Thanks to the others who have motivated (haha!) me to write this out. Just so you know, I am a Christian studying to be a pastor so that makes its way into the "What do I value" portion of the script. Hopefully this is encouraging to all of you!
😊 My Motivation Script 😊
I am going to stop chasing “perfection” and “certainty” by “fixing”, checking, touching, tapping, resealing, arranging, and counting objects until they feel “just right”. I recognize that everyone experiences unwanted intrusive thoughts, including violent and existential thoughts. I also recognize that everyone experiences anxiety, including the feelings & bodily behaviors that accompany panic. Dismissing intrusive thoughts and feelings is difficult for me because I have OCD and I am a good person. By forgoing my anxiety ridden-obsessive vigilance, I am giving up the quest for certainty and perfection. I understand that when I stop engaging in compulsions, I am risking the possibility of losing my mind, harming someone or myself, experiencing a panic attack, and ending up in an asylum. I have to take these risks to get better, even though I don’t know for sure what will happen.
I am choosing to do ERP because if I continue to obey OCD, it is likely that I will become incapacitated by ritualization. I will constantly be preoccupied with my compulsions, mentally and physically. I will become extremely anxious, bedridden and agoraphobic. I will become depressed and will experience panic attacks because of it. I will lose confidence in my ability to do anything. I will be constantly distracted, distant and removed from the present. I won’t be able to finish school and earn my degree. I won’t be able to enjoy my family and spend time with them. My marriage will be ruined, and Marissa won’t have a husband to care for her. I will spiral deeper into destructive habits such as pornography, video games and other distracting behaviors. My children will grow up with an absent-bedridden father. My family will be left impoverished and alone. I will have to be waited on like an invalid. I may be institutionalized. Ultimately my obsessive fears and intrusive thoughts will continue to rule over me, especially if I choose OCD. OCD never removes the possibility of my obsession.
I am choosing to do ERP because I know from experience that OCD does not give the certainty that I long for. Engaging in compulsions does not prevent the possibility of my fears occurring. Indeed, it strengthens my fears and trains my brain to continue to obsess over illogical possibilities. OCD makes me feel alone, disconnected, overburdened and somehow more dangerous than other people. OCD forces me to do rituals “perfectly”, but then it constantly changes the rules forcing me to do more compulsions. It also mocks me for doing so! OCD is like playing chess with a condescending cheater.
“DO THIS OR THIS WILL HAPPEN!!#$@”
“DO IT AGAIN! YOU MIGHT DIDN’T DO IT RIGHT!?!”
“KEEP DOING IT. DANCE MONKEY!#@#!”
-Temporary relief-
“YOU’RE SUCH A BAD PERSON! WHO HAS THOSE THOUGHTS AND THEN DOES STUPID COMPULSIONS!@#!”
“DO THIS OR THIS WILL HAPPEN….”
OCD lies to me by offering certainty regarding my intrusive thoughts, but then it keeps rescinding the offer and forcing me to do more and more. I’ve done the “more” for nearly 20 years! I now know that OCD CANNOT offer certainty regarding my obsessions, which is why it never provides lasting peace. It’s like sending money to the “prince of Nigeria” who offers a fortune in return, but never provides.
OCD was simply a way for me to find temporary relief from my anxiety and intrusive thoughts as a child. Over time, I have negatively reinforced OCD by giving into a lifetime of compulsions. I am not a bad person or stupid for doing so! I did not know what I was experiencing and was doing everything in my power to protect and gain relief. This is because I am a compassionate, strong and intelligent person. The well has run dry, however, and I now know that OCD is circular: it feeds into itself.
It is worth changing these behaviors because I love myself and wish to continue living a meaningful life. I love my wife, girls, and son who is on the way! I want to continue to be there and provide for them physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially. I want to care for my wife and be there for her like she has been there for me. I want to serve God by proclaiming and living out the gospel, so that others may experience freedom, peace and purpose. I want to continue to live by my character and values, and not obsess over possibilities and the unknown. Only God knows the future, and He promises to love, provide, and continue to strengthen me in the days ahead. Whenever I seek to “play God” by doing OCD, it always makes things worse.
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