This is a super rough draft of a script. I need to move blocks of text around, make some better paragraphs, cut some redundancy, etc. I am posting this now because I am swearing off mindlessly pursuing OCD-related tasks for a bit. I think that I spent all of my free time yesterday doing OCD things (5 hours?) I need to stop this compulsion before it gets worse, so I am taking a break from OCD podcasts, articles, writing about OCD, etc. for the next week or two. I'm going to focus on doing some ERP still, but mostly I just want to try living my life and not avoiding. I know enough to do my ERP and that's where my focus should be, not learning the perfect way to combat OCD.
***
I will leave books and pens where they are. I will accept the uncertainty that other people may get hurt and that it may be my fault. I will care for my body by exercising and pursuing activities that cause me to get out of breath or increase my heart rate. I will accept the uncertainty that I may make people get sick. I will trust myself to be around others and that I probably won’t hurt people. I will accept that sometimes I am going to be injured and that my body may deteriorate as I age. I will have aches and pains. I will have compassion for myself as I would for others. Just as other people make mistakes and learn by doing things, so do I. I am not perfect, but I embrace and accept all parts of myself. It is OK to be who I am and to act as I act. I will start working on tasks even when I am not sure if I will be able to complete them successfully. It is OK to learn more about a topic, but I will only do a reasonable amount of research and then get started. Some topics (such as OCD) I already know enough about and I will accept that there are some things that I may not know and that I could have learned from others. At the same time I will trust my experience and look for my own ways to improve. It is OK to have things turn out differently from how I expect that they will go. Everyone makes their own choices in how to respond, and someone else’s response is not under my control. When I have a feeling that starting an activity is wrong, I am allowed to make a quick check to ensure that I am not endangering anyone, but after that check, I will go ahead anyways even when I feel uncomfortable and not knowing how things are going to turn out. I will measure my success at tasks by my effort. A good outcome is one where I continue to try to achieve my goals and accept reality as it unfolds. Just because something does not turn out how I expected it to does not mean I am a failure. I am allowed to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness to need others. If a task needs to be done, I will continue to work on that task even when there are distractions. As I encounter difficult, interesting or time-consuming parts of my day, I will remember them and mention them to others. I will talk about them with Bess and Rachel or others. Bess wants to know what is going on during my day and it is my role to tell her. I will tell her and not make her guess or infer what is going on based on my mood and actions. I should assume that she is interested in what is going on in my life and relay the things that I am spending time on and thinking about. I will ask for things that I want or need. Making my needs and desires known is not a sign of weakness or being demanding. I am the one to speak up for myself. When I realize that I am distracted from a situation by my OCD, I will gently bring my focus back to the activity that is going on right now. I accept that I have OCD. OCD is my companion that warns me of danger, but I know that it is overly protective and often wrong. I can acknowledge the perceived danger and then proceed with activities, even when I feel uncomfortable or anxious. When OCD tells me to do something other than what I am doing or want to do, I can acknowledge that request and make a choice about how I respond. If OCD tells me that I won’t have enough time to finish the task, I can still make the choice to start. I can still make progress with the task even if I don’t finish it. Even if I can’t go to the gym on Wednesday due to an activity, I can still go to the gym on Monday and Friday. It is OK to do a job or task and not have it turn out as I expect it will. I accept that learning to live with OCD is a process, and not a task to complete. Learning to live with OCD means that I make choices in how I respond. Just because I made a good or bad choice in the past does not mean that all of my future is destined to be good or bad. The future is unknown and I can only live and experience life when I am paying attention to the present moment. When I pay attention to OCD instead of what is going on I miss out on the present. OCD may find new ways to confront me with fear and anxiety. Once I know what I going on, I have the choice to respond in a way consistent with my goals and priorities and proceed even if fear and doubt intrude. OCD lies. I will not let OCD win. I want to be anxious and live with uncertainty because that is how I show OCD and the world that I can live true to myself. The goals that I want may be difficult, but I can keep trying to achieve them.
By engaging with other people and initiating conversations there will be times that I am misunderstood or I do not convey my ideas clearly. People may have questions for me, may ask me to repeat things or may not understand what I say. By engaging more with others I may encounter more uncomfortable situations. I may seem like I don’t know what I am doing. If I say what I think, others may disagree with me or contradict what I say. I may encounter situations where I don’t feel a strong or deep connection with others. I may not enjoy myself. I may encounter situations that are painful or difficult. The more tasks that I initiate, the more chances there are for things not to turn out like I expect or hope they will. I may do tasks differently from how other people do them. I may be slower than others at doing some things. I may hurt others, disappoint others or not live up to expectations. Bess and I will fight and have times that we feel disconnected. Bess may decide to leave me. Rachel may reject me. I may be fired from my job. I may be alone and friendless.
If I listen to my OCD, I will retreat further from Bess and everyone else. Others will grow more distant from me as our relationship withers from disconnection. If I listen to my OCD, I will not learn new things at my job and I will become useless at accomplishing tasks. If I listen to my OCD I will accept that I will never be able to act normally. If I listen to my OCD, I will stop doing the things that I care about and I will be unable to take care of myself. My OCD is never satisfied. No matter how much I retreat from life and interactions, OCD always finds dangers and wants me to retreat more. My death is the only way that I can be certain.
OCD tells me to withdraw, but that is not what I want. I want to have a strong connection with Bess and to feel secure in our reliance on each other. I want to help Rachel navigate college and starting to live on her own. I want to know her struggles and share my own. I want to provide help to others and let them know that it is possible to fight against OCD and other challenges. I want to experience the variety of life that is all around me. I want to help make my community more in touch with each other and to have empathy for each other’s difficulties. I want people to know that it is OK to struggle, to be imperfect and to not have things turn out how you want them to. I want people to know that they are capable of handling anxiety and challenge. I want to offer chances for people to connect with each other in activities, whether it be in games or over literature, or in deep listening or conversation with each other. I want to see and hear others’ voices and to make my own voice known.
Magical Thinking/Swearing on Life
OCD and Concentration
For Those Just Starting Out
Wife Leaving Because Of My OCD
