Overwhelming guilt about relationship

[Ocdblue]

Hi guys,

I have just joined here as I have been really struggling recently and wondered if anyone could help me! I had been speaking/seeing a guy (let’s call him ‘a’) for just over a month and it was going so well and we really liked each other. However he then left to travel around Asia for 1 year (I knew he was doing this from the start). We carried on speaking everyday with the hope that when he got back we would become an item. I really liked him but it was obviously so difficult being so far away from each other and trying to keep this ‘thing’ going, right after he left I made a new guy friend (b) and we would hang out a lot and just enjoy each other’s company strictly as friends. A few months went by and I was still speaking to ‘a’ but me and ‘b’ began getting quite close and ended up sleeping with each other. I was extremely confused about who I wanted to take things further with and this just added to the anxiety. Although me and guy ‘a’ weren’t together and never had the conversation about if we would see other people or not, ever since I have been beating myself up about it and feel an intense amount of guilt crying myself to sleep and having panic attacks. I regret what I did because of how it’s now making me feel and don’t understand why I just didn’t be honest and tell ‘a’ after it had happened. Please tell me your thoughts on this, did I cheat? My ocd around this is driving me mad and making me feel so guilty and worthless

[Hidden]

I would like to welcome you to the OCD Support Network.

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We are in this together.

[Hidden]

Dear Ocdblue-- I totally understand. There's a reason OCD is called "The Doubting Disease." It feeds on ambiguity and gray areas. I've also heard it called "The What-If Disease." This isn't because you did anything horrible, it's because of the situation. This is the exact kind of situation OCD loves the most, in my experience: where there is doubt and room for wonder and nothing really clear cut. You and guy A never had the conversation about ground rules for a distant relationship or even whether you would consider yourself a couple while he was away in Asia for a year. There are lots of gray areas and now your OCD brain is feeding on this and going nuts over it. As a new nurse, when I had nonverbal patients who couldn't talk to me, I imagined that they all hated me and were thinking horrible thoughts about me. That's OCD--taking a situation with unknowns and filling in with worst possible scenario. This is your OCD talking. What helps me is to imagine doubt/gray areas/unknowns/not being able to be sure about something as sugar and my OCD like yeast. What my therapist recommended in situations like this is to kind of lean into the unknown. Tell yourself, "I will never ever know whether this was the right or wrong thing to do." Help your brain start to get more comfortable with ambiguity. Be gentle with yourself and remind yourself that you are a human being, just like everyone else, doing the best you can. You have my total sympathy. When there are blanks in my experience, my OCD brain rushes to fill them in with things I have done wrong. For example, there is a friend on another coast I haven't heard back from since Covid-19, so I've decided that she died of Covid-19 AND that this is totally my fault. Hang in there!! You are not alone with these awful thoughts.

[Ocdblue in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou so much! I really appreciate your reply and to know I’m not alone in these feelings, I will try your method of helping my brain be comfortable with ambiguity. Again Thankyou so much, and I’m sure your friend is okay!! Take care