that a lot of folks don't understand the nuances of the job market and demands on folks my age and these job market related demands are a large source of my anger and frustration with the world, so I thought I would try to explain my perspective.