I understand that I can choose to think good thoughts and focus on them. Then, I am living consistently. It is the times I lose control and OCD fears and compulsive ways seem to consume me.
I wonder if there is a way to live free from returning fears and guilt and confusion.
For example: when you stand in the ocean at your ankle level and the waves come in, you feel the pressure and then the waves go out. Yet I stand and remain relatively firm and constant. This is good.
But then sometimes it feels beyond me. Like when you are out deeper in the ocean, and the waves overcome you, crashing into you and you are no longer firmly rooted. You have lost stability. Sometimes, overwhelming doubt , fear, compulsions overcome me regardless of how I wish to be consistent. Then remaining still , I will still be overcome by powerful waves. Until they pass. I wait. I hope. I find ways to make my way closer to shore where I can more firmly root myself. However, sometimes the tide returns, I get distracted by fears or even good thoughts at times and suddenly, it strikes.
From a distance, I may not be seen, in the waves, as they consume me and I am ashamed. At times, I may look like I am merely waving (not drowning) from the outside. But others can not see or know it all. Some of me remains below the surface of the water. Buried. Trying to move. To live.
Sometimes, even when others see. They too fear and may not know the true way - we can only give what we have received.
When I return to peace , I wish it could be constant consistent firm. I want to remain in peace - of the truth love
I want to know - the way
to give love and be loved
In life
in truth
As I am
And then I remember
This too shall pass
I am not the ocean.
I am
Be-loved
OCD while grieving the death of my mum 
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